I try not to judge.
But one thing that will suck the judgmental side out of me every time is people who are clear examples of crappy parenting.
I can’t help it. It’s my one hot button where I’m sorry, but I just don’t believe there is any room for excuses.
And while I get that there are no perfect parents, and that mistakes are always going to be made; I also think that there is a line. A point that can be crossed when suddenly, a parent has become so selfish that they have lost all sight of what may or may not be in their children's best interest.
I believe this woman has crossed that line.
And I am judging.
For the record, I want to make it clear that my feelings on this don’t stem from my own inability to have children. Yes, there is a sting there. A failure to understand how someone who is so confident proclaiming publically that she never wanted children was able to conceive, when I know that I (and women like me) would do just about anything for the same blessings she was given. But the truth is… I have always been like this. I have always felt that fiery rage towards bad parents. Parents who become so blinded by their own needs and desires, that they forget they brought a life into this world and made the commitment to protect that life and give them the best that they could. Parents who continually forsake what is best for their children in exchange for what is best for themselves. Parents who just can't be bothered to care enough.
Perhaps it’s because I grew up with a parent like that.
But yes, I have always felt this way. I am someone who doesn’t really believe in second chances for parents who lose their children because of infractions with drugs and violence. I don’t have sympathy for parents who get so lost in their own issues that they cease taking care of their children. And I do not believe that parenting is a job you should ever simply be able to walk away from.
In fact, this is a topic I’ve touched on here before. Parenting is not a temporary gig. You don’t get to start it, and then decide you don’t like how it’s working out. You don’t get to step away and take a breather because you realize it’s all harder than you thought it would be. You don’t get a break.
For those of you who have been following the news (or peaking at the discussion over on the community), you’ve now become familiar with who Rahna Reiko Rizzuto is. She has appeared on the Today Show, and written two books; the most recent of which details her decision to leave her marriage and step back from her role as a parent after traveling to Japan for 8 months (according to her personal website, although other news sources are reporting 6 months).
(Courtesy of r3reiko.com)
This is of course, in her own words:
“I realized that I had lost myself a little bit and I wanted to give myself more priority.”
“I didn’t want to be a mother."
“We have to have the freedom to decide”
“I had to reassess what I wanted in my life”
She didn’t want to be “consumed” by motherhood. Didn’t want to lose herself to it. And in these realizations, she suddenly remembered that she had never wanted to be a mother in the first place.
So when her fellowship in Japan ended, she returned home and left her husband of over 20 years and her 2 young boys (only 3 and 5 at the time). She moved down the street, and has maintained “part time” custody of her children. They come to her house whenever they want. Play board games and watch tv. Stay until bedtime if they choose. And then their father picks them up and takes them home. Where he proceeds to do the “heavy lifting” of parenting as she describes it.
The truth is, I don’t think I would be overly appalled by this situation if I heard about it in passing. Plenty of families have similar arrangements, and it seems to work out more or less OK. I don’t really understand it, and I can’t personally imagine having children and not fighting tooth and nail to be as active a player in their lives as possible, but… It doesn’t strike me as totally crazy either.
I mean, after all – at least she’s still there. That’s far more than I got from my mother.
Her children aren't afterthoughts that she only sees on holidays and summer vacations though. They aren't a phone call she remembers to make every few weeks. She didn't exactly walk away from them entirely. Not really anyway.
But then, you hear how she is presenting those decisions. How she is describing them, and even profiting off of them. I'm sure there are plenty of parents who could admit that they never really wanted to children. But how many of them would have the gall to say that to their children directly? Or to announce it on national television with no care or regard at all for how a proclamation like that may make those still growing children feel?
You see her sit on national television and display pictures of her boys, who no doubt have had to go to school knowing that other kids and teachers have now heard their mother say she never wanted them, and suddenly; I can't help but think that she is a truly crappy parent.
Because I’m sorry, that is how a child hears it. You can sugar coat it all you want, but a parent saying they never wanted to have children translates much differently to those children. It suddenly becomes “I never wanted you.”
And that is not OK.
There are plenty coming out of the woodwork right now applauding this woman. Saying that she is challenging gender roles and doing a service for women everywhere. People who are quick to point out that men have been doing this forever, as though that makes it anymore acceptable.
For the record – it doesn’t. I don’t care what parent it is that is making the choices to step back and wipe their hands of the true responsibilities of parenting; it’s wrong no matter how you look at it. I can honestly say that if I met a man tomorrow who had children and was content in having a similar relationship with them that this woman has – I wouldn’t even think twice about dating him. I do think that it says something about a person in general if this is the type of parent they want to be. Male or female. I don’t care. It’s pathetic parenting at best, and a very clear reflection of a painfully selfish person.
But the true kicker to me is really how she has sought out the media attention. How willfully she has now said things quite publically that could very really and truly harm her children emotionally. She has put her own aspirations first. Her own selfish desires ahead of what may be best for her children.
For the record, she is a beautiful writer. And I can obviously understand her desire to be recognized for her writing endeavors. I do get it. But what I don't get is sacrificing your children's emotional well being in order to accomplish that. Exploiting them, and what may very realistically be something that does hurt them, in order to meet your end goal.
And that is the sticking point for me. I listen to this woman talk, and I wonder if she hears herself at all. If she realizes how narcissistic and selfish she is. How painful some of the words that are crossing her lips could be for her children to hear. For them to realize that their peers have also heard.
I am all for women who choose to be child free.I honestly think it’s admirable when a woman is able to buck society’s ideals and forge her own path based on what is best for her. I would much rather a woman who doesn’t want children stay true to that desire, than to see her cave to the pressures and wind up regretting that decision later.
But the fact of the matter is, once you make a decision to become a parent, I do whole-heartedly believe that you have to then be willing to make those children a priority. You have to be willing to think about what is best for them, first and foremost. I believe that becoming a parent means accepting the responsibility of protecting those children as fiercely (or even more fiercely) as you would protect yourself. And yes, sometimes I do think that being a good parent means being willing to put off some of your own wants and needs from time to time in favor of attending to theirs.
And I don’t believe that is what Rahna Reiko Rizzuto has done here. I don’t believe that anything she has done in the writing and publicizing of this book has been done with her children’s best interest at heart.
Which is really the piece that makes me look back on her previous decisions as well.
Because the truth is that while I probably wouldn’t have questioned her custody arrangement before, suddenly seeing her so quick to make the hurtful statements she has readily made about parenting leaves me questioning her intentions in all of this. Her motivations. Her selfish nature. And her… as a human being.
For so many, parenting is a choice they are not even capable of making. No matter how much they yearn to. No matter how hard they try. It is a choice that is out of their grasp. Too far off to reach.
But for those who do make that choice, protecting their children should then become their number one goal.
Rahna Reiko Rizzuto has not protected her children. She has not given them the best of herself that she has to give. She has not considered their feelings in this publicity drive of hers.
She made a choice. A choice to become a mother. And then a choice to step back in that motherhood. To place it second (or third, or fourth) on her list of priorities.
She made a choice. And that choice (much like most of her choices I would assume) revolves completely around what is best for number one.
My mother made many of the same choices. But I was lucky. I had a father who fought to be there for me in every way he knew how. He had his faults (as all parents do), but he never let me believe for one second that he didn't love me. He took on the difficult parts of parenting. The "heavy lifting". He did the work my mother was incapable or unwilling to do. I was lucky.
And I just keep hoping that these boys are equally lucky.
Because at the end of the day… their father has a long road to walk if he hopes to ever truly make up for all the ways in which their mother lacks.
It shouldn't all fall on his shoulders to protect them. To make them a priority. To ensure they always know how very wanted they truly were.
But it does.
And hopefully, he is up to the task.
Because it would appear that Rahna Reiko Rizzuto simply had better things to attend to.
