This isn’t a teaser post.
No alluding to a story that I’m not going tell.
This is absolutely a post about the boy. About where we’re at. About what we are.
Or rather, what we aren’t.
I’m leaving most of the juicy details out though. Wrapping up the last 4 months would take a novel. And to be honest, I’m still feeling more than a little protective of him. Of his story. And of what it is we've had between us.
Suffice it to say though, things have changed. And I figured I should be honest about that here. Figured a status update may be in order.
And the current status is: single.
Not even “it’s complicated”.
Single
To say that the last 4 months have been a bit of a roller coaster would be an understatement. The boy went through a lot with his ex, and the damage there has been very clear and present as we’ve moved forward with each other. While there has been no questioning the extremely close friendship we’ve formed, the rest has remained on shakier ground. As he has struggled with his feelings for her, his feelings for me, and some residual fears over ever trusting anyone again. Especially now; so soon after a relationship he thought would never end came abruptly to a halt.
Most of the last 4 months has been dedicated to him. To what he needs and where he stands. This hasn’t bothered me. I’ve understood it, and been supportive of him and where his head is at every step of the way. I’ve sacrificed a lot of my own needs in order to be there for him in whatever way I could. In whatever way he would let me. And when we started out, this was OK. I was in a good place. A strong place. I was feeling healthier and more energetic than I had in years. I was happy. I was rebuilding. I had it in me to be the one who was giving more.
Don't get me wrong; we have had some wonderful times. Lots of laughing, and talking, and growing closer than I have probably ever been with any man in the past. There was definitely a lot in this relationship that made me want to stick around, even as we've had to navigate together through the land mines left behind in the wake of his divorce.
But lately, I have more and more of my own needs to consider. More of a desire to have someone supporting me. And while I would like to believe the boy could be that guy, he’s still got a lot of his own wounds to be licking.
If I’m being honest – he’s made me sad more often lately than he has happy.
And this weekend, we had a lot of breakup talks. A lot of conversations about where I’m at, where he’s at, and what we each need from each other right now.
All culminating into a conversation last night that left me curled up in a ball on my bed sobbing. Ignoring his incessant phone calls after the fact, and eventually just turning off the phone entirely. Because I couldn’t take any more. I couldn’t hear another word of explanation come out of his mouth. I couldn't stomach another apology being spewed from either one of our lips.
And I couldn't stand to have him hear me cry.
I know he cares about me. I don’t doubt that for a second. Over the last 4 months, we have at the very least built an absolutely incredible friendship. More than once he’s told me that I’m the best thing that’s happened to him in this divorce. And I know that the last thing he ever wanted to do was hurt me.
But I got hurt. I want what he can’t give. And we’ve reached a point where we both need two very different things.
I love him. I went and let myself fall in love with him.
And I got hurt.
And it sucks.
But I'll be OK.
Where we go from here, I'm not really sure. I know there's going to need to be some space. Some time. Some healing on both of our ends; healing that's going to need to take place without the other's presence in our lives. I don't know what the next chapter holds, and I'm not about to pretend that my magic 8 ball has given me any insight into this one. I just know that we both need to step away. For now. For a while. And possibly forever.
Because as much as I wish I could do it - continuing a friendship at this point is not something I'm capable of powering through.
But hey - if the devirginator and I can be as close of friends as we are now, I suppose that anything is possible in the future.
The only reason I’m putting it into words here is because I need to make it real. And I guess it’s not ever real until it’s written here.
I need to accept that we’re done.
That he can’t be the man I need him to be right now.
That he may not even want to be.
And I need to move on.
But I refuse to regret this relationship. What it was. What it wasn’t. And what it may or may not ever become.
I’m sad. And hurt. And even a little confused at how things went down. But I have no regrets.
And I know I’ll be fine.
The boy and I are through.
My status update is “single”.
And this vacation of mine cannot come soon enough.
ADSPACE
