I’m coming to terms with the fact that there are going to be good and bad days for a while.
Days when I am overcome with emotion and can’t seem to stop the tears, and days when I make it through an entire 24 hour period without feeling much of anything at all. Days when I laugh and enjoy myself and life goes on as though nothing has changed, and days when I am almost able to forget that empty space in my womb.
What I can’t figure out however, is what it is that triggers those good and bad days. What causes me to wake up feeling just fine one day, and completely beaten down the next.
Today started out as a bad day. A painful day. A “can’t stop the tears” day.
Given my date with Mr. Fix-It tonight, I was thinking that this bad day after a string of good days couldn’t possibly have worse timing.
But I couldn’t stop it either. I couldn’t change the way I was feeling. The tears that crept upon me as I got ready for work and made my breakfast while shuffling the remnants from my last cycle around.
My calendar, leftover syringes, and that picture. All things that I for whatever reason have not been able to throw away.
I wiped at my cheeks as I drove in, and wondered if I would make it through the day without a full break down.
I didn’t even make it until 11.
I had an appointment with Teeny this morning. And as I was getting ready for my session and trying to update her on all that I’ve been feeling this last week (so that she would know where to focus the needles to help ease my pain) I stopped mid sentence and said “I’m just… I’m having a really hard time accepting the fact that I will never carry a child.”
My lip was quivering, and the tears just fell. I couldn’t stop them.
When I looked up and realized that I now had Teeny crying as well, it only made it worse.
We had a good session from there though. Talked briefly about the future in terms of treating the endometriosis, and ordered up some of that squirrel poop tea.
Because it turns out, I have hit the point where I am willing to try anything.
Even Squirrel poop.
I still left the session feeling defeated though. Worn down. Unable to pull myself out of the funk.
And then, I got a phone call from a dear friend. Complaining about her most current man drama.
I couldn’t help but think “Finally! Someone else’s problems to focus on!”
And as she went on to describe the most recent issue, I found myself smiling more and more with every word.
You see, this new guy has an issue with communication. As in; he doesn’t do it. At all.
When they're together, things are great. They have a good time and really enjoy each other’s company. And it would seem as though they have stepped over that line into actual couple-dome.
But when they aren’t together, they don’t speak. He doesn’t respond to her texts, and doesn’t feel the need to communicate throughout the day if they don’t otherwise have plans.
Now, by all indications, he is most certainly into her. He seems quite smitten in fact.
This isn’t a case of “He’s just not that into you” so much as it’s a case of “He’s just not that into texting with you.”
“There is sex!” She shrieked into the phone. “We have sex! And he can’t respond to my text messages!”
And I lost it. Laughing uncontrollably, even though I could feel her pain.
As a girl who strives to promptly reply to all texts, phone calls, and e-mails that come her way – I can totally get how frustrating it would be to date a guy who seemed to have no interest in keeping in touch between dates.
Communication is important. Especially to girls. It’s kind of vital to our sanity.
But in that moment, I wasn’t really feeling for her.
Instead, I was laughing at her.
Because it was ridiculous. Dating is ridiculous. We make ourselves crazy trying to figure men out, and in the end, even when we’ve found a great one; we still end up pushed to the edge.
It happens to all of us. Even my married friends have these moments with their husbands where they just can’t take it anymore.
It’s a common bond. As women, it’s one thing that is able to tie us all together.
Ridiculous interactions with the opposite sex.
Unlike infertility, which is felt by only a fraction of the population, dating issues are something we can all relate to.
Always.
And for that, I was suddenly insanely happy.
A problem I could relate to.
A problem both me and my friend understood.
Once I stopped laughing at her (no worries – by this point she was laughing with me) I suddenly felt my mood lift. My tears drying up, and the weepies that had been haunting me all day disappearing.
And now, I’m getting ready for tonight.
For a date. A date with a boy. A boy who I really am excited to see again.
To kiss again.
To laugh with again.
A boy who will undoubtedly have me on the phone dissecting his behavior with this same friend sometime soon.
Giving her the opportunity to laugh right back at me.
Creating a problem that is easy to relate to. Easy to understand.
Easy to bond over.
And because of that, this boy is getting a date with a girl who is determined to have a good night tonight.
Even though she had a bad day.
Because it turns out that some problems are fixable. Surmountable. Survivable.
Faceable.
And for now, I'm going to try to focus on those. The issues I can solve.
While I tuck the rest into a closet and hide it all away.
Until another bad day surfaces that is.
And then I'll take it all out and sift through it again. Hoping for the answers that seem to be eluding me now.
Knowing that if those answers still seem out of reach, I have some amazing friends to call up.
Friends who will regale me with their dating dilemmas.
And have me laughing before I even know it.
Climbing my way back into a good day.
No matter what it takes.
P.S. I just got a call. That promotion I eluded to here a few weeks ago? I got it. It's my job, and I strive to keep my work life and my blog life pretty separate (so I won't really be filling you in on all the details), but... this is a big deal. And I am beyond excited.
I guess some bad days can turn into good days after all.
And I have every intention of celebrating tonight with a man who kind of sort of gives me butterflies.
ADSPACE
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