He wanted to prepare me for a dip in mood that may present itself after this surgery. He said that for many women, their lives become about this disease. About the pain they can’t escape. As hard as you try to not allow it all to define you; sometimes it’s almost inevitable that it does. When you are in constant pain, it’s difficult to not constantly be focused on that pain.
And when the pain is gone and the disease has been removed, there is sometimes a momentary feeling of panic. Of disillusionment. A heartbeat in time when the patient doesn’t know what to do with herself now that the thing that has been controlling her for the last however many years has been beaten away.
Initially, I thought this was a joke. I couldn’t imagine being more elated than in the moments of realization that endometriosis had lost its hold on me. That the pain was gone, and I was now free to go back to living my life just the way I had been living it… before endo.
I couldn’t imagine feeling anything other than happiness once this surgery was a thing of my past.
But now? I’m starting to wonder if Dr. Cook may have been on to something. If maybe (just maybe) there might have been something to this little theory of his.
I don’t know what I’m feeling right now. Shell shocked? Suffering from PTSD? Dazed? Confused?
Just plain exhausted?
But the truth is – something is definitely off. I am definitely in a funk.
No doubt more emotional than my typically stoic self.
Unexpected. Unexplained. Undeniable.
Sadness.
(Courtesy of Google Images)
And now, it’s at least possible that I have reached the end. At least possible that the battle has been won. At least possible that at the very least; I have a few good and pain free years laid out ahead of me.
I should be ecstatic. I should be swinging from the ceiling. I should be on my hands and knees praising the Lord for all the blessings that have been bestowed upon me.
Instead… I am weepy.
Feeling lonely, and downtrodden, and blue.
And I don’t really know why. I can’t really explain it.
I just know what is.
And what is, is a little bit of heartache on my part right now.
It’s almost daunting; imagining life again without this fight. Trying to picture how I’ll spend my days now, if not in pain. If not conserving energy. If not constantly preparing for the other shoe to drop.
I don’t want to waste it. I don’t want to do any of it wrong. I don’t want to wake up in pain 2 years from now and feel like I didn’t live life to the fullest when I had the chance.
But… I’m also exhausted. And unsure of how to truly start over. How to push endometriosis to the back of my mind and return to a life that isn't defined by hormones, and explanations, and heartache, and pain.
So here is my confession:
In the moments when I should be healing and rejoicing and thankful for the gifts I have received, I am instead unexplainably sad. Both for the fight I’ve had to endure, and the future that feels so permanently scarred.
I know that this will pass. That in a few days, I will be feeling like myself again. That with time, I will find my footing and redefine my life.
But today, right now, in this moment; I am sad.
Unexpected. Unexplained. Undeniable.
Sadness.
And left to wonder when that too shall pass.
