It does.
It really does.
Or at least… That’s what I keep telling myself.
I was watching Dawson’s Creek this morning (because I am a total dork who decided she wanted to watch that show over again from the beginning and promptly added all the disks to her Netflix queue) and I’m up to the point where Andy is on the verge of her breakdown. It hasn’t happened yet, but she’s heading that way.
Anyway, she’s talking to Pacey (love me some Pacey!) and she says “I just want to know that the worst part is over. That everything from here on out is going to get… better. I just want to know that it’s going to stop being so painful, so that I can move forward.”
And I sat there and thought to myself “Me too!”
I got some medical news on Friday that was less than exciting. In fact, it had me sobbing on the phone with my dad the entire drive to work. I was going to tell you all about it yesterday, and then the boy stuff trumped the medical stuff. Needless to say, there is an update in the works. But I’m already working on alternative options. (Because that’s who I am – a fighter till the end!)
Seriously though, I am exhausted. It feels like it has been one difficult thing after another these last two years, and I just want to know that the worst part is over. I want to know that I can safely take some steps forward now, without fearing what’s coming next.
I want to know that I can finally breathe again. That I can start rebuilding without being afraid of the storm that is going to come and tear everything down as soon as I start.
I want to know that if I get up and move forward, I’m not going to get knocked on my ass again.
And I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
The stuff with the boy? Not the end of the world. I’m hurt and a little sad, but the more and more I think about it; it’s mildly ironic. Here I am, the girl who has spent her entire life being a commitment-phobe (the girl who has broken more than a few hearts when things have gotten too serious), and I just got dumped because the man in my life was afraid of commitment.
Talk about getting a taste of your own medicine!
I do genuinely think that he just freaked out. And I even believe that he made a mistake and that I haven’t heard the last of him, but… at this point it doesn’t even really matter. I’ve gone back and forth all weekend between wanting to bare my soul to him and put it all on the line, and wanting to just let things happen the way they’re going to happen. I think the conclusion I finally came to though is that I don’t want to fight for this. Not that there isn’t anything there to fight for, because I believe there is, but… I need stability right now. I need people in my life who know they want to be there, not people I need to convince to stick around. I need more than a guy who doesn’t know what he wants. So whether he winds up figuring it out or not, I’m going to keep moving forward.
When and if he comes around, I guess I’ll just have to figure out how I feel about it then.
But for right now – life goes on.
And I almost have to laugh at the turn of events here.
Because I have been in his shoes a thousand times before. The tables have simply been turned right now.
So I can’t even be mad, because I have done the exact same thing in the past.
And I have lived with the regret of making that move when I shouldn’t have. It’s not a good feeling, knowing you threw away something good.
Not to be cocky, but I think that regret is inevitably going to hit him. And probably sooner than later.
As for me though; I’m going to be fine.
I will always be the girl who pulls herself out of the hurt and pain. I will always be the girl who keeps moving forward.
I will always be the survivor.
And let’s face it; Mr. Fix-It having a relationship freak-out is hardly the worst thing that’s happened to me in this life. Heck, it’s hardly the worst thing that’s happened to me in the last few months.
Life goes on.
And tomorrow, I start my new job. Which is just one more distraction to throw myself into right now. One more thing to get excited about.
So, I’m getting excited.
Because that’s all I can do at this point.
And in the meantime, I’m hoping that the worst is over. That I will soon be able to put 2010 behind me, and move into a new year. With new opportunities and reasons to find hope.
Strength.
And happiness.
I just want to know that the worst is over.
From there, I know that everything will be OK.
ADSPACE
