It started out as just a pinch.
A pulling on my left side that struck me when I stood up too fast.
It developed into an ache.
A radiating ache down my hip that refused to go away.
And then it expanded to my low back.
Lingering. Persisting. Threatening.
But it started out as just a pinch.
I’ve been in a bit of pain for the last week or so. I’ve tried to ignore it. Struggled to pretend it wasn’t there. Attempted to will it away.
Today, I picked up the phone. Made an appointment for an ultrasound. An ultrasound to look for new endometriomas.
Because if there are new endometriomas causing this pain, it’s fair to say it’s spreading again everywhere else as well.
Fair to say that endometriosis is to blame for what started out as just a pinch.
And at this point, even though it’s not horrific or crippling or unbearable, that lingering fear in the back of my head that it’s going to get that way again is eating away at me.
I keep trying to talk myself out of this being endometriosis. The truth is, if I had felt these aches 3 years ago – I wouldn’t have thought anything of them. I probably wouldn’t even have noticed them.
But the last two years have made me hyper-aware of my body. Of the little messages sent by those aches and pains.
What I once would have thought was totally normal, I now pick out. Pick apart. Analyze and question and attempt to diagnose all on my very own.
Endometriosis has turned me into a hypochondriac.
Only, when it comes to this disease – I’ve never actually been wrong.
My gut has always been right.
I’m trying to tell myself that my gut is wrong this time though. That there is just no way it could possibly be returning only 4 months after surgery. No way could it be starting up all over again.
I’ve been feeling too good. Doing everything right. Living life to the fullest. Allowing myself to be optimistic, and happy, and excited about the future again.
There’s just no way that 4 months is all I get.
My appointment is next Thursday. Between now and then, I’m going to work on convincing myself that I’m crazy. That I’m a hypochondriac. That I’ve lost all sense of what “normal” even is anymore.
I’m going to work on convincing myself that what started out as a pinch is just that – normal. Normal aches and pains that everyone feels from time to time.
Not specific to me. Not specific to endo. Just… normal.
But if it’s not, it may be time to formulate a plan B.
Or C. Or D.
I think I’ve lost track at this point.
I just know I want it to be nothing.
I want it to be normal.
I want more time to feel normal.
ADSPACE
