God is Good

It's been a weekend where I have been robbed of my sleep-ins and pushed to the brink of productivity, but I'm not complaining...

I spent the morning with a good friend at her church for Easter services, and then this afternoon at my church in the nursery with the kiddos.

We had a full room, and lots of rambunctiousness to deal with this Easter Sunday.

It made me laugh, because I remember the point in time when I was terrified of volunteering in that room. Sure only of one thing – that being around children had somehow become a difficult prospect for me, and I no longer wanted that to be the case.

There are still days (or rather moments within days) when spending that much time with other people’s children stings me (there was a point today for instance, when one of the little boys asked out of the blue if I had any kids, and when I said “no”, he pointed out that I should), but for the most part – those hours I spend in the nursery leave me smiling far more than they leave me sad.

I'm remembering that I'm a kid person. That I'm at my best when I'm surrounded by children.

Even if I can't have any of my own.

Still… I didn’t sign up for the next semester of volunteering. I wanted to, but it’s summertime in Alaska, and when it’s summertime in Alaska – I never know from one weekend to the next if I’m going to be here in town, or traipsing about this amazing state of mine.

I’ve got to take advantage of the sunshine while I can.

Truth be told - I could use some sunshine and adventure over the next few months.

So today was my last day with the 3 year olds at church. At least for a few months.

It was a great last day with them though. One of our littlest guys showed up dressed in a 3 piece suit and was just such a cutie I couldn’t help but feel my heart melt.

I found myself having a conversation this afternoon with the other teacher in the classroom in which she was asking me for more details on my last year. She knew I had needed surgery in February, but didn’t know much beyond that. I wound up divulging the other details, but somehow did so with a smile on my face.

Pointing out the blessings along the way, rather than the heartaches.

• The donation of meds for my first IVF cycle.
• The way the timing came together so that I could still attend the wedding of someone I cared about a great deal.
• The enormity of warmth and support those close to me have shown.
• The incredible doctor who seemed to swoop in like a knight in shining armor to relieve me of my pain when I needed it most.
• And the increased knowledge of health and nutrition I don’t think I otherwise ever would have sought out.

I recited off this list of blessings (and more) as I saw her face sinking over the failings. I didn’t want her feeling sorry for me. Didn’t want her pitying me. So instead, I reminded her (and myself) of the good things that have happened over the last year as well, declaring at the end “God is good!”

The truth is – I don’t know if I believe that. Not necessarily that God is or isn’t good, but that the blessings outweigh the heartaches. I know over the last few months especially, I have had an incredibly difficult time focusing on those blessings, and have instead found myself over and over again lamenting all that has been lost.

I haven't necessarily faltered in my faith, but I have faltered in my committment to that faith. In my ability to continue turning towards God, when in so many ways I've felt that He has turned away from me.

Those old issues of abandoment always cropping up to rear their ugly head in the strangest of ways.

And while I can recognize the strength that has been gained in all of this, there are also days when I don't want to be any stronger. When I just want to be happy.

But I would like to be able to do what I did today more often. To be able to focus on the blessings instead of the heartache. On the physical pain I’m no longer in because of one amazing doctor, rather than the emotional pain I still feel daily at the hands of infertility. On my current state of relief from endometriosis, rather than all the things this disease has ripped away from me in the past. On the people who are by my side and do love me unconditionally, rather than the ones who aren’t and don’t.

I want to make an effort. An effort to remember that God is good, and I am blessed.

I just think that some days it’s harder than others.

But summer is here, and a new season is beginning.

The Lord had risen, and God is good.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter.

I know mine was surprisingly special.