A really hard time comprehending why life takes the twists and turns it sometimes takes.
Why people can fight and fight and fight, and believe they've conquered the mountain, only to get knocked right back down again.
I’m just having a hard time.
Most of you know that when I did my first round of IVF, there were 2 women I was in communication with who were going through IVF at the same time. One was a woman in Seattle with almost my exact same diagnosis. She was seeing the same doctors at the same clinic I was going to. It was her first round as well, and we transferred within a week of each other.
Both of those women got pregnant when I did not.
The woman in Seattle wound up conceiving twins, and I am ashamed to admit that throughout her pregnancy – I have had to fight off incredible waves of jealousy. Every update along the way has felt like a stab in my heart, because it was a reminder of where I would have been; had I been the one who had gotten pregnant.
She gave birth last week, and it nearly broke me. I didn’t talk about it here, because – how selfish can I be? What is wrong with a girl that cries for over an hour out of sheer jealousy? What was wrong with me for behaving that way?
I was ashamed of myself. I still am.
Possibly even more so today than I would have ever thought possible.
This morning her little boy stopped breathing during his feeding. They were able to give him CPR, but he is currently in the NICU showing very little in the way of brain waves.
And I just don’t understand. I don’t understand why anyone should ever have to go through something like this. I don’t understand why the universe allows for catastrophes of this nature. I don't understand why one person should have to face so much.
I don’t understand.
And as my heart is aching, I am also faced with the person I have been over the last few months. The person so jealous that she couldn’t bring herself to reach out and support a woman who had been a friend.
A woman who I met on my last trip to Seattle.
A woman whose pregnant belly I actually laid my hands on.
She’s a good person. A woman who longed for these babies. A woman who fought endometriosis and infertility and IVF to conceive them. And she doesn’t deserve this.
No one deserves this.
Elizabeth has a very cool job which prevents her from revealing much of anything about herself online. As such, she doesn’t have a blog. But she and her son Elliot do need your prayers. Your positive vibes. Your happy thoughts.
Whatever you’ve got, they need it.
These babies of hers were already a miracle.
But now Elliot needs one more.
So whatever you’ve got to give in the way of lifting them up and keeping them in your thoughts and hearts…
Please do it.
Because they need it right now.
They need whatever you’ve got.
