You read that right.
Not Two for Two.
Nope.
Three for Two.
I didn't even know it was possible, but for all my wishing and hoping and praying - I got a bonus.
Wonder what I’m talking about yet?
Pregnancies of course!
Friend B took a pregnancy test on Monday and sent me a video with her 2 beautiful lines.
And I immediately let out a huge sigh of relief.
There was a point during her cycle that really knocked me down. It was the one real breakdown she had, just after being told that the 9 eggs which were retrieved the day before had been reduced to only 3 embryos.
And when I called her after the text update and heard her tears, I about lost it myself.
Because I remembered being there. Remembered feeling that loss. Remembered the fear that accompanied such a drastic drop in numbers.
And I also remembered how going through all of this and coming out empty handed hurt more than anything else I’ve ever experienced in my entire life.
I knew then more than ever that I never, and I mean never, wanted to see anyone I cared about go through that.
Even if the alternative meant feeling that pang of jealousy if they succeeded where I had failed.
I was far more prepared for that than for watching a close friend of mine feel the same heartache I did last year.
Twice.
So when I got that video, I was genuinely filled with pure and unadulterated happiness.
She had her beta this morning, and everything is looking good. Her numbers were even high enough that we might just be looking at a two-fer.
Although, only time will tell on that for sure.
So there you have it. Both friends that I had pursuing IVF in the last month have succeeded.
Leaving me once again as the odd man out.
Wondering why it worked for them, but not for me.
I’m OK with that though. Really. Especially because it’s so much better than the alternative.
I never wanted to see either one of them fail.
That makes us two for two though.
Are you wondering where the three came from?
Mrs. King called me a few weeks ago.
She and her hubby are pregnant.
This will be baby number 3 for them.
I would have said something earlier, but since I’ve talked about her here in the past and we have shared friends who read in this space – I didn’t want to be the one giving her away before she had told everyone herself.
Last week she made it Facebook official with an ultrasound pic though, so I’m pretty sure it’s safe.
And that makes us three for two.
Three of my close friends in Alaska – pregnant.
All within a few weeks of each other.
And have I mentioned lately that Loo is leaving? My one single and childless friend up here. Moving to Texas in just 2 weeks.
To get married and live her happily ever after.
Besides her, these 3 now-pregnant ladies are definitely the ones I spend the majority of my time with and talking to.
And they are all knocked up.
Can you see where this is going?
So far, I have avoided a complete breakdown. I actually had dinner with friends A and B on Saturday night, and it was fine. I got myself a flight of wine and joked that they could be pregnant, but I was drinking for 3.
Just for the record – I most certainly did not drink for 3.
It was fine though. We talked, laughed, and had fun. Plus – I totally had built in DD’s.
I’m happy for them. I really am. I wanted this for them.
But… man my heart aches right now.
Because I’m jealous.
And feel left out.
And like the only failure.
Like somehow I did something wrong – and that’s why it didn’t work for me even though it did for them.
Because I didn't deserve it enough. Or I wasn't careful enough. Or I just plain didn't try hard enough.
Even though I know I did...
And with Mrs. King added to the mix, I have to admit – all I want is to be pregnant right now with them.
All I can think about is how great it would be to have our babies together.
To raise them together.
To send them to school together.
To watch them grow up together.
I’m jealous.
And I feel left out.
And I want to be a part of the club.
And I am terrified it is only going to get worse as all of their bellies grow.
But I swear – I’m doing a pretty good job of swallowing most of that down.
Pushing it away and replacing it with my very real elation for these friends of mine.
Trying not to dwell on the fact that for the next year I am going to be inundated with all things pregnancy and baby related. And it will be up to me to let the happiness and joy outweigh the jealousy. Because my friends deserve that from me. And because those babies deserve that from everyone.
I have to let the happiness win out.
All the while knowing that I will never really be able to relate.
I am going to be a very busy auntie.
And I’m happy about that. I swear.
It’s just… I’m also a little heartbroken.
Because it’s not me.
And because I so desperately want it to be.
Three for Two.
It’s a blessing.
The only outcome I really would have wanted.
Three friends. All pregnant.
Together. At the same time.
Without me.
But I’m happy.
I swear.
ADSPACE
