It’s been 4 months.
4 months since surgery.
4 months since I’ve been in pain.
4 months since I’ve needed an ultrasound.
4 months since I’ve been able to actually visualize the endo growing inside of me.
If I were an addict who had been celebrating 4 months of sobriety, today is the day that I would have to tell you all that I’m back at day 1.
The end of the beginning.
I have new endometriomas. As much as I had been hoping I was a hypochondriac – I am not. I didn't make up what I was feeling.
The growth is still minimal. In anyone else, it probably wouldn’t be any major cause for concern.
But with me, we know how quickly this disease has always spread. The start of pain has always just been a warning of the real agony only months down the line.
I’ve spent the last 4 months starting over. Distancing myself from this disease. Allowing myself to believe it could be over. That I could have a life that was pain free. That I could beat endometriosis.
And today is the end of that beginning.
The good news is – I am back in fighting form. I am frustrated, and sad, and disappointed. But most of all – I am angry. And I intend to use that anger to my benefit. To allow it to turn me into the fighter I know I can be.
I intend to take this disease head on again. Now that I have had 4 months to rest and rebuild – I intend to fight harder than I have ever fought before.
Now. While it is still minimal. Still just in the beginning stages. Still something that wouldn’t be too much cause for concern with anyone else.
I intend to fight it now, before it gets out of hand. Before it becomes a cause for concern.
I have a phone consult with Dr. Cook on Monday. I’m eager to see what he thinks of my scans. Eager to hear what he thinks the next step should be.
I still trust in him. Still think that finding him was the best thing I could have possibly hoped for in fighting this disease. And I still believe that if anyone can help me to lead the normal, happy, healthy life I desire so strongly to lead – it’s him.
So until Monday, I’m going to try not to think about this. The boy is unfortunately out of town for work, so as much as I wish he were here to wrap me up and cuddle me – it looks like I’ll be relying on the girls to keep me distracted and smiling.
Lucky for me, I have some pretty amazing girls in my life.
It’s the end of the beginning.
But at least it’s not the beginning of the end.
And besides – I think I’ve got at least a few more beginnings left in me.
Just as soon as I find a way to kick the crap out of this disease.
For good this time.
Forever.
ADSPACE
