It’s over.
OK, that’s not true. It’s not over, it’s just… Well, to be completely honest – I’m not sure what it is.
But it's not over.
I have made a decision though. Whatever we are, and whatever we are destined to become (be that friends, or something more) – this is not the place for me to dissect that.
It just doesn’t feel right. This guy has enough on his plate. He’s just faced a pretty heavy handed betrayal. He doesn’t need to be confiding in me, only to find out months down the line that I’ve been in turn confiding in all of you. It just isn’t right. This space has always been about me getting out my thoughts/feelings/stresses/worries/fears regarding infertility, dating, and everything else. It has always been about me doing what I need to do. Writing my story with as much detail as I can possibly manage in an attempt to make sense of it all.
But the truth is – I can’t do that here, in this situation. I can’t do it without also exposing him and his story. And I won’t do that.
I have no idea what’s going to happen here. What we’re going to become. How it’s all going to pan out.
And at the end of the day, we very well may end up just as friends and nothing more.
What I do know is that something is happening there. Something that will probably involve a lot of ups and downs and backs and forths between here and it becoming whatever it’s actually meant to become. A roller coaster that under any other circumstances I would want nothing more than to explore here.
Just as I have with every other rollercoaster (infertility, dating, or otherwise) that I've been on in the last 2 years.
But for reasons I can’t even explain, this is different. And I’m making the decision right here and now to keep it private from this point forward. To keep it mine and mine alone.
I have to tell you, there was a point this weekend where I momentarily considered taking this entire blog down. I had this panic where I realized I didn’t want to be sharing every last detail of whatever is about to come. In fact, I didn’t want to be sharing any of the details at all.
I felt protective, and guarded, and completely and totally opposed to having any of this exposed in any way.
Which is something I’m not sure I've ever felt before. I've always been an open book. Always been happy and willing to put it all on paper for the masses. To make my personal life public without even batting an eye.
Suddenly though... I don't feel that way anymore.
And so, my first thought was – the blog has got to go. I can’t allow my life to be such an open book. Not now. Not anymore.
It was one thing when I was exploring the ups and downs of fertility treatments. Or even the in’s and out’s of relationships that I pretty much knew from the beginning weren’t ever going anywhere.
But this? This is different. And it’s not just about me.
Walking away from the blog entirely just felt wrong too though. It didn’t feel like something I could do. Like something I would ever actually want to do.
So instead, I’m taking this piece of my life out of the equation. The dating piece.
And just like that… I’m changing the rules on all of you. Changing what this space is. What it needs to be. And what it may forever become.
I’m taking a piece of my life out, and declaring it private.
Maybe I’ll add it back in at some point. Maybe somewhere down the line, when things feel more secure or sure, or when I've had a chance to explain to him my obsessive need to over-share. Maybe then I’ll take the time to tell the whole story from the beginning.
But right now – it’s just not something I’m comfortable doing.
I want to keep this private.
Whatever “this” may or may not turn out to be.
I want to keep it mine.
At least for now…
And maybe forever.
ADSPACE
