I’ve been in a bit of a funk the last week.
I couldn’t quite put my finger on why though. Sure, there was the return of the endo. And work has admittedly been more stressful than usual. And if we’re being completely honest – things with the boy hit a bump (a minor bump that was actually completely foreseeable, but still a bump). Still... it didn’t really feel like any of that was to blame for my mood. I just couldn't figure out what was.
It wasn’t until a few days ago that it finally dawned on me why it was that I was feeling a little down in the dumps though.
It’s because this time last year, I was on my way to making a baby.
And subconsciously, I think my mind/body/spirit picked up on that sad little anniversary before I did.
This time last year (today to be exact) I was flying in to Seattle with the thought in mind that in just a few weeks – I would be pregnant. I truly believed it would work. With every fiber of my being. I believed I was going to be a mother.
And it started a year ago today. When I was tired. And scared. And nursing a heartache or two that I tried desperately to push to the side so that I could focus on what was really important.
Making a baby.
It’s kind of crazy for me to think that it’s been a year already. In some ways, it seems like it was just yesterday. Like I was just trying to get pregnant. Just starting to build the life I wanted to lead.
When in reality, it’s been a year. And that goal I wanted nothing more than to accomplish is one that didn’t exactly have a happy ending.
I didn’t get what I wanted. What my heart desired.
Instead, I got crushed.
And now, a year later, I’m trying to build a life that acknowledges the impossibility of that dream, while making room for other dreams I didn't even know I had.
But in doing that, some days are easier than others.
The last few days; they just haven’t been counted among the easy.
I’ll be fine. I’ll pull out of this funk and slap a smile on my face. Because it’s what I do. It’s who I am.
But there’s this part of me that can’t help but be sad today. Because it marks a year. A year since the start of the most devastating failure I’ve ever been dealt. A year since I put everything I had into a goal I never actually reached. A year since I convinced myself I could build the life I wanted, only to be forced to face the fact that life doesn’t always work like that.
This time last year, I was just starting down that heartbreaking road. And while I am happier, stronger, and more content today than I ever thought I would be given this outcome – I’m still in a bit of a funk.
Just remembering how hopeful that girl was. How much she believed it was all going to work out.
Exactly as she wanted it to.
Exactly as she dreamed it would.
This time last year, I believed I would be a mommy right now.
It didn’t exactly turn out like that though.
And I guess the last few days, there’s a part of me that’s been mourning that fact.
And wondering how long I will have to continue mourning it.
Before I’m finally, really, truly, completely;
Over it.
ADSPACE
