Where does it begin?
And how do you know if you’ve crossed it?
(Courtesy of Google Images)
I’ve been in a bit of a funk the last couple days. (Could you tell?!?)
I may have even admitted to Dr. Headshrink today that I think I might be depressed.
And just so we're clear – I am not a girl who does depression well.
I’m not a girl who does feeling sorry for herself well at all.
But I am there. My heart is breaking, and I just want it to stop.
I just want to feel normal again.
Or, I suppose, since I never would have really described myself as “normal”; I just want to feel like me again.
One of our own got her two pink lines today. Someone who I have grown to know well over at the community, and whose struggle to become a mother I have witnessed for the last year.
Her news should have brought me nothing but happiness. Nothing but joy.
Instead, it buckled me at the knees and set me up for a day of tears.
Feeling once again as though I was being left behind.
She knows where I’m at with this. In fact, I would wager that she can understand my hurt just as much as anyone in this little community of ours.
And so when she wrote me today to see how I was doing, and I told her that I was working hard to not allow my happiness for her be overshadowed by my sadness for myself; I know she understood.
So to you Sparkle; congratulations. I really and truly am happy for you.
(Even if I did have more than a few "why not me" moments today.)
Angry over my own hurt feelings though, I found myself looking at Dr. Headshrink this afternoon and saying “How do we fix this? How do I get past this point now?”
While not-so-secretly wondering “Am I going to feel like this forever?”
I am a happy girl. A thankful girl. A God loving girl.
But for the last few weeks, I have felt like every smile has been fake. Every laugh forced. Every emotion beyond sadness, completely and totally disingenuous.
And I hate feeling like that.
Dr. Headshrink of course gave the typical shrink answer. That I have to go through this. I have to feel this.
I even have to wallow a little.
Because if I don’t let myself grieve now, at some point in the future I am going to fall into that pit of depression I’m so afraid of.
It turns out, she doesn’t seem to think I’m there yet.
Leaving me to question; it gets worse than this?!?
I am not someone who will give up on life. I will continue to get out of my bed every day and do what I need to do. I will continue to socialize. Continue to smile. Continue moving forward, no matter what it takes.
But in my mind, with almost every step I take, I am thinking “This isn’t fair. This isn’t fair. This isn’t fair.”
And then, I scold myself. “Life’s not fair!” I reprimand. “Pull it together! Suck it up! Stop complaining! You’re better than this!”
Yes, this is the inner monologue in my head.
Some twisted combination of a skinny, whiny, junior high kid, and a drill sergeant.
As with most themes in my life, there is no in between.
All or nothing. Broken down, or pretending as though everything is fine.
And I asked again “When will this end?!? When will I get over this?”
She reminded me that I have to give it time. That I have to have patience with myself.
We all know I completely lack patience, right?
So anyway, there it is.
I am depressed.
Not pop a pill depressed, or slit my wrists depressed.
Just depressed.
And hoping for a light at the end of the tunnel soon.
Hoping to avoid crossing that line, from grieving to feeling sorry for myself.
Because despite all the amazing things I have going for me in my life, I think I’m having more and more moments of feeling sorry for myself lately.
And that has got to change.
Because it’s not who I am.
It’s not who I want to be.
But apparently; it takes time.
So between now and the point when I stop feeling this ache, all I can do is keep moving forward.
Keep praying for comfort. For strength.
For understanding.
And keep seeking out distractions in whatever form they may present themselves.
Distractions like Mr. Fix-It. The boy who is coming over tonight for pizza, and cuddling up in front of a movie with me.
The boy whose feelings I realized today I am no longer assessing.
The boy who I think I may even be moving into relationship territory with.
And really; who would have ever predicted that?
I have a good life. I have a lot of blessings. I am lucky in a million different ways.
And I am also depressed.
But that’s OK. I’ll get through this. I’ll pull myself out of it. I will survive.
With time.
Time, and lots and lots of distractions.
