I have been grasping.
Reaching.
Digging at straws.
Trying to fit into a world I no longer really belong to.
As I wrote this week’s post for Fertility Authority, I found myself stumped. Unsure of what to write really. Unsure of how I could contribute anymore.
The truth is, I’m no longer submersed in the land of IF. I’m not actively trying, and I’m finding myself shying away from the topic as a whole. Wanting very much so to take a step back and redefine my life.
This has been coming for a while I think. For the last few months since my November failed cycle. It feels odd to still be focusing so much on infertility when the truth is; I’m no longer actively doing anything to eradicate that infertility. And I’m not sure that I ever will again.
So… I’m stepping back. This week’s post at Fertility Authority will be my last, and I’m putting the live infertility chats on hold for a little while as well. Obviously, it is still an issue that is near and dear to my heart, and that much isn’t going to change. I think infertility and endometriosis are inevitably going to be topics that continue to crop up here from time to time as I try to figure out the next steps for my life. It’s only natural that there are still going to be times when I will want to focus on both issues right here in this space. But the weekly forced immersion into it was just getting to be a bit too much for me. It was making it difficult for me to take that step back I need right now. That breather that I think is necessary for me to figure out what comes next.
To all of you here reading because you share the infertility connection – please know that I am not abandoning you. I am still going to be “Single Infertile Female.” I am still going to be a 27 (soon to be 28) year old woman trying to put the pieces of her life together in the abyss of infertility. The community will still be a place welcoming of all women from all walks of life looking to talk about anything and everything – from infertility, to breastfeeding. IVF, to issues in the workforce. I am still interested in your stories and lives. I just… I need to start taking my own story in a different direction. My own life needs to be rebuilt on a different foundation. And I can’t do that while still allowing infertility to be such a major focus in my life.
It’s possible that at some point this will all change. I’m not sure right now that I could ever see myself actively trying again, but I’m not completely closed off to the idea at some point in the future under the right circumstances. That point is not now though, and so for now –I need to accept that. And move on, focusing on some of the other facets of my life.
I hope you all understand, and are still along for the ride.
Because trust me… I still plan on it being a wild one.
Just without the needles, and hormones, and sperm purchases.
Meaning – I’m going to need to find a new brand of excitement for myself!
And soon…
ADSPACE
