Every once in a great while, it is possible that I might exhibit behavior to be expected of someone with the stunted maturity of a teenager.
It’s rare though; let’s just make that very clear right now.
(yeah right – who am I kidding?)
Anyway, I am willing to admit that this week I may have had one of those days.
I was driving to work on Wednesday morning when I happened to look up and spot somebody that I used to know staring right back at me.
The boy drives a company vehicle. For a while there, every single time I saw one of those trucks approaching – I would look. Always in a vain attempt to see if it was him, even when I knew it very rarely ever was. His office is located practically next door to my condo (yeah, I know – it bugs me too). But in the winter, I think it’s pretty rare for anyone to actually work out of that office. So I haven’t seen him driving around at all. It’s made it easier to pretend he just dropped off the face of the earth.
But Wednesday morning when I happened to spot one of those trucks, I found myself looking at the driver almost out of instinct. Until I realized it was him, and that he was looking right back at me as he drove past as well.
We both then did this really cool move where we jerked our heads forward and pretended as though we hadn’t just locked eyes.
I couldn’t help but laugh. Almost immediately, I was cracking up. Because it was so ridiculous. And so awkward. And finally, so completely inevitable given the proximity of his office and my home.
But it’s been 6 months since we’ve seen each other. And over 2 months now since I sent him that final e-mail. So it was a bit of a jolt to see his face, and even more of one to have him looking right back at me.
Still… It just didn’t matter. I’ve gotten to a good place in terms of the boy. A place where I’ve realized that if he was the good man I believed him to be when we were together, he would have reached out to me by now. If for no other reason than to provide an explanation and apology for how it all ended. But he hasn’t, and with each day, week, and month that has passed without my hearing from him – I’ve come to terms with the fact that I really gave him far more credit than he deserved in regards to the kind of guy I let myself think he was. And in realizing that, I have started to feel more and more like he manipulated me, lied to me, used me, and then threw me away pretty carelessly once he realized he was done with me. All things which (if we’re being honest) pretty much make him a giant ass face. And which make me a complete moron for believing him to be a good guy worthy of my trust in the first place – but that’s another self-deprecating thought for another day. Needless to say, I won’t be making that mistake again anytime soon. And I almost feel a little sorry for the next guy who comes into my life, because he is definitely going to have to deal with a girl who is not so quick or easy to trust.
(As if I didn’t already have that problem. I hate when people come along and play right into the issues I’ve already got!)
The point is, I’ve come to a place now (past the hurt and anger and confusion) where I just don’t give a shit anymore. I don’t care what his excuses are, and I almost feel like it’s too little too late for an apology. There is still a very real part of me that wants to give him a good smack across his far too pretty face, but the bigger part of me – just doesn’t want to deal with him at all. At the bare bones of it, he let me down. He wasn’t the guy I thought he was, and he left me feeling incredibly stupid. All because... what? He was selfish? Self-involved? Completely incapable of seeing how his actions might affect others? Just an asshole? Or all of the above?
It doesn’t matter. None of these possibilities are things I have a whole lot of patience for.
So when I saw him, I couldn’t help but laugh. Both at how little it really affected me to see his face, and at how awkward the exchange was between us both locking eyes and quickly turning away at the same time. I laughed it off and went about my day.
But the next morning, 10 minutes earlier than the day before but at almost the exact same spot in the road – I spotted him and his truck again. What were the chances that we would be driving past each other at the exact same spot two days in a row?
For some reason, I was now annoyed. Wishing I had something in my car to throw at him. A hammer maybe. Or a land mine.
Within minutes of spotting him, I was explaining this shift in attitude over the span of 24 hours to a friend of mine. It was one thing to see him once, but I really don’t want to see him all the time. It is my house. It is where I live! I shouldn’t have to deal with him while coming and going within a few blocks of that place. He lives 40 minutes away for crying out loud! It's probably time he just go ahead and get himself a new job!
Lest he risk getting pegged in the driver’s side window by an explosive flying object when he least expects it.
My friend (while laughing) suggested that I might need anger management.
I (while not laughing) suggested that she might need to shut her stupid whore mouth.
(It's probably appropriate to acknowledge that Jack has since arrived for his monthly visit.)
The boy is back from New Zealand, where apparently he had an amazing time. I’ve got to admit, there was part of me that was kind of hoping he would get eaten by a shark while there.
But he didn’t. And now he is home, working just a stone’s throw away from my house.
I really wish I had a stone to throw.
ADSPACE
