Could it be that I’ve made it all up?
Could it be that I’ve lost my grip on reality?
Could it be that I’m crazy?
OK, so that last one is a trick question. It’s pretty common knowledge that I’m certifiable.
Just ask the boy about the 4 page e-mail I penned to him in the early morning hours today.
There’s no question that I’m nuts.
But what about the rest of it?
Could it be that I’m a hypochondriac?
That this disease, and the knowledge of where it’s taken me in the past (the fear of what it could take from me in the future), has left me… more certifiable than usual?
I met with Dr. Naturopath this morning, and then had a phone consult with Dr. Cook this afternoon.
I have nothing but respect for each of these doctors.
So when they are both telling me that I need to take a deep breath and calm myself, I have to wonder – have I been making this whole thing bigger than it is?
Dr. Naturopath, who I thought would embrace the autoimmune theory whole heartedly, was very quick to dismiss it this morning. To tell me that I don’t have any of the typical markers she would normally look for. That while she’s willing to admit that there is something about my case that doesn’t present the way one would expect, she doesn’t think that’s the factor we’re missing. She doesn’t believe I have an underlying autoimmune disease.
Which admittedly did leave me feeling a little silly for having worked myself up so much over the possibility throughout the last week. All because one person put her hands on me and told me that’s what she thought it could be.
I would be lying if I said that I don’t still find myself grasping at straws. Searching for answers. For a reason to this madness. I would be lying if I claimed that it doesn’t all still consume my mind more than I care to admit.
So hearing about something new, something that I hadn’t explored before – I think there was part of me that wanted to believe there could be something to it. But after talking to Dr. Naturopath and hearing her go through all the symptoms she would normally look at in relation to an autoimmune disease, I realized – I’m nuts.
We talked for over an hour. Changed up my supplements, agreed to another liver cleanse, and set an appointment for a month from now. She wants to do another hormone panel to see how things have changed now that I’m symptomatic. Which means that I’ll be needing to do another 24 hour urine test the day after ovulation – that just so happens to be Friday. For those of you who may not remember – my vacation starts Friday. I’ll be in Arizona that day.
Peeing in a bucket, and storing it in my grandmother’s refrigerator.
Still, we have a plan of action. And while she said she doesn’t think that an underlying autoimmune condition is the problem, I know she’s going to do whatever she can to help me figure out what ever it actually is.
It’s just that, whatever it actually is may still be pretty up in the air.
I spoke to Dr. Cook this afternoon. And he’s not denying my pain, or the last visit from Jack which left me curled up in a ball on my bed.
He’s just not so convinced it’s endometriosis.
My CA-125 level was at a 15 just two weeks ago. That’s lower than it’s ever been.
Those cysts are still small. Even though they have grown, and multiplied – they’re still small. Small enough that under normal circumstances, most doctors wouldn’t even look twice at them.
And there could be other explanations for my pain. Scar tissue (3 surgeries in, it’s definitely a possibility), adhesions, the cysts (which could just be cysts).
There are other possibilities.
He still said that no matter what, if I’m in pain we need to address it. If that means opening me up again in order to get a real idea of what’s going on in there – we’ll do it. He made that very clear. If I’m hurting, and we can’t find another solution – surgery number 4 will be scheduled.
He was just quick to remind me that surgery is not something I want to do again unless I’m sure. Unless the pain hits a point where I don’t feel like there is any other choice.
Because lest I forget so soon – that last surgery left me feeling like I had been hit by a truck. And that was just physically. Emotionally, I couldn’t stop crying for a month.
I’m not too keen on jumping up and volunteering for that again.
And if Dr. Cook – my expert doctor who I have so much faith in – isn’t completely convinced that this could be endo; maybe it isn’t.
Maybe I’ve allowed myself to become so consumed by fear, that I’m creating problems before they’re actually here.
I’m not saying that I haven’t been in pain. Jack has been getting progressively worse for sure. And I absolutely burst a cyst just a few weeks ago. When I ovulate, my side feels like it’s on fire, and when I start to bleed, I bloat up like a balloon. I’m not saying none of that is true or real, because I know it all is. I’m just saying – maybe my past experience with endometriosis has made me hyper sensitive to the possibility of its return.
I have had 3 surgeries in the last 2 years. I’ve done 2 rounds of IVF, 2 rounds of egg donation, and have had countless synthetic hormones coursing through my veins during that time. My body has been put through the wringer.
It’s got to be at least possible that there is some other explanation for what I’ve been experiencing now.
Right?
Could it be that I’ve made it all up?
Could it be that I’ve lost my own grip on reality?
Could it be that I’m crazy?
Doctor Cook and I made an appointment for a month from now. We discussed the game plan Dr. Naturopath and I came up with, and he was fully supportive of it. After the hormone panel, we’re going to look at putting me on a progesterone only birth control. The only reason we haven’t done it yet is because of the uptick in pain I get around ovulation – if the surge of progesterone I get around ovulation is somehow contributing to my pain, it’s not a good idea. We’re hoping to know more once we see where my hormone levels are actually at after ovulation though.
And in a month, we’ll reconvene. Talk about my symptoms and how I’m feeling. Continue to revisit the idea of another surgery if that’s what needs to happen, but remain open to the possibility that whatever this is – it’s something that we can resolve without cutting.
If we can’t, oh well. At least we can say we tried.
I’m definitely not in a rush to cut again.
But I’m glad to know it’s an option. That if things get to be too much – if the pain hits a point of being more than I can handle – Dr. Cook will listen to me. He’ll trust me. And he’ll go in again to see what’s going on. And to figure out what we need to do to fix it.
In the meantime, I’m trying to wrap my head around the possibility that this may not be a return of endo.
It may not be the worst case scenario.
If nothing else, there has to be something said for positive thinking, right?
For changing my thought patterns and taking my focus away from the outcome that scares me the most.
I’m not saying I’m crazy.
Or a hypochondriac.
But could it be?
That it’s something else.
That it’s not endo.
That there’s some other explanation.
One that isn’t quite so scary.
One that wouldn’t leave me feeling quite so helpless.
Could it be?
ADSPACE
