I am 28 years old.
And I can buy porn if I want to!
I guess the real question becomes; why would I want to buy porn though, right?
Well, the truth is – that’s kind of a complicated question.
One that possibly falls back on the fact that I’ve always been… in the know, so to speak.
Or rather, I’ve always wanted to be in the know.
Starting when I was about 10 years old and used to stay up to watch Love Line on MTV.
Do you remember that show? Dr. Drew and Adam Corolla? Dr. Drew still has the radio show (with someone other than Adam), but back in the day – they had the MTV show as well. Same concept (people calling in with all their sexual questions), but just on TV instead.
Obviously not a show a 10 year old should have been watching.
But let’s face it – my mother didn’t have a real clear grasp on what I was or was not doing with my time back then.
Nor do I think she particularly cared.
From Love Line, I learned all kinds of vital information though. At least, vital in my pre-teen brain. About blow jobs, and self-love, and always being prepared for safe sex.
Which might explain why upon entering high school, I walked myself to a local convenience store and purchased a 3 pack of condoms.
Just in case.
I hadn’t even kissed a boy yet, but I felt it was important to equip myself with condoms.
Just in case.
Maybe also because there was a part of me that always liked the shock factor. I liked that I knew more about all things sexual than most of my friends. I liked that they asked me questions. I liked presenting myself as worldly and knowledgeable and totally unafraid of information surrounding our bodies and human sexuality.
There was a point in my life when I actually really wanted to be a sex therapist when I grew up.
Just like Dr. Drew.
I had a very matter of fact outlook on all of it. Which perhaps wasn’t entirely healthy, but who knows – at least I had a clear understanding of the mechanics.
And the upmost respect for safe sex.
Just for the record though – the devirginator did not deflower me until I was 16. Almost 17 in fact. After a good 2+ years of his pushing that agenda. I was actually one of the last of my friends to take the plunge.
So for all that worldly knowledge I liked to pretend I had – the actual doing of the deed definitely still terrified me on many different levels.
This is all really unnecessary information, except to explain that talking about sex, and making sex purchases – never really something that fazed me.
My favorite boyfriend came into my life on my 18th birthday. (Literally that day.)
In my early 20’s, I made a habit of introducing my friends to sex stores (those places really are a wealth of laughs, if nothing else!)
And my college roommate and I owned a porn we proudly displayed with all of our other DVD’s.
As if that were normal.
It was a great conversation starter, and always managed to find its way to the DVD player when there were groups of people gathered at our place.
But the truth of the matter was that when we bought it, we gathered in our dorm room with a group of other girls from our floor and proceeded to watch it in total and utter horror.
None of us were virgins, but still – the images depicted on that video; let’s just say our curiosity was quickly taken over by extreme discomfort.
I honestly have never really been able to figure out the appeal of porn videos since that first viewing. The men picked to play in those things (and the women too for that matter!), the contrived situations, the complete lack of intimacy and emotion – all of it always kind of freaked me out.
No matter how open to anything I always wanted to portray myself to be.
And I was surprised to find that every girl viewing that video with us that night felt the same exact way.
Needless to say – we never did finish watching that beauty.
But whenever anyone mentioned that porn in our collection over the years to come – we acted like it was no big deal. Like we were two strong, independent women totally in charge of (and unashamed by) our own sexuality.
Which is kind of amusing now that I think about it.
I wonder what ever happened to that thing?
Again though, all superfluous information meant only to say – making these purchases and having these conversations; never something I’ve shied away from.
But in the last few years, my occasions to buy porn really haven’t been that numerous. A gag gift here, a joke there.
There have been no serious porn purchases.
And I don’t honestly foresee any serious porn purchases in my future.
So the other day, when I made the decision to purchase a dirty magazine for a friend’s husband; I couldn’t help but laugh. Giggling over the ridiculousness before I had ever even done the deed.
Now, why was I buying a dirty magazine for a friend’s husband you might ask?
Well, some of you might remember one of those dear friends of mine who got pregnant with IVF.
While her pregnancy has progressed, there have been a few walls she’s hit along the way.
And my beautiful, amazing, incredible friend has taken it all in stride – I am infinitely proud of her.
As of this week though, she is officially on some major restrictions for the remainder of her pregnancy (we’re talking still 25 weeks to go).
No excessive physical activity, and no sexy time.
At all.
With the threat of bed rest still on the horizon.
When I found out about all the new restrictions she would be undertaking, I wanted to do something nice for her.
I decided to put together a restriction basket, filled with things she could do while she felt like she couldn’t do anything else.
Books, movies, crafty items – all things to help her pass the time.
And while I was at it, I figured I would throw in some smut for her hubby.
Just because I wanted to keep her laughing through all of this as well.
And let’s face it – he’s pretty much on restriction now too.
So, I went shopping. Picking up loads of items at Target, before then heading to Barnes & Noble to pick her up a few young adult books (I figured some light and easy reading would be the best thing to keep her mind off of all that she couldn’t do).
I planned on heading from there to a local sex shop for the porn. But while at Barnes & Noble, I happened to pass the magazine rack and immediately spied the “Men’s Interest” section.
The magazines with the plastic covers were hard to ignore.
And immediately I thought I could save myself a trip. It was like 0 degrees outside, and I was tired, and this was perfect!
Except, there were 2 men standing in front of the rack already. And this was Barnes & Noble! Picking up smut at some smutty sex shop was one thing. Walking out with a plastic covered magazine in my hands here was something else entirely!
I hightailed it to the young adult section and called a friend. First we laughed about the 5 different cases of “Teen Paranormal Romance” books I immediately discovered (seriously – 5! I am all about Twilight, but wow! This is getting out of control!) Then we laughed about my extreme discomfort with buying porn from Barnes & Noble.
And the fact that in addition to the smut – I had every intention of picking up 2 young adult novels as well.
Because those things are the perfect pairing.
When we got off the phone, I again walked by the magazines. I could see what I wanted, but I couldn’t convince myself to make the grab.
There were just too many people around! What would they think of me?
Not to mention – I had already caught the eye of 2 different guys in the place. I really didn’t need them thinking I was the kind of girl trying to satisfy her own desires for porn.
Classy-class.
So, I went and picked out the books first. Glancing nervously over at the magazines every chance I got.
Until finally, I made a sprint for the rack. Placed my hands on the plastic baggie cover of a playboy and ran as quickly away.
Except at the last second I looked down and realized I had grabbed the lingerie issue.
The lingerie issue! I had just gone to all that trouble, and these girls weren’t even naked!
I turned around. Knowing only that if I was going to buy porn at Barnes & Noble – it was going to be nipple baring porn.
This wasn’t for me after all – it was for a dear friend’s husband who would be needing plenty of spank material over the next year!
I took a deep breath, and I went in again.
And this time, I snagged myself a penthouse.
Now, I only had to make it through checkout.
Which was uncomfortable and disarming and could not have happened fast enough.
I was sure the checkout lady was judging me.
When I got to my car though, I breathed a sigh of relief.
And then I called that friend I had been on the phone with inside. When I told her I got the goods, she told me she was proud of me.
“Damn right!” I said. “I’m 28 years old, and I can buy porn if I want to!”
If only I had been so self assured while actually inside the store.
Needless to say, I put the basket together that night and then gave it to that friend of mine yesterday after we finished watching Breaking Dawn (which by the way, was incredible! My favorite movie of the series so far to be sure! I want to see it again this week!)
Which really is all it came down to anyway.
I am 28 years old, and I can buy porn if I want to!
I just hope I don’t want to again anytime soon.
