I have to admit, I’m doing pretty OK.
Better than I would have thought after Thursday’s news.
There were some moments there. An exorbitant shopping spree that I’m still a little ashamed of (but one that resulted in some good Alaskan gear I’ve needed for ages that I’m hoping to put to good use next week), and then a total break down that took place over the phone with my dad where I blubbered out “I don’t understand. I’m a good person. I’ve tried so hard to do everything right here. I don’t understand why this is happening.” (And my poor father having to explain to me, yet again, that it has nothing to do with me or what I’ve done – that it’s just my body. Something about my body that we have still yet to figure out. But I’m not being punished, and I can’t control it. We just have to figure it out).
But since then (since that day); I’m doing pretty OK.
Pretty spectacular even.
Call it shock. Or disbelief. Or denial.
Heck, you might want to even call it the plague I’ve been fighting off for the last 5 days which has simply left me too exhausted to care.
But really – I’m doing pretty OK.
I laid low on Friday night. I had friends trying to pull me in about 8 different directions and invites to do just about anything I could possibly desire, but I decided to keep things kind of mellow. I had that plague to deal with after all (a plague that I am positive came on just to torture me – because I almost never get sick). I denied all invites, curled up into bed early, and talked to the boy on the phone for about an hour before passing out.
Saturday morning I got up for a Rolfing appointment with McDreamy. He helped to work out some of the post-period knots I had in my low back and by the end of the session I was sitting up straight again (as opposed to the hunched over look I had taken on while Jack was in town). He was just as disappointed in the news of the return of disease as I was, and wound up charging me only half for the session – claiming that I had needed it and that I deserved to do something nice for myself.
I swear, sometimes I really marvel at the luck I’ve had in finding such amazing people who are so invested in my care. Healers who want nothing more than to help me. I am insanely blessed in that way.
In the afternoon, I actually went to a pig roast that some friends of the boys throw every year. I almost felt bad. The poor guy has been stuck out of town for two weeks, and here I was hanging out with his friends at an event I know he was bummed to be missing. When we were talking Friday night he was lamenting the fact that he wouldn’t be able to go, and detailing for me all the work he had to do the next day. To which I responded “Yep. I’ve got a pretty rough day too. I’m planning on sleeping in, and then going to Rolfing, and then hanging out with your friends for a while.”
I’m pretty sure he called me a not nice word.
The pig roast was a good time though. I’ve never seen anything quite like that. An entire pig (eyeballs and all) on a spit. I have to admit, I couldn’t eat a bite of it. I may be a reformed vegetarian – but I’m not that reformed.
It was a good time though. Good people. Good food (you know, besides the pig). And good drinks. What more could a girl ask for?
Today, it's possible that I’ve been a lazy bum. The plague has lingered and I’ve wondered when exactly it is that this tightness in my chest will release so that I can breathe again. But it’s provided a welcome excuse to lie in bed reading and catching up on the DVR. I’ve been lazy, but not depressed. Not moping. Not even obsessing over the state of my insides.
It is what it is. And I know that I’m going to figure it out. That I’m surrounded by support and love as I take on this next stage of the fight.
I’m a lucky girl. A happy girl. A blessed girl.
And if I could just kick the plague, all would be well.
Because I have some hiking to do. And biking. And getting out and enjoying Alaska.
You know, as soon as I can breathe without wheezing again.
I also have some endo ass to kick.
I’m not going to let it get me down this time. I’m not going to let it win. I’m going to speak to Dr. Cook tomorrow, and move forward with whatever plan of action he thinks is best. I’m going to fight this. I’m going to take it all head on.
The future is full of blue skies.
And I’ve got this.
ADSPACE
