I was driving to work and had been flipping stations on the radio. I can’t really stand the talk radio most of the stations have in the mornings. The banter and discussion topics usually seem overly contrived to me, and I inevitably end up finding myself annoyed by something someone has said in an attempt to be funny or offensive. Vying for their own time with the mic and talking over each other along the way.
(Courtesy of Google Images)
Suffice it to say, I typically prefer music on my morning commute.
But yesterday morning, for whatever reason, I stopped on one of those morning talk shows. One flanked by two men and a woman, who as far as I can tell are always at each other’s throats. I think that’s their gimmick.
This time though, they were talking about something that actually caught my interest.
They were discussing the fact that all parents will eventually regret having children, whether they admit to it or not.
Now, from what I can tell, none of these three has children of their own. So it would typically be pretty easy for me to assume that none of them want children, making it easier for them to believe that no one wants children. I know I personally have a hard time comprehending the fact that there are those who don't want children at all, because my desire for them is so strong. I could see the reverse being true on the opposite side of the spectrum.
And for the record, I fully respect those who are child free by choice. It may be a choice I don't really understand, but it's one I can support. I would much rather people come to that conclusion before having children than after.
So I pretty much had myself convinced that's where these three were coming from.
But then, people started calling in. Agreeing with them. Telling them that they were right.
That most parents do regret having children. They wind up missing the lives they gave up and resenting their children for taking and taking while essentially giving nothing back.
I have to admit, I was horrified. Sitting there in my car in shock and awe that so many parents were calling in to boldly admit that they wished they had never had children.
Then came the kicker. A woman called in who was articulate and seemingly normal enough. She said she had five children (so, one would have to presume that at least once upon a time she actually wanted children), and that if she could do it all over again; she wouldn’t have had any of them.
She advised all childless listeners to maintain the lifestyles they had. To avoid having children at all costs.
When asked to elaborate, she explained “You will love your children with everything you’ve got, and they will only break your heart. Again and again.”
She went on to say that she had an 18 year old daughter who was “going through all that crazy hormone stuff” and an autistic son; both whom (according to her) had broken her heart countless times.
It was then that I pulled into my office and had to shut off the car and go inside. So I never did hear how the conversation with this woman ended.
But the whole thing made me very sad. Tugging at my heart for the rest of the day.
There were just so many. So many parents calling in to say that they had no idea what they were signing up for when they chose to conceive. So many parents saying that if they could go back, they would choose differently.
And I found myself wondering “Do all parents feel this way? Deep down inside, are they all longing for the life they had before babies?”
I just can’t imagine it. My entire life, all I have ever really wanted was to be a mother. When I was home for Thanksgiving I went through a box of my childhood things and discovered a pile of old diaries. Do you know what I found in my diary from when I was 11 years old? Pages upon pages of baby names. A list I had started that I hoped to one day be able to pull from when I had kids of my own. Every time I heard a name I liked or found interesting, I had written it there.
Hundreds of names.
For my babies to be.
And that’s how most of my childhood went. I didn’t dream of driving, or college, or first dates. Or, maybe I did, but not nearly as much as I dreamed about first steps, and home cooked meals, and soccer games.
I was a mother at heart. Even then.
And it’s a trait that has carried over for me. In most of my relationships (both romantic and platonic), I am the caretaker. The one who wants to cook dinner and clean up and nurse illnesses back to health.
I am the mother.
And I can’t imagine things being any other way.
Now, I recognize that with parenthood comes disappointment and heartache and frustration. I know for a fact that I have put my own father through a million difficult times (difficult years). I know it isn’t all sweet moments and “I love you’s”. I am smart enough to recognize that.
But regret?
I just cannot imagine ever regretting becoming a parent.
Maybe I just don't get it though. Is it because I’m not there? Because I want it so badly and fear so deeply that I may never have it? Is that what has me so confused by the reactions of the parents who called in?
Am I crazy for thinking that’s what you sign up for? That parenthood is difficult and trying, but also exhilarating and gratifying. That you take the good with the bad, and if you aren’t willing to do that; you shouldn’t become a parent to begin with.
Am I crazy for thinking people should understand that?
For thinking that in that understanding, you can become the kind of parent who never regrets having children? Even on the worst of days?
We’ve been discussing this all day over at the community, and I’ve been fascinated by the responses most of the mothers there have given. I would love to hear what you think as well.
Is regret too strong a word?
Or is it one that makes perfect sense, once you truly understand all that motherhood entails?
My entire life, I’ve felt like I was built to be a mother.
The only thing I can ever imagine regretting is not doing everything in my power to make that so.
But regretting parenthood?
I guess I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around that.
