I had a blast from the past last week.
One that I wasn’t expecting.
One that kind of caught me off guard.
And one that left me thinking about someone I honestly hadn’t thought about in quite some time.
I was going through an application for a new hire at work. Part of what I do is vet new employees before they come on board. This includes conducting background checks and reference calls.
It’s funny though, because in all the time I’ve been doing this – I’ve never come across a name I know. You would think it would happen fairly frequently simply because of Anchorage being so small, but it’s never actually occurred.
Until last week – when I looked down at an application and realized that the name and number staring back at me under "references" belonged to the ex.
The truth is, I could have skipped over calling him. Or even asked one of my co-workers to do it for me. There were 2 other names and numbers listed. I didn’t need to call him.
But seeing his name, it made me smile. I was flooded with nothing but good memories. It was like enough time had finally passed, that there was no longer any sadness associated with him at all. I kind of liked the idea of hearing his voice. Of hearing that he was happy. That things were going well. And of laughing over how small a world this little town we live in is.
I suppose I thought that enough time had passed where we could have a professional conversation without it being weird.
The last time we connected was earlier this year, shortly after I found out he was in a relationship. We spoke a few times, and met up once. There was no bad blood between us. No anger or hurtful words thrown. In reality, I think things parted between us as amicably as one could possibly have hoped. We talked about a lot of things that we probably should have discussed before. Cleared the air in many ways. Even discussed my maintaining relationships with his family, and he let me know that would be fine. That they loved me and he would never ask me to pull back from them knowing how much they meant to me. He was happy. And I was trying my best to be happy for him.
It’s true that at the time, I was absolutely not over what we had.
That in reality, I wasn’t fully convinced we were really over.
And that it killed me to think of him with someone else.
I’m not sure I believed then that I would ever really get over him. I had never felt for anyone what I felt for him. Never really seen a future with someone, and then had to force myself to walk away from that. I wasn’t sure it was possible.
But it happened. I moved on. Let go. Allowed myself to see that relationship for exactly what it was; my first real love. But clearly not the man I was meant to spend my forever with.
It’s funny because whenever something makes me think of him now, it’s never with the same heartache that I once felt. I’m over him, and what we had. But that doesn’t mean I don’t care about him. Or that I don’t now look back on what we had, and the way he treated me, with fondness.
Because the truth is that what we had, before I messed it all up, was really something great. No one had ever treated me the way he had. No one had ever been so tender, and protective, and loyal, and good to me. I never questioned how he felt about me. Never wondered if he would betray me. Or let me down. I knew how he felt, and while I didn’t feel safe in much else at that point in my life – I did feel safe in that. In him.
I truly believe he taught me what I should be looking for. And how to hold on to it when I find it.
He served a huge purpose in my life, and now – I can’t help but look back on that time (all of it – the good, bad, and ugly) and smile.
All while recognizing that we’re both better off exactly where we are now.
I moved on. I wasn’t sure it was possible, but I did it.
I let go of my first love, and now I have nothing but good thoughts of him left. I want for him to be happy, and fulfilled, and in love. I think that’s exactly what he deserves.
Needless to say, he never did call me back. When I made the call, I left him a message saying that I had other references I could check, so if he didn’t feel comfortable returning my call – I understood.
And I did.
He’s happy now. Moved on. Content. And it didn’t surprise me that he decided not to revisit that blast from the past – no matter how professional the reasons for contact may have been. If anything, it made me smile more. Because the guy I remembered loving was kind of amazingly loyal like that. And I much prefer to think of him in that light now, than in any other.
Things did not end between us on bad terms. There was no bad blood, and I would hope that if and when we do actually run into each other around this small town of ours – a few friendly words could be exchanged.
But we’ve both moved on. Which is really kind of incredible when you think about it.
When I first bought the Adele album way back when, this song immediately made me think of him. It was when I was first really trying to move on, knowing that he already had. I remember thinking the song had been written for me, because the words spoke so true to what I was feeling at the time.
It must just recently have become the new single, because in the past week I’ve noticed it all over the radio. Almost haunting me. I had to laugh one day when it was the song I woke up to in the morning, and then it proceeded to greet me the next 3 times I got in my car that day as well.
Alaska has a knack for over-playing songs on the radio, that’s for sure.
I remember feeling such sadness the first time I heard it though. Relating to every word. Wanting to be happy for him. For them. Wanting to walk away with grace, but also thinking to myself that he was exactly what I wanted. And that I didn’t know how to let go.
For everything the ex and I went through (all the ups and downs and an inability to find our way back to something that really had been so good), I knew I wanted to find someone like him. Someone who treated me as well as he had.
It’s weird though… realizing that you really have moved on from someone you once loved so much.
Can’t say it’s anything I ever actually experienced until now.
But I like it. It’s a good feeling. Almost liberating. Empowering. Healing.
The ex was kind of a big deal in my life. And I really am finally happy for him. For whatever happiness he can find.
Knowing full well – I’ve got plenty of happiness of my own now too.
And plenty more still to come.
ADSPACE
