Submerging myself into different theories and ideas.
Because honestly - that's all there is. Theories. Postulations. Conjectures. Assumptions.
But nothing concrete.
I feel like I've been given a clean slate. Like right now, in this moment, I am endometriosis free. And I feel like it's my responsibility to do whatever I can to keep it that way. To preserve the work Dr. Cook did for as long as possible. To read and learn and treat my body as good as I can, so that it doesn't come back. So that a year from now I'm not curled up in the same crying mess of pain I was just a month ago.
But the problem is - there is nothing out there that is known for sure. Nobody knows what causes endometriosis. Nobody understands why some women can have it with relatively few symptoms, while others can have it attacking every organ in their bodies. Nobody can explain why the “treatments” work for some but not others. It’s all just a bunch of… guessing.
And here is the part where this conversation is going to take a turn most men will want nothing at all to do with. I’m telling you now; you’re going to want to turn away. Nothing from this point forward could possibly serve you in any way in the future.
Because I’m about to start talking about tampons.
I have been a tampon user my entire life. Pretty much since that very first period. And I've never had any concerns about them at all. At least, not until the last few years. Not until I hit a point where my cramps and pain were noticeably worse when I had a tampon in. I had a lot of theories as to why this may be. Mostly, I convinced myself that the cotton was absorbing at such a fast rate that it caused the shedding to happen quicker than it otherwise would. I was convinced that the tampons I was using were like extra strength sponges. At the height of my period, I simply couldn’t use them anymore. Tampons were the difference between being able to grind my teeth and make it through the day, and being completely and totally incapacitated. So even though I loathed pads (and the mess they made), I started resorting to using them at least in the first few days of my period every month. The times when the pain was most severe.
I honestly hadn’t thought much about why tampons may be making things worse though. And I have to admit that in the days following my surgery (when I exhibited the amazing timing of starting my period within 24 hours of waking up in the recovery room) I lamented the fact that I wasn’t even allowed to use tampons. I was annoyed that I was stuck in bed, in pain, with a pad stuffed between my legs at a time when I didn’t even want to be wearing underwear.
I was a classy wench I tell you. Me, my hospital grade mesh panties, and my maternity pads.
Classy class.
Needless to say, I wasn’t doing much thinking in the days surrounding that first post surgery period. And I was so hopped up on painkillers anyway, that it would be almost impossible for me to gauge how that period compared to periods past. I’m still waiting for the one on the horizon to see if there is much of a difference in pain.
But in the meantime… I’ve been thinking. Mostly about tampons. About some theories I’ve heard mentioned in the past regarding retrograde menses. The idea that endometriosis may actually be caused by period blood backing up into the body when a tampon is blocking the usual exit.
So this weekend, I started googling. Wondering how much information was out there regarding this theory. How concrete some of the evidence may be.
Imagine my surprise when one of the first sites to pop up with information belonged to none other than my favorite doctor.
I sat there reading through the information Dr. Cook had compiled, growing more and more horrified with each paragraph. Things I had never even considered were outlined in such a way that I could no longer pretend that tampons were this harmless product that everyone and their mother used without issue. I was suddenly confronted with the onslaught of chemicals I had been shoving up my hoo-ha for the last however many years, and I was honestly shocked.
How is it that tampons are marketed as such a safe product when they are full of bleach and chlorine and dioxin? How is it that we are fooled into believing that there is nothing to worry about in using them, when clearly – they contain chemicals most of us would never think about putting inside our bodies if we actually knew the truth?
Why is it that we as consumers (myself included) are so uneducated about these things? So naïve to the dangers of products we use every single day without thought?
Needless to say, my disgust only grew as I continued to read.
The information and studies related to endometriosis in particular were limited (as always), but there was one study that stood out to me involving monkeys (yeah, I don’t even want to think about who’s job it was to shove tampons up a monkey), and those that were using tampons had almost double the endometriosis occurrence when compared to those who didn’t.
Honestly, reading about the chemicals was enough for me, but combined with the monkey data? I was sold.
In my new (endometriosis free) life, I will not be using tampons. It has been decided. Done and done.
Because the truth is – I am now cringing at the thought of how many years I spent putting those things inside of me. Sure, there are plenty of other possible factors to my case. A family history for one. 13 years as a vegetarian who ate lots and lots of soy for another. And 2 different rounds of egg donations and pumping myself full of all the hormones involved certainly didn’t help. I’ve said before that I think the extremity of my case had a lot to do with a perfect storm. I pretty much did everything wrong (obviously having no idea at all that I was doing anything wrong), and it all kind of blew up at once.
But now that I have this clean slate, it’s my duty to educate myself. To not make the same mistakes twice. To read and research and learn, and to pay attention when certain theories start to make sense.
And knowing what I know now – the tampon theory is kind of starting to make sense.
Of course, that leaves me with a few less than savory alternatives. I briefly considered purchasing myself a Diva Cup, but the truth is – just thinking about the mess involved in that really skeeves me out. I just can't wrap my head around the idea of collecting my menstrual blood in a tiny little cup... Something about the whole thing just seems very very wrong to me. Plus, I can’t convince myself that a Diva Cup wouldn’t result in the same retrograde threat that tampons pose. So that’s out.
And much to my dismay – most pads contain many of the same chemicals that tampons have. Granted, that’s got to be better than actively shoving those chemicals inside of you, but… Still not worth the risk in my mind.
So today on my lunch, I went out and hunted down some natural pads. Even though I have boxes upon boxes of tampons at home. And at least one box of pads as well. It didn’t’ matter. I was on a mission. No chemicals. No scary stuff. Just straight cotton.
I found them easily enough, and then laughed at what a hippy I’m becoming as I walked to the checkout stand – picking up a package of dove chocolate on the way. Crossing my fingers and sending up a simple prayer that tomorrow won’t be the day I learn about all the ways in which chocolate can lead to endometriosis.
Because the truth is – a girl can only take so much.
Knowledge is power.
But I guess there are some things I would just rather not know!
