There’s something I've been thinking about doing for months.
Maybe even longer, if we’re being completely honest here.
It’s something that I suppose is a little unconventional though, in the blogging world.
Because the whole reason we’re here (at least, the whole reason I think most of us are here) is connection.
Right?
Except, the thing is… as much as I have gained from that connection, I know that’s not the whole reason I initially started blogging.
Mostly, I just needed a place to call mine. A spot I could go to and unload all the things going through my head that I struggled so much to avoid talking about in my day to day life.
Endometriosis, infertility, impending single motherhood - it all scared the crap out of me. But I couldn't talk about it. Not to anyone.
Because I have this thing. This need to always come across as calm, and rational, and strong and… normal.
Even though we all know how very not normal I am.
I was hurting though, and I needed a place to explore that.
A safe place.
Thus, a blog was born.
And when the connection came along with it – I was thrilled. Seriously. The first time I got a comment from someone I didn’t actually know, I about peed myself. I couldn’t believe that someone out there in the world was reading what I was writing. Writing was one of the few things in this life I had ever been passionate about; to have people reading what I was putting out there, and appreciating it, and commenting upon it?
That was pretty amazing.
Which is why this move I’m about to make is likely even more unconventional. But here it is.
I’m turning my comments off.
I like comments as much as the next girl. Really, I do. Sometimes one of you will write something that will put everything into perspective for me, and I’ll just want to reach out and hug you. But there is a negative side to comments too. For one, as much I love to hear what people have to say, I don’t want to feel like I’m a slave to those comments. Staying up late nights to respond and reciprocate (or feeling guilty when I can't), judging my own worth or the worth of something I’ve written based on the comments that come in once I hit post, holding back on writing something I want to write simply because I’m afraid of what the reaction may be, and worst of all – allowing myself to be taken down by the negativity of those lovely little internet trolls I think we all have come to know to some extent.
It’s all happened. And I’m finding myself holding back more and more lately when it comes to what I write, because I’m all too aware that I’m no longer writing just for me.
And that I haven’t been for a long time.
But I want to be. I want this to be my safe place again. I want to be able to write about whatever I'm thinking/feeling/going through without overanalyzing what the reaction to that might be.
It just… it starts to take some of the fun out of it. And this was supposed to be my safe place. My space to share how and when I chose. My haven for healing. As much as I love and appreciate your comments, I’ve come to realize that I need to take this space back again. Reclaim it as my own. Allow it to be what it was always meant to be – my safe place. Without a whole lot of care or concern for what others may think of it.
The bad news is, the only way I can think to do that is stake my claim to it. Entirely. To make it a space that is mine and mine alone. Not open for interpretation, or judgment, or analyzing.
At least, not here.
I want this space to be mine.
That doesn’t mean that I am giving up entirely on the interaction though. On the connection. I'd still love it if you want to continue reading here; I’m just doing what I need to do to ensure that the words and thoughts written in this space are mine and mine alone. That what you read here is a complete reflection of me and who I am, rather than a filtered portrayal of the me I worry some out there may want me to be. I'm doing what I need to do to make it my safe place again. But if you have any deep burning thoughts of your own that you need to share as well (be they good, bad, or neutral), there’s still always Facebook. Or twitter. Or e-mailing me. Or even the community – where I plan on spending a lot more of my time now that I won’t be trying so hard to respond to everyone who comments in this space.
It’s not that I don’t want to hear what you think, or that I don’t care, it’s just that… I want to know that what I’m writing here is mine. Written for me. Composed by me. And truly reflective of who I am, and what I'm thinking and feeling and going through at any given moment in time.
I want it to be my safe place again.
And as a good friend of mine recently pointed out, the trolls who are bent on negativity are going to be a lot less likely to show up on Facebook (where they lose their anonymity), or on Twitter (where far fewer people will see the hatred they spew), and they surely won’t ever e-mail (because then how would they get that sick thrill they seem to get out of publically tearing a stranger down?) Going comment free almost completely weeds out the bad vibes.
Which is kind of cool if you think about it.
Just to show I’m serious about encouraging interaction in other ways, I’m going to start a conversation right now over on the community about comment free blogs. Feel free to share your thoughts there, or again – on Facebook or Twitter. Whenever I write about something that I know is going to result in some actual debate, I promise to have a conversation over there about it. And if I don’t, but you feel like it’s something that should be discussed – feel free to do the same.
It’s just that right here, the words and thoughts and adventures are going to be mine and only mine.
Because it’s my safe place after all.
It's not all bad news though. The truth is, I have a story to tell. A very long story to tell. But one that I need to get out none the less. In what will likely be a series of posts, I’m going to tell a story that I've probably needed to tell for a while, if only so that I can wrap my head around it. Because writing is how I digest everything in my life. Which I haven’t done with this yet. Because I've wanted to keep it safe. To protect him. To protect me. To keep from exposing all and appearing weak yet again.
But next week, it's all coming out.
Right here, in my safe place.
Because it's time.
For me to tell the story.
The one that starts, and ends, with...
The boy.
Now, there is just one issue to deal with first.
One that is mildly ironic of me to bring up here and request assistance with, given all that I've just said.
Does anyone know how in the hell I actually go about uninstalling Disqus?
Because after two hours of trying - I am nowhere near closer than when I started.
Although, I do think I deleted my profile on Disqus. Which means anyone who has ever gotten a comment from me - it's now likely anonymous.
Sorry about that?
But seriously - help. Techno friends out there with loads of time on their hands this beautiful Christmas weekend...
How do I actually make this happen?
ADSPACE
