Every once in a while, I have so much on my mind that I can't plot out when or how to write it all. In fact, more often than not this is the case with me. My thoughts fly and I know I want to explore certain topics and ideas, but I can't seem to squeeze it all in. There's just far too much that I want to be talking about.
Obviously, I have not been in one of those stages as of late.
But when I am in one of those writing moods, I find myself waking up in the middle of the night with posts half written in my head. I have to jot them down (whatever I've got) right then and there before it's lost. This happens throughout the day as well, in varying stages. The end result is that I have posts (sometimes only half written, or even just a barely formulated idea) scattered throughout my life. Haphazardly e-mailed to myself or stored on my laptop in the place where lost posts go.
The problem is that these posts then often sit there until they become irrelevant. Pushed aside in place of more prominent matters, and then promptly forgotten until I spy them again months later when they no longer make any sense at all.
Such is the case with the post I'm about to share. One that was written over 4 months ago amidst a flurry of other emotions and thoughts that caused it to get buried instead of posted. At least, I think that's the case. But if you happen to find it posted elsewhere on this blog, please do let me know so that I can acknowledge my own forgetfulness along with the insanity.
Because since my brain has felt more than just a little shut off lately, I figured "why not?" Even though it's now irrelevant. Even though I'm no longer in that place. And even though nothing I'm about to say is currently true.
It was true. It was how I felt. Just a few short months ago, it was where my mind was at.
And maybe it just goes to show that in this world of infertility, nothing is ever really absolute.
Even the absolute assertion that you're done being on this road.
Because there are always (and will always be) bouts of temporary insanity:
Last night, I found myself looking at sperm donors.
Considering, if only for a moment, trying it all again.
Temporary insanity.
That’s the only explanation.
I still have over $15,000 in debt from the last year.
I’m still nursing all those old wounds.
I’m still completely convinced that my body is not capable of sustaining a pregnancy.
So why (why oh why) would I even put myself through the heartache of considering walking down that path again?
It’s funny, because just a few months ago I would have told you that I was in such a good place with all of this. That I was content with putting my dreams of motherhood on the back burner until a point later on down the road when I wouldn’t have to face those questions and decisions alone.
I figured that I had tried. And I had failed. So I could move forward, at least knowing that I had tried.
And I felt like I was at peace.
But it seems like this last month or so has brought all of those old feelings up again. I’m no longer at peace. No longer content with leaving it all in God’s hands. I suddenly feel this need to control it all again. This burning desire to do whatever it takes to build the life I want so desperately.
I want to be a mother.
I want to carry a child beneath my heart.
I want the family I’ve dreamed about my entire life.
And clearly, I'm suffering from a bit of temporary insanity.
Because suddenly, I'm considering putting myself through all of that again - just to get it.
ADSPACE
