Some old man patted my butt and told me to “be good!” I should have been skeeved out, but instead I thought “Hey – at least I’ve still got it!”
WINNING
My change oil light lit up on my car just as I was driving past a 10 minute oil change place (and I actually had the time to go in.)
WINNING
And after months and months of trying to find new bedding (and buying and returning everything I thought I would like), today I finally brought something home that I actually love.
WINNING
Of course, not every situation in life is a winning situation. After all, we can’t always be winners at everything.
And what is the opposite of winning my friends?
That’s right.
FAILING
Guess what? I'm failing at Pilates.
On the first night of boot camp the instructors took everyone's measurements. They claimed that the average boot camper loses at least 4 ½ inches in the two week class. They said that the only time someone doesn’t lose is when there is some kind of underlying medical issue.
Right then and there I should have known, but… I was still hoping. Thinking that if I pushed myself hard enough, I could still make a dent.
Well... Monday night the measuring tape came out again to track progress, and I was the only person in the entire class who didn't lose a single inch.
Not even a fraction of an inch.
FAILING
I honestly didn’t expect much. Yes, I’ve been working my butt off, but… I knew that I was having a really hard time engaging those pelvic muscles. And besides, it’s not like I started this for weight lost (or inch loss for that matter). I just wanted something to kick my butt back in gear. Something that would be low impact, while still allowing me to feel like my muscles were working.
But I have to tell you – hearing I was the only one who didn’t lose anything seriously bummed me out.
In fact, I'm pretty sure my lip started quivering and my eyes started welling up. Somehow I managed to hold it together though.
The instructor is just about the sweetest thing ever, and she pulled me aside privately to tell me. She recommended I see a pelvic floor specialist (which obviously, I’m already doing), and told me that if at the end of this week I wanted a full refund, they would be happy to give it to me.
I actually felt a little bad. She has been so sweet and trying so hard – it’s not her fault that my muscles just aren’t quite there yet!
I refused a refund, and told her that I would be talking to my PT, but that I was actually thinking of signing up for a full membership.
The thing is, I’m really enjoying Pilates. And if everyone else is showing those inches lost, I want in on that action! Plus, just seeing how sincere she was about the whole thing, I knew that this was a place I wanted to be working out. That they would probably take extra time with me from here on out knowing how hard I’m trying and what I'm up against to make the same strides as everyone else.
Besides, I would feel guilty taking a refund when I know for a fact that my not getting it has absolutely nothing to do with their instruction.
Yesterday I shot off an e-mail to a co-worker. Nothing major, just poking fun at myself (FAILING was definitely a term that was in use), and complaining about my non-cooperative body.
He responded with all kinds of thoughtfulness about the trauma my body has been through and the fact that it is likely in protection mode right now. Blah blah blah… all sorts of good stuff.
And then, at the very end (for good measure), he added “Plus, you’re totally getting old.”
Bastard.
I spoke to Dr. PT about the whole thing this afternoon, and she had me show her some of the exercises we’ve been doing in Pilate’s. Then she got down and dirty, and placed her hands in some awkward positions as she asked me to do a kegel.
Turns out – I am incapable of doing Kegel’s. Which is kind of the number one thing they have you do in Pilates. Over and over and over again.
I thought I was doing them, I swear. I couldn’t hold them, but I at least thought I was doing them. Not so much the case though. In fact, I’m not doing much of anything. Dr. PT actually said that she doesn’t think I have any control of those muscles down there at all right now.
Which I guess is kind of why I’m there in the first place.
Although, it is completely beyond me how I managed to convince myself that I actually was engaging them, when I absolutely am not.
She said I could keep up with Pilates (in her words “you aren’t going to hurt yourself”), but that I need to recognize that I’m not going to be an expert at anything so core based anytime soon.
FAILING
The problem is, I’m really liking Pilates. I feel like it’s getting me moving, and like I really appreciate the basic theories behind it. I would love to work towards better posture and overall leaner muscles. I would love to have a stronger core.
But…. I would also love to be doing something I stand a chance of being good at right now.
I’m not sure what I’m going to do at this point. The boot camp goes until Friday, so I’m going to complete the course and then think long and hard about a membership. Summertime is coming, and so maybe I just need to work on getting my butt outside doing some cardio while the sun is shining and the snow is melting. Perhaps Pilates is something to revisit next fall after I’ve had a few months of work with Dr. PT.
Then again, I never was good at being told I couldn’t do something. And there is this part of me that is now even more determined to succeed at Pilates. This perfectionist side that simply cannot handle being told that I can’t.
I want to be winning.
Because failing just does not suit me at all.
