The sun is shining in Arizona and the heat feels incredible.
I’ve almost already forgotten that just a few days ago I was cursing my car for telling me the temp had dropped below zero.
Oh Alaska, I love you so, but I’d really appreciate if we could keep it in the above zero range. Please and thank you.
I woke up this morning on a couch in my dad’s bedroom. There are literally that many people staying here this year. No room in the inn so to speak.
But I kind of love it. The melding of both new stepmoms family and ours. The warmth. The friendly faces.
The love.
The devirginator and I went out last night. I picked him up at the airport at 11, and then we stopped by a local bar to grab some spinach dip and catch up.
About half way through our catching up, he stopped and said “You look really good.”
I had to smile, because… I feel really good.
In fact, a year ago I never would have guessed that I would ever feel this good again.
My heart was so broken this time last year. I was here, trying to enjoy the festivities and keep from bringing everyone down. I was plastering a smile on my face and attempting to pretend that I wasn’t on the edge. But even with all my efforts – I couldn’t keep the tears at bay. I couldn’t keep my heart from aching. I couldn’t stop my head from telling me over and over again that it was all over – I would never be a mother.
Everything hurt. And when I say that, I literally mean everything.
A year ago, I never would have guessed I would ever feel OK again.
Just OK. Certainly not happy.
But I am. I have my bad days to be sure, but – I really am happy. The smile on my face is genuine. The joy in my heart is real.
I’m happy.
I think for me, stepping back from the world of trying to conceive was the only thing I could do. It was the only option left. I was hurting so badly and up against a wall I just couldn’t climb. The only choice was to accept defeat. Something I had never done with anything in my entire life.
But it turned out to be my saving grace. The thing that helped me to live again. To rebuild, and learn to love my life just as it is.
You always hear the advice to women struggling to find a man being that they need to learn to love themselves first. In all honesty, I think the same can be said for women struggling to bring a child into this world. I needed to learn to love my child-free life again first. I have no idea what the future holds, and I would be lying if I said there wasn’t still a flicker of hope burning in the back of my head, but… I had to remember to embrace all the things I love about being single and carefree. I had to learn to love the life I was given, instead of every day mourning all that was taken away.
I never would have guessed that I would have managed to do that in only the time span of a year.
I am incredibly thankful today for all the love and support I have in my life. My family, my friends, and all of you in this space here. I don’t know much, but I know for sure that I never would have made it through without the amazing backup I’ve been given in this life.
I am unbelievably lucky.
And truly happy.
At least for today. And really – isn’t that all we can ever hope for?
I am blessed. And happy. And in love with my life.
Just as it is today.
I never would have guessed…
ADSPACE
