I am a girl who lives by daily lists.
It’s no secret that I get some kind of perverse pleasure out of crossing items off.
Sometimes, I’ll even write something down that I’ve already done. Just so that I can have the satisfaction of putting that slash mark through it.
I think we’ve discussed the fact that I’m a bit Type A before, right?
Every day when I get into work though, the first thing I do is reach for a fresh piece of paper so that I can compile my list of things to do.
And today, as I wrote the date at the top of that list, I paused.
1/11/11
For those of you who have been reading for a while, you may remember that today was the day I had originally hoped to do my frozen egg transfer.
I liked the symmetry of the date. The repeating numbers.
The magic that I have always seen behind those numbers.
I know it’s silly. Childish even. But I am a girl who on some level, still believes in magic.
And so whenever I see 11:11 on the clock, I still make a wish.
Always have, and probably always will.
Not because I think that making that wish will actually result in any kind of life altering change, but because… well, what if it did?
After my failed cycle in July, I knew that I needed some time before I would be ready to try again. I needed to allow myself to deal with that loss first, before setting myself up for another.
But I also knew that I couldn’t let those embryos set forever. That they were still my babies, and that I wanted to give them a chance at life.
And so, I set my sights on a January 11th transfer date.
Because it was far enough away to feel like I had gotten some distance from that failure, without being so far out that I would tire of the waiting.
Plus, it was 1/11/11. There had to be some magic in that, right?!?
Unfortunately, the endometriosis started to really flare up again in September. I was in near constant pain, and my ultrasounds revealed rapidly growing endometriomas.
Suddenly, the idea of waiting until January felt like it would be too much. Like the damage done in the meantime could possibly destroy and chances of success.
So, I moved everything up. Before I really felt totally emotionally or financially ready. I just couldn’t stand the idea of waiting and losing my chance.
Besides, I figured that 11/11/10 had to hold just as much magic to it as 1/11/11.
And maybe it did. But sadly, there just wasn’t enough magic there to make it work.
The 2 lines I longed to see never did make their appearance.
I caught myself staring at the date today and wondering “what if?”
What if I had waited? What if I had transferred today instead of then?
What if, right now, I was lying in bed with my feet in the air eating my pineapple and wishing and hoping and praying?
Would it have worked?
Probably not. The truth is, I can’t imagine what would have changed between November and today that would have made a difference. Those babies to be still probably wouldn’t have stuck.
But it was on odd feeling today; looking down at my list and knowing what I had originally intended for this date.
There was also a wave of relief in knowing that’s all in the past though.
A piece of me that was grateful today that I hadn’t brought my baby making woes with me into 2011.
There is something to be said for having all that sadness tucked away into one year. For feeling like there's a clean slate now. A fresh start.
2011 doesn’t hold the weight of a failed cycle, and for that; I am grateful.
And besides, it turns out that maybe today did hold some magic after all.
The insurance has approved my surgery. All the red tape has been cleared away, and it should be smooth sailing from here on out.
I have a 30 day approval window, from February 13th-March 13th.
Right now, I’m just waiting on Dr. Cook’s office to call me with finalized dates.
But today I was knocked down by the realization that two months from now; it’s totally possible that all my pain may be gone.
For the first time in 2 years, it’s possible that I could feel healthy again.
Strong.
Capable.
And pain free.
I’m glad I did that last transfer on November 11th. Glad I left those failures in 2010.
Because here it is, only 1/11/11, and already I’m feeling the magic of this year.
The opportunity to start over.
To wipe the slate clean.
To begin again.
The chance to get my life back.
ADSPACE
