I think at this point, the same can be said for this story. I didn’t realize I had so many words built up and waiting to be told. Let’s face facts – as of now I’ve written the equivalent of 1/5 of a Twilight novel.
And I’m nowhere near done.
So if you’re still following along, be sure to check out parts one, two, three, and four before moving forward.
Most of my fears about that trip were alleviated as soon as we pulled up next to his friends on the side of the road. I hadn’t taken two steps out of his truck before his buddy Jay was by my side sweeping me up in a massive hug.
That first night, when I'd shown up to the boy's house for a BBQ with Loo by my side, Jay had been equally welcoming. Right from the start. He and his wife had stayed the night and gone to breakfast with us the next morning, so they really were the first of his friends I had gotten to know on any kind of personal level. I adored his wife Mel, immediately. She was easy going and drama free and exactly the kind of girl I typically prefer to spend my time with.
But Jay and I especially hit it off. He was genuinely warm, but also sarcastic and witty and playful in a way that reminded me of some of my best guy friends.
There isn’t a whole lot I love more than a guy who can verbally spar back and forth with me, and Jay could absolutely do just that.
Plus, I somehow instinctually knew from the very beginning that even though the boy was his friend – he still wanted the best for me too.
I knew that he was on team S.I.F.
And that felt good.
As soon as I saw the two of them, I was able to remember that if nothing else, I would have fun this weekend; even if it meant the boy sulking off by himself the entire time.
Thankfully though, his mood seemed to perk as soon as we were in their proximity as well, and we all excitedly moved supplies from the trucks to the four wheelers before taking off on our journey.
It was about a 30 minute trek out to the lake, and the boy drove while I snapped pictures and took every opportunity I could find to get him laughing.
We were going to be fine. This was going to be fine.
Once we arrived at the lake, we had to take Jay’s boat from there to the other side where his cabin awaited.
A one room, wood floored, cabin with an outhouse about 15 feet behind it.
I immediately realized that packing all my hair essentials and Arbonne products had been unnecessary.
This was basically camping in a tent, but with a roof.
Everyone had a good laugh over my clear ineptitude with roughing it, but I was excited. Just because I hadn’t been fully prepared, did not mean I wasn’t ready to embrace the adventure.
Of course, when Mel and Jay suggested we take a dip in the lake to clean off after our dusty four-wheel drive in, I thought for sure they must be kidding.
After all, the ice on the lake can’t have melted more than just a few weeks before.
They weren’t kidding though.
And I was definitely in for a bit of a jolt.
We all started drinking fast and furiously once we had settled in (if only in an attempt to warm up), and before long we were all sitting around a campfire eating and laughing and sharing stories.
Which is when Jay began to tell us the story of how he and Mel wound up together.
A story I’m sure he had told to the boy more than just a few times at that point, but one I had yet to hear.
It turned out that Jay had been on the heels of a rough divorce himself when he and Mel met. He and the boy had always been good friends, but over the previous few months he had definitely gone out of his way to be there for his buddy. I found out now that it was because he remembered being there himself. Having his heart completely ripped out by the woman he thought he was going to spend the rest of his life with.
The way the story goes, Mel was just supposed to be his rebound. And over the course of a year, they had a lot of ups and downs until finally; Mel put her foot down and said no more. She wasn't willing to take the back and forth any longer.
They parted on less than amicable terms.
And months passed. Months. They didn’t speak, didn’t interact. They both dated other people.
But for some reason, while in the midst of dating someone Jay described as a “pretty cool chick”, he just realized – she wasn’t Mel.
And even though he hadn’t been ready before, he was now.
And he wanted her.
He had to fight a little to get her back, but when she finally came around – there was no more back and forth.
They were solid.
He had proposed a few years before, almost in the exact same spot we were now all drinking.
Jay looked at me, and he looked at the boy, and he said “I know exactly where you two are. We were there too. It isn’t easy, and he’s not ready. But still… I have a good feeling about where the two of you will end up.”
The boy and I met each other’s eyes, and he was smiling. A drunken and disorderly smile to be sure, but one that still spoke to how he felt about me. One that made me feel safe in that if nothing else.
The funny thing was, I had always assumed our relationship would take a similar detour at one point. In the back of my head, I knew that I had only ever been meant to be the rebound chick. And that the move our relationship had instead taken in another (far more serious) direction would eventually come back to haunt us. In ways that would be far more painful to get through than the silent treatment had been.
I knew that eventually, we would have to fall apart before we could come back together. I had anticipated it from almost the start.
Not that I wanted it that way, because I didn't. I wanted it to be smooth and easy and perfect. It was just that, I knew it wouldn't be.
But here they were, a happily married couple, describing almost the exact same trajectory I had already begun preparing myself for.
Looking at us, and thinking we had the same potential.
It was just one more of those random pieces that seemed to be pushing us together.
It became a long night of drinking and laughing and storytelling from there. We all went past our limit that evening.
But before we found ourselves crawling into one of the two air mattresses on the floor of the loft and drifting off to sleep, the boy and I first snuck away for some alone time on the porch.
After Jay and Mel had already gone to bed themselves, but while the midnight sun was still hanging in the air.
It was drizzling on us, there at this remote cabin out in the middle of nowhere where thankfully there was no one around to catch us in our moment. There was a passion between us that we hadn’t quite found before then.
A desperation.
I’m not so good at painting pictures of intimate moments (nor do I particularly want to – I have family who read here!), but suffice it to say… it was good.
Amazing even.
My knees go weak a bit even just thinking about it now.
Once we were done, we both curled up in a sleeping bag together and cuddled up tightly for the remainder of the night.
Neither one of us ever once letting go.
And for a split second, it felt like we had found our way back again.
The next morning was rough for us all. Hungover and moving slowly, we did what we could to make breakfast before Mel and Jay began working on some chores around the cabin they had wanted to complete. Mel suggested the boy should take “his girlfriend” fishing, and I felt the air freeze around us at the mention of that word. I was the first to hop on it, joking that she should be careful with the use of that term if she had any hope at all of ever seeing me again, but the boy complied and we went off in the boat with two poles in hand.
We didn’t catch a thing, nor did we say a whole lot while out on the lake. I could tell he was contemplating, but he wasn’t pulling away. He was just… quiet. In thought. And with that I was OK.
When we returned a while later, he and I curled up in the back of the boat for a nap under the sun. We were cozy and laughing and in a completely and totally comfortable place.
Once we woke, the boys started right back in on the drinking again. I had long since lost my ability to engage in drinking like that two nights in a row, so I stuck with water and instead just watched the entertainment as it unfolded. Those two were in their elements, cracking jokes back and forth with ease. I hung back and took pictures. Glowed in the moments when he turned his attention to me.
Eventually, the rain started to come down. Harder than it had the night before. Enough to push us all inside where we attempted to engage in a few card games.
An interesting experiment, seeing as I was the only one sober enough to enforce the rules.
It was at this point when the boy became overly affectionate. Holding my hand, telling me how beautiful I was… just being incredibly sweet. As his eyes began to droop under the weight of too much to drink he pushed for us to go to bed, where we crawled right into our sleeping bag and cuddled up talking for a few minutes about who knows what before drifting quickly off to sleep.
He remained spooned up against me the entire night, holding on tightly and again never once letting go.
But in the morning, something had shifted. Even with his arms still around me, I could feel the distance between us. As Jay and Mel began to stir, he whispered in my ear that he didn’t want to stay another night – he was ready to head home.
I had been having fun, and was bummed to see us cutting the trip short, but I didn’t want to argue. Didn’t want to push if he was feeling the need for space. Jay and Mel convinced him to hang out most of the day, I think assuming he would change his mind as time wore on, but he remained withdrawn and adamant in his desire to go home.
The only solace I took was in the fact that at least he wasn’t distant with just me – his coldness seemed to be expressed towards us all. The three of us laughed and talked and tooled around the lake while he hung off by himself, never really engaging or joining in on the conversation at all.
Around 4, Jay loaded us up on the boat and took us back to the other side of the lake where the four wheelers were waiting before turning around for one more night at the cabin with his wife. He gave me another giant hug before departing, and told me not to take the boy's moods too personally. That it would just take time. That he still saw good things for us.
We didn’t talk at all the entire trek back to the road, and once there we loaded the truck up in silence. On the drive to his house, the quiet remained until suddenly, out of nowhere, he began talking about her.
I’m not sure what prompted it; how long she had been on his mind. It’s possible her e-mail had never really left his thoughts. He started to open up about what she had said; about how it had made him feel. And eventually, he told me that he was sure he would never love anyone again as much as he had loved her.
The statement hung in the air, without either one of us really acknowledging what it meant about us. About me.
We spent most of the remainder of the drive in silence.
The only thought on my mind being that I was sure that text from her had changed everything. And that this hot and cold game was only going to get worse before it got better.
If it ever got better at all.
I just wasn’t sure how much more I could take.
It was nauseating not knowing from one second to the next where I stood.
But I kept telling myself that it had only been a week. Not even. That we had been in such a solid place before that text had come through, and if I allowed him the space to work through this; we would get there again.
I just kept telling myself to give him whatever breathing room he needed, because eventually – he would find his way back to me.
Not just in fits and spurts, but wholly and completely.
When we got to his house, I knew not to wait for the invite to spend the night. Our drive home had been too reminiscent of that other drive spent in silence.
I packed up my car and asked if he needed help unloading. When he said “no”, I didn’t push. I just got in my car and drove away.
Feeling the déjà vu the entire drive back to my house.
Only this time, there was no call as I turned down my street.
There would be no call that night at all.
(to be continued...)
