Healing.
I woke up this morning with that itch. The all too familiar travel bug. A long stifled lust for seeing the world.
(Courtesy of Google Images)
I used to spend hours upon hours planning away at statravel.com. It was a true heartbreaker for me when I turned 27 last year and officially aged out of their discounts and deals.
At the time though, I literally had an entire around the world trip planned out. To the tiniest of details. I figured then that I could do it all for around $10,000. That I could travel, and eat, and sleep, and see the world for about that sum if I did it right. If I was smart and frugal – which I knew I could be. Especially abroad.
My destinations were picked and my visions for the future mapped out. When I graduated from college, I was going. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.
I was going to see the world.
And then, one of my best friends at the time had a baby. And… everything changed. I had always known I wanted to be a mother, but the truth is – I had never felt any kind of rush in doing so. I figured I could travel, and play, and get all of that other stuff out of my system first. I figured I could live the life I wanted to live in my 20’s, and then start thinking about settling down in my 30’s.
But now? Seeing someone I cared about (someone my age) with a baby. Settling down. Starting a family.
I wanted that. I wanted that more than I had ever wanted anything. I wanted to stop partying and drinking and playing around. I wanted to find Mr. Right and fall in love. Get married, and have lots and lots of babies.
Suddenly, all my hopes and dreams shifted. And as much as that trip around the world still appealed to me – it now felt like a time waster. Like time spent goofing off instead of working towards my real goals.
And so, I put it on hold. I still worked towards graduating from college, but instead of getting on a plane to Costa Rica when that diploma came through – I packed up my bags and moved to Alaska. I started working towards settling down. And I shoved the travel bug aside.
A lot of you are probably surprised to read this now. To learn that pregnancy was not always my number one goal. But those who know me best – they remember. They remember the girl who dreamt of traveling. Of seeing the world. Of just getting on a plane, and going.
They remember the girl who had an entire around the world trip planned out.
And suddenly this morning, I remembered her again too.
Could I do it now though? Could I still be that girl?
My feelings on adoption are still up in the air. My aching over those failed cycles still very much so palpable. And the truth is – the only man I have ever loved (the one I'm fairly sure, at least on some level, I've been sitting here waiting for) may very well have moved on. Coming to terms with the fact that the second chance I used to believe we would eventually get may not be as inevitable as I once thought has been mind boggling to me.
Life feels on hold right now. As if I’m waiting for something. Sitting on pins and needles hoping for the answers to all the questions I’ve had over the last year. But unsure of when (or even if) those answers will ever present themselves.
Maybe it’s time to stop waiting. Adoption can happen at any time. Love will happen when it is meant to. And eventually – my heart will heal.
Perhaps it’s possible that it’s meant to heal on the other side of the world though.
Costa Rica to Ireland. Ireland to Greece. Greece to Thailand. Thailand to Australia. Australia to New Zealand. New Zealand to Fiji. And then from Fiji to home. Wherever it is I decide home should be at that point.
I would still be a year away from being able to do anything. I know there are those thinking right now “No way! Just do it! No time like the present!” but, I spent the last year doing things with that mentality, and it only served to dig me into a heap of debt. I would need a year to get out of that. To pay off especially my grandmother, who I dearly love and hate owing. Beyond that though, I bought my home under the 2009 new home owner’s credit. Meaning; this has to be my main residence for 3 years or else I have to pay that money back. It would take about 3 years for me to have enough equity in this place that I wouldn’t lose money on the sale too. So Alaska will be home until May of 2012 at least.
But… it’s not like I’ve never spent a year working towards a goal before.
I would be 29 when I left. I would turn 30 in some foreign country. I’m honestly not sure that I could imagine anything more perfect. Well… I could imagine something more perfect (love, babies, happily ever after), but as far as consolation prizes go? This is a pretty good one.
And suddenly… I’m planning.
Thinking about taking that other path. The one I bypassed the last time around.
Maybe something will happen in the next year that changes these plans. Something bigger. Something better. Something more in line with those original hopes and dreams.
But if not? If nothing magically appears in front of my face big enough to make me want to stay?
This time next year I might just be gearing up for the biggest adventure yet…
