The way I needed them to.
I was convinced that if IVF failed and I hit the end of the road and had to come to terms with the fact that I may never carry a child – I would crumble.
And I did. I crumbled hard. Some days, I think I’m still crumbling.
But something else happened that I didn’t expect.
I survived.
I’m here, almost 6 months since my last cycle, still living, breathing, and moving through life.
Everyone told me that it would take time to heal these wounds. But I didn’t believe it. I didn’t believe they would ever heal.
I’m still not entirely sure they ever will completely. I worry about the ache I may feel for the rest of my life whenever someone I know announces a pregnancy. I worry that there will be a part of me that will always feel empty. A part that will always yearn for something I may never have.
But I know that I’m surviving. Making it through most days with a genuine smile on my face. Laughing real laughter, enjoying my time with the people I care about, and functioning in a way that I didn’t initially think would be possible if I failed.
Had I gotten pregnant that first round – I would have a baby in my arms right now. I would be a mommy to a newborn, instead of trying to heal from the loss of that possibility.
I would have thought that knowledge alone would have been enough to bring me to my knees lately. But it isn’t. Most days, it really isn’t.
I’m learning how to live my life again separate from infertility. Separate from endometriosis. Separate from the pain and sadness the last few years have brought.
It's a process. Because I've spent so much time consumed by all of it already.
But I'm doing it.
And I’m doing so much better than I ever would have thought possible before this journey began.
A few weeks ago my favorite teenager let me know that she wanted me to take her to see Soul Surfer. I jumped at the chance to see her, without even really knowing what to expect from the movie. I knew the basic premise behind the story (I remember hearing about it on the news when it happened), but I really had no idea what had gone into the movie at all. I was just excited to get to spend some time with this little girl who I adore.
When we actually got to watch the movie though – I was blown away.
It was not what I was expecting at all.
It was better.
So much better.
This movie was inspirational, and incredible, and so unbelievably amazing I couldn’t take my eyes off the screen.
I wanted to watch it again almost as soon as it had finished.
And I’ve been thinking about it ever since.
Thinking about how so many of the feelings this girl described mirrored my own feelings and struggles with infertility.
Which I realize sounds ridiculous. We’re talking about comparing the struggles of a 13 year old girl who had her arm bitten off by a shark, to the struggles of a grown adult woman trying to cope with infertility.
I know that a connection seems absurd.
But hear me out:
Here is this girl who has never wanted anything more in her life than to be a professional surfer. She's shaped her world around that dream. Her plans and hopes and expectations for the future. And then, just like that, the possibility of that dream gets ripped away.
How is that any different from a woman who wants nothing more than to be a mother, only to find out she may never be?
There was a scene where she was crying on the beach to her dad, and she said “I just don’t understand why I had to lose everything?”
It ripped my heart out; because I have to be honest – there have been so many times I have felt and thought the same thing.
But her dads response was exactly what I always try to remind myself of in those moments. He looked at her and he said “You haven’t lost everything. You’re alive. And you have a family that loves you. You haven’t lost everything.”
I know I haven't lost everything. I know I still have so much. But sometimes... sometimes those feelings of having nothing left creep in. Those feelings of having lost it all.
I try to remind myself that isn't the case. But some days it really is easier than others.
It was just nice to see someone else echoing that.
It was as Bethany started to find her way to the other side of her grief that I really became enthralled though. I was captivated by this girl’s journey. By her strength. By her faith in God, and her ability to survive and persevere.
Her ability to let go of her dreams, and then find them again.
There was one scene in particular that just about knocked me over. She had gone to Thailand to volunteer with relief efforts after the tsunami, and while there she began teaching kids to surf. Just playing, and working to make them feel comfortable and safe in the water again.
As this scene was playing, there was a voiceover where she said something to the effect of “It was funny, but it took teaching kids to surf to remind me that surfing wasn’t everything.”
I don’t know why, but something about that statement just seemed so profound to me.
And it reminded me – carrying a child isn’t everything. It’s what I want. It’s what my heart longs for. But it isn’t everything.
And if I can’t have it – I will be OK.
I’m trying to remember what I had determined this year would be about. Healing – both physically and mentally. Finding myself again. Finding my happy again. I’ve found a way to go through the motions. To navigate the day to day with a smile on my face. But it’s been a while (years?) since I’ve felt truly happy.
And I want to find that again. I want to remember how to be happy without the dream of a baby in my future. I want to remember to be happy with what I have. With who I am. And with where my life has brought me.
This movie inspired me to work towards that again. To focus on today (and all the blessings laid out in front of me) rather than on yesterday (and all the dreams that seem to have been washed away).
There's a site filled with incredibly inspirational quotes from Bethany Hamilton herself, but my absolute favorite is this one:
I have this thought every second of my life—Why me? Not negatively, like "Why did this terrible thing happen to me?" But more like "Why did God choose me and what does He have in mind for me?"
Incredible.
I want to be like Bethany Hamilton when I grow up.
And in the meantime, I kind of want to watch Soul Surfer again.
