What if, in the midst of healing a broken heart, you made the decision to turn your focus on others?
The decision to stop thinking about yourself, and start thinking about everyone else.
What if you took the opportunity to do something that may actually repair those cracks in your soul one by one, without your even realizing it?
(Courtesy of Google Images)
A few days ago I happened across an article that seemed blatantly ridiculous to me.
It was about a gentleman who had created a blog geared towards his idea to watch Julie & Julia every day for a year and see what he could learn from it.
Ridiculous, right?
I brought the article over to the community though, and asked instead “What would you rather see someone blog about for a year?”
I hadn't been looking for blog ideas myself (I think it's clear that I am not at a loss for words here!) but was instead merely interested.
What could someone do every day for a year that would actually hold your interest?
The first idea that came through was a brilliant one.
Random acts of kindness. Every day for one year.
I thought to myself “I would actually love to read a blog like that.”
And then I thought “I would actually love to write a blog like that.”
Here’s the thing; I have spent the last year (possibly longer) completely and totally focused on myself.
On this goal.
On what has been lost.
And on the complete and total unfairness of it all.
I was even telling Dr. Headshrink this week that I feel as though I have neglected every relationship I’ve got in this endeavor.
For the last year (maybe two years), I have been so focused on myself that I haven't focused on anyone else.
Now, I recognize that was a necessary component of the entire plan. From the beginning, I knew that I would need to keep my eye on the prize if I truly hoped to prepare myself for life as a single mother.
But now that that life seems so very far out of reach; I have allowed myself to sink into a pit of “Why me?”
Why me? Why me? Why me?
The truth is, it is all very unfair. It does suck. It really and truly doesn’t add up at all in my brain.
But, how much longer am I going to allow my life to be dictated by the things this disease has done to me? The things this disease has taken from me? The things this disease has changed for me?
How much longer am I going to allow myself to be focused on me and me alone?
Suddenly, the idea of turning my focus on others seemed like the best way to step away from my own grief.
The best way to step away from the level of self involvement I have plunged into over the last year.
And what better way to turn my focus away from my own heartbreak, than to make a concerted effort daily to bring a smile to someone else’s face.
Now, in thinking about how to execute this, I am honestly at a loss. As I discussed with Loo last night, when I think of random acts of kindness I can’t help but think of things involving money. And given how much money I owe after these efforts to become a mother; I’m not sure I have much to give financially.
In fact, I know I don't have much to give financially.
Coming up with acts of kindness daily without putting myself into even further financial debt would take some creativity.
But again – it would also require turning away from myself a bit. Thinking about others on a regular enough bases that perhaps I could even forget about myself.
Perhaps I could even forget about my own hurt.
Of course, in thinking about what I have to gain from such an endeavor, it loses much of its altruism.
But I learned on Friends a long time ago that there is no such thing as a truly selfless act anyway (remember that episode?!?) so hey – may as well embrace that fact!
The thing is, I would never want that to become the sole focus of this space. I still want this to be my place to document the day to day nonsense dealt with by a single infertile female.
But maybe, if I forced myself to get up and write every morning about the ways in which I attempted to make a difference the day before, it would motivate me to actually do something.
To actually step outside of myself for a few minutes every day.
To actually focus on someone other than myself; even if just in brief intervals.
Now, I’m not talking about anything grand or extraordinary here. I’m just talking about little things. Little acts meant to bring smiles to the faces of other people. Some I may know and some I may not.
More or less though; just a concentrated effort to focus on one other human being a day.
And then to document it.
As a way to hold myself accountable.
I don’t know. I’m still trying to figure out how it would work. How it could be implemented. And how I could make this commitment without dropping money I don’t really have.
And I couldn’t start today, because today has been spent holed up in the privacy of my own home having the quiet day I’ve been craving for weeks.
Because every moment since I returned from Arizona has felt scheduled and full.
The only random acts of kindness I have bestowed today have been upon myself. In the form of a hot bath, hot tea, hitting play on the DVR, and cooking what I want to eat.
But maybe tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow I will wake up and say to myself “Today is the day to start this.” Maybe tomorrow I will start to make a daily effort to do something (no matter how small or seemingly insignificant) for someone else.
And then maybe Monday, I will start writing about it.
Because what if?
What if the true key to healing is in remembering that the world does not revolve around you?
And that there are other people out there in need of some warmth and kindness as well.
People in need of a few random acts.
What if?
