I actually talked about it here at the time.
What I didn’t tell you though was the real reason I felt that way (beyond the fact that I just didn’t have any pregnancy symptoms.)
Part of the reason I felt that way was because it seemed like things were going too well. Like life was giving me too many breaks in other areas.
I felt like I was getting consolation prizes.
Like someone was preparing me for the fact that I was about to lose the race.
There was the boy.
And the new job opening up (which I just knew in my gut I was going to get – even before I actually knew).
But there were other things too.
Smaller things.
Pieces of the puzzle lining up to cushion me for a blow.
And I felt it in my soul. That all of this was happening to help me get through once the results were revealed.
I tried to fight that nagging feeling, because I didn’t want to believe it.
But there was this voice in my head telling me that I couldn’t possibly have it all.
And that these other pieces were all falling together now, only because the large one I really wanted wouldn’t be revealing itself anytime soon.
I kept telling myself that all the pieces of the puzzle don’t just come together at once. It doesn’t happen like that.
Ever.
And so, I knew. As more and more pieces of the puzzle started to fall into place, I knew that I wasn’t pregnant.
Because it was the only piece I had really wanted.
I was talking to Dr. Headshrink about those pieces today. She was pointing out all the great things that have come into my life in the last several weeks, and I was explaining to her my theory of puzzle pieces.
(Courtesy of Google Images)
Trying to describe the feeling I’ve had that the universe has been working on balancing things out for me lately. Attempting to give me a few “wins” after dealing one of the biggest “losses” of my life.
I swear, sometimes I think it's truly amazing that Dr. Headshrink hasn’t had me committed yet.
Of course, she does take notes. And every time she touches that pen to her paper, I find myself fighting the urge to ask what she’s writing. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I want to read my own therapy notes.
That’s normal, right?
I digress though. We were talking about puzzle pieces.
And Dr. Headshrink was reminding me of all the wonderful things that really have come into my life in even the last few weeks.
A new job, which I am truly enjoying.
A Dr. willing to go above and beyond to help me.
A possible new roommate (with a crazy coincidental story to go with her – one which I will be sharing soon if everything works out).
New friends who took the time to reach out to me when I least expected it.
And old friends, who are always there to hold the pieces together for me. Even when I’m not the easiest person to be around.
Under any other circumstances, I would be enjoying life a great deal right now. Embracing the little gifts that the universe was sending me.
And in truth, I do feel like I am starting to emerge from the fog lately. Like my smile is starting to become more and more real, and my interactions with others are starting to bring true laughter to my lips.
I feel like maybe (just maybe) life has taken a hold of me, and is slowly but surely pulling me out of that deep dark place I had started to recede into.
And for that, I am grateful.
Knowing that in reality, all I ever needed was time.
No matter how much I still hate to admit that.
Knowing that I likely even still need time.
That I may need time for a while before it feels like I can truly breathe again.
I am embracing those little pieces of the puzzle that are falling into place though. Trusting that they are all a part of the bigger plan.
A plan which I hope to one day truly understand.
But in the meantime, even as I rejoice over the blessings that I can absolutely acknowledge have been brought into my life as of late, I also can’t help but wonder.
When is it that I’m going to find that other piece? The one that still feels like an empty hole in my heart.
When is that piece going to appear?
And when am I going to get the chance to fit it right into the puzzle?
Alongside all the others.
Where in my heart, I truly feel it belongs.
