All week I have tried to keep my hands off of the goodies. I’ve reminded myself that the girls and I were going out this weekend to celebrate my birthday, and that I wouldn’t want a repeat of last year.
I’ve already got my top picked out, and a flat tummy is going to be a requirement!
But today… today I faltered.
I don’t even know what started it. The breakfast burritos in the break room perhaps? The display of homemade tortillas and mounds of shredded cheese?
Yep, that did it.
Then there were the apple fritters. Followed by the corn fritters and honey butter. And I’m pretty sure at some point in there I grabbed myself a croissant as well.
I don’t know what came over me!
So at 2 o’clock when my coworkers walked into my office with a tray of the most beautiful cupcakes you have ever seen, it didn’t even register to me initially that they might be from something other than the board meetings. I was just trying to carefully calculate whether or not I had the room left in my stomach for one of these sugary perfections.
(Because I didn't think to take a picture of the actual cupcakes until after they were devoured!)
And then – the presents came out.
Which is when I realized that the cupcakes were for my birthday. That these women I have grown to love working with had gotten together to surprise me with a mini celebration.
It absolutely made my day.
I’ve got a lot of mixed feelings about my birthday this year. When faced with yet another Facebook pregnancy announcement today, it’s possible that I was once again reduced to tears. After just being so angry at myself and my jealousy a few days ago, there I was again – jealous over someone else’s ability to do what I will likely never do.
I can’t help but wonder when this will stop. When it will stop feeling like such a punch in the gut every time someone I love makes it to this goal that I will likely never reach.
I want to be OK with this. I want to have accepted it and moved on. I want to be healed and happy and ready to take on whatever comes next with as much passion and excitement as I would have taken on motherhood.
But… It still hurts. Every time I actually face it, it still hurts.
And I’m still jealous. Me. A girl who has never been an overly jealous person in her life. A girl who always knew exactly what her blessings were and how very lucky she was. A girl who was confident enough in what she had to not covet what others had.
I’m not that girl anymore. Instead, I’m a girl who cries over Facebook pregnancy announcements.
A girl who is turning 28 in just a few short days. With no partner by my side, and no baby in my arms.
A girl whose life at 28 looks nothing like what I once thought it would.
But… I’m also a girl with an amazing group of friends who are going to band together to help me celebrate tomorrow night.
A girl with a home she loves in a state she adores.
A girl with coworkers who went out of their way to do something nice for me today.
A girl with a whole lot of amazing little things in her life.
Even if the big things still seem so far out of reach.
For now – I’m going to try to focus on those little things I do have, rather than the big things I don’t.
And this weekend?
This weekend I’m going to celebrate another year of life.
Another year of lessons.
And another year of all the little things that have kept me smiling.
Always.
