Back To The Real World…

My vacation is over.

Those 10 days of hopping around the Southwest and spending time with the people I love most in this world have come to an end.

I spent most of yesterday flying. And then the other half doing laundry.

Lots and lots of laundry.

I have no idea how I accumulated so many dirty clothes in just 10 short days, but it happened.

And of course, my dryer crapped out on me again mid-load.

Just a few more weeks until the Labor Day sales. I can make it.

Unfortunately, that will be just one of the big purchases I have to make over the next few weeks.

I’m also in need of new tires before winter sets in.

And Thursday, I’m scheduled for a root canal.

Which just for the record, happens to fall on the same exact day that Jack is due to arrive.

It would appear as though I have found myself back in the real world.

With doctor’s appointments, and work, and financial responsibilities.

The vacation is over.

But, it was fun while it lasted.

My dad’s wedding was absolutely beautiful. Classy and elegant and… he just seemed so incredibly happy. They both did.

It was a great visit with my family. Surrounded by the people I love, I managed to only break down once. After a long day spent playing with the newest additions to the family, that familiar pang of infertility hit me as everyone was leaving and babies were being kissed goodbye. I want so badly for my dad to be a grandfather. I think he deserves that. I think he would be amazing in that role. And I want even more badly for me to be the one running around the pool after a little one of my own. I don't just want to be the fun auntie/cousin/friend. I want to be the mommy.

And while none of those thoughts crossed my mind for the majority of the day, it was something about the goodbyes that made them sink in. I think it had been building for a few days, but it felt like it came on so suddenly. This need to sequester myself off in a room and cry over my inability to produce babies of my own. It made me angry to find myself there again; crying over the happiness of those I love. Out of jealousy, selfishness, and a broken heart. But my dad made a good point – during my last visit I couldn’t be around the cousins and their babies at all. Not even to say hello. This time, I made it through an entire day of visiting and playing before I collapsed.

Progress. Not exactly the lightning speed progress I would like to see, but still... progress.

And I’m proud to admit that it was my only breakdown the entire vacation.

Culminating after 2 days of zero sleep, lots of kiddos, and not a second to myself.

Which is always a little hard on me, since I am so used to being able to retreat into my own space whenever I need it.

So I suppose a mini-breakdown a few days in that only my dad, sister-in-law, and new step-mom were around to witness isn’t anything to be ashamed of.

Next time though, we’re shooting for no tears at all.

Thankfully, I found myself on a plane to see the devirginator the very next day. And if there is one thing I can say for that kid – it’s that he is a master at distracting me from any and all matters of the heart. Infertility is kind of the last thing on my mind when I’m in his presence!

My first day in LA we met up with my friend Kris, and as I have predicted all along – the devirginator took an instant liking to her. I’ve been trying to get these two in the same room together for what seems like forever. Of course, Kris is currently otherwise involved. But at least introductions have now been made. There isn’t a whole lot I would love more than for them to at least become friends. After all, it almost seems wrong to have two of my favorite people living so close and yet not knowing each other at all.

Disneyland was a blast. It was also incredibly exhausting. Despite the devirginator’s protests, I donned flip flops on our little adventure. By the end of the day, I was practically limping and he was holding back his I-told-you-so’s.

Sometimes, I’m not so smart.

A funny thing happened that night though. We didn’t get back home until well after 1:00 (after getting up to leave at 5:30 in the morning and spending all day out in the sun running around Disney and California Adventure). We were both exhausted. It had been all I could do to keep my eyes open on the drive back to the devirginator’s house. We both barely managed showers when we walked in the door (a necessary evil after being covered in sunblock, sweat, and whatever the heck is in the water at Splash Mountain) before crawling into bed and crashing.

It is here that I should point out that the devirginator is also recently single. Neither one of us is used to sleeping in the same bed with someone we aren’t currently paired up with. And at some point in the middle of the night, that dear old friend of mine unconsciously cuddled up to me.

And when he did, in my dream-filled state, I sighed and whispered “I missed you (insert the boy’s name here).”

Yep. That actually happened.

Now that I think about it, it’s probably far more pathetic than funny.

Regardless, my mid-sleep declaration of love (or longing?) woke us both up, which led to an awkward moment where we had to detach ourselves and roll back over to our own side of the bed. Without either of us saying another word.

Embarrassing much?

At least we got a good laugh out of it the next morning.

Which is where I point out to all you die hard romantics the cold, hard, truth – there is nothing romantic between the devirginator and I. At all. I can’t imagine spending a more platonic few days with any other guy. We realized this trip that it’s been over 10 years since there was anything between us beyond a friendship at all. 10 years. That’s a long time my friends. I think it’s safe to say at this point that the two of us will never end up as each other’s happily ever after. We will never be anything more than friends again.

And I, for one, am beyond happy with that arrangement. There’s just something incredibly nice about having a friend of the opposite sex who isn’t constantly trying to get in your pants. I adore my friendship with the devirginator. I don’t want it to ever change. I am grateful every day that we are exactly what we are. Which is nothing more than two very old, very close, friends.

Sorry to disappoint.

The day after Disney we spent exploring LA.

 I fell in love with The Farmers Market at The Grove (seriously, I could live in that farmers market) and we met back up with Kris for a late night dinner.

All in all, a perfect, fun-filled 2 days.

Thursday I caught my train to San Diego for fun in the sun with some of my best girlfriends. We hit up the beach, fished off the pier (something I never actually did when I lived there!), and ate far too much food. Honestly, this entire trip I ate far too much food. As of this morning I’m up 5 pounds, and my stomach is a little less than pleased with me.

But hey, if I can gain it in a week, I can surely lose it in a week… right?

One of my good friends was going through a breakup while I was there. A recent, painful, and unexpected breakup from the guy she has spent the last 3 years with. The guy she thought she was going to marry. The timing for me to be there felt perfect, and we spent days with just our group of friends commiserating, laughing, crying, and distracting. Saying goodbye to these girls was probably the hardest for me, for so many reasons. Not the least of which being that this is probably the last trip where we’ll all be together, since everyone seems to be fluttering off into different directions away from San Diego for good over the next few months.

Still… it was one fantastic last hurrah.

A lot of you asked about the adorable little boy I was frolicking with on the beach.

He belongs to an old neighbor and dear friend of mine. Funny story about his coming into the world: He was very much so wanted, and his mom and dad had been trying for months to make him a reality. This was before I knew I myself had any fertility issues, and I watched as they struggled without ever really knowing what to say or do. When my going away party came along, his mom had basically hit a wall and was at a point of frustration I think most of us in the infertility world are familiar with. She knew she was in the middle of her two week wait, but basically decided she wasn’t going to alter her life around another month of disappointment. So at my party, she hung with the rest of us. This huge, massive party where we went through 5 kegs, over 200 hundred Jell-O shots, and more liquor than I care to own up to. She and I were having keg stand wars, playing beer pong, and basically behaving as though we were still in college.

We had a blast.

The next morning though, she knew something was off. She just didn’t feel… right. And so, she took a pregnancy test.

And low and behold, she got her two lines.

So, that little guy was actually there for my last days living in SD.

My first trip back after moving, she was near bursting with her pregnancy. My second trip back, I got to meet him when he wasn’t yet a year old. Now, he’s 2 and a half. And I’ve got to say – I fell completely and totally in love with him. When it wasn’t just us girls, this little guy and I were best buddies. Two peas in a pod.

Leaving me yet again to ache over the fact that I don’t live closer to these people I love.

It started in AZ. This yearning to be closer to my family. This desire to find a way to make more frequent visits.

It intensified after my days spent with the devirginator. Missing the times when he was close enough for me to intrude upon regularly during any of my many boy meltdowns that only he seems capable of quelling.

And then, it exploded while with my girlfriends. While with this little boy whose life I would love to be a bigger part of.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not leaving Alaska anytime soon. In fact, I landed yesterday and was beyond happy to see my mountains. My trees. And my little home that I love so much.

It’s just… sometimes I wish the distance wasn’t so far to travel to see these people I love. My biggest complaint about Alaska would have to be how isolating it feels sometimes. How difficult (and expensive) it can be to get out.

In my perfect world, I would bring them all to me. We would live in a little bubble in Alaska and I would never have to miss anyone.

Or anywhere.

But if that perfect bubble existed, I suppose none of us would ever have to want for anything else ever again.

As it stands, I know I would never be happy living in Arizona (too hot, too many snakes, and too little outdoor beauty in my mind), and I can’t see myself ever living in California again (too big and too crowded for what I’m looking for), but maybe… Maybe there’s a happy medium somewhere.

Oregon? Washington? Somewhere that could give me the mountains, and creeks, and lakes, and quiet life that I adore about Alaska, but would put me just a little bit closer to these people I love.

I don’t know. I have a great job, a wonderful home, and people I love here as well. I can’t really imagine leaving right now.

But maybe someday.

And with Loo awaiting news on an incredible promotion that would inevitably have her on her way out of the state by the end of the year, maybe someday sooner than I realize.

I’m always up for a change. For something new. For whatever adventure waits beyond the bend.

And I’ve had a good run here in Alaska.

Who knows. Everything could change again tomorrow and I could find myself more entrenched here than I ever imagined. Incapable of even thinking about leaving anytime soon.

But right now, I’ve got to admit that I’m open to the possibilities.

I’m open to starting over.

And since I’m back in the real world now anyway…

I suppose it’s fair to do a little dreaming.