It’s my sperm book. The collection of information I had on my donor that I thought maybe one day any baby to be might want to have. It’s separated and tabbed because I’m an overly organized freak like that, but it’s the information held within that has me pausing right now.
This book was supposed to be something I would one day pore over with my future babies. Describing to them the stranger who had once upon a time helped to contribute to their existence.
Only… they obviously don’t exist. Those babies to be will obviously never be.
So, why do I still have this book? And why am I so reluctant to throw it away now?
There’s part of me that keeps thinking it’s a story to tell. Something I should hold on to if only because one day, it will be funny to look back on. The time in my life when I bought sperm, and felt the need to document everything I knew about that sperms original owner.
(Everything except that his quality was only ranked as fair, which I obviously didn't find out until after the fact. A little known secret in the sperm buying community... you don't get a sperm analysis until the day of fertilization. Which could be at least part of the reason my 10 eggs only led to 3 embryos. His fair sperm combined with my fair eggs did not equal excellent embryo production. Not that I'm bitter or anything.)
But do I really need a facial features report on my donor in order to make that a story worthy of telling? Would anyone hearing the story really need the visual this notebook provides?
I’m a girl who hates clutter. I never keep anything. I am not sentimental, and I don’t typically hold on to things that serve no further purpose in my life.
And this book? It serves no further purpose in my life.
But it feels so bizarre to let it go too. The donor profile, his essay, the staff impressions, the Keirsey Report… it all seems like such personal information to just toss into the trash. Even though I don’t know this person. Even though I no longer have any connection to him at all. Even though I never will.
I still feel weird about tossing this book I put together not too long ago with all kinds of hopes and dreams for the future in my heart.
I started thinking about it, and wondering if the families I donated my eggs to once upon a time have a similar book dedicated to me. Obviously, their book would be much thicker, as the information available on egg donors far surpasses the information available on sperm donors (I swear, they probably could have filled 2 books on me in photos alone). But, I wonder if they still have it. If the family that was able to conceive looks over it from time to time with their little ones who now must be nearing 3. And if the family who was not able to conceive had the same difficult time throwing away my information as I am having now.
It’s just weird. Another piece of the puzzle that eventually I am going to have to let go of, since obviously nothing ever came of the sperm that is described within this book. But I can’t help but think about all the hopes I had for it. For what the future of this book would mean to my family. For the answers it would hopefully give my children until they were old enough to decide whether or not they wanted to use the open ID option to contact him and find out more.
Now… it’s all kind of pointless. And yet, I still can’t throw it away.
Will someone please come to my house and do it for me? Because this is just lame.
I have a book about overpriced sperm sitting in my closet.
If that doesn’t make me weird, I don’t know what does.
