A realization that I probably should have come to months ago.
Years ago even.
I realized that I have no control. That I cannot simply will the outcomes in this life that I want. And that no amount of pouting, crying, screaming, or bargaining is going to change that.
Sometimes, we just have no control.
I am convinced that this surgery is the answer. The more I’ve researched, the more convinced I’ve become. Every woman I have spoken to who has gone this route (and specifically, every woman I have spoken to who has gone through Dr. Cook) has raved about it. I have not heard a single bad thing. Not a single utterance of disappointment.
Which is probably why Dr. Cook can get away with charging what he does.
Because he’s worth it. Because he gets the job done. Because women walk away after having surgery with him and they are given a gift they haven’t experienced in a long time.
They are pain free.
And that state of being pain free lasts for years.
Sometimes, it even lasts forever.
This is my new dream. The dream to be pain free. To be able to return to my old life. Where I wasn’t running against a clock to conceive. Where I wasn’t daily battling a disease no one around me understood.
My new dream is to have this surgery, so that I can go back to being a girl who smiles from deep inside.
Endometriosis has created such a dark cloud in my life. It has left me crippled in pain, and doubled over in sickness. I realized this last weekend that I’ve forgotten how to really be happy. So much of the last two years has been a fight, and while I have kept my head held high and battled through; pieces of me have continuously been chipped away. I’ve lost sight of who I am and who I want to be in fighting this disease.
So at this point, the goal I would really love to accomplish is getting this surgery. Finding relief, and then being able to move on. Being able to jump back into the life it feels like I exited the moment the pain began.
Like I said before, I’m not even asking for the babies now. My heart aches for that loss. It aches knowing that I am likely never going to carry a child of my own beneath my heart. But I can’t fight that battle anymore. At least not right now.
All I want right now is relief.
And it doesn’t feel like that’s too much to ask.
Unfortunately, there truly is no way I can think of that I could pull together the money needed for this surgery. In my endeavor to get pregnant, I threw caution to the wind and told myself “It’s only money.” I was determined not to let money stand in between me and my dream to be a mommy.
And now, as a result, money is standing in between me and this surgery.
In between me, and relief.
Because I drained every resource I had in trying to get pregnant. And after I had done that, I borrowed heavily from family, maxed out a credit card, and the line of credit attached to my house.
There is nothing left.
Nowhere else to draw from.
And I would guess that my once pristine credit is now anything but, as my debt to income ratio has expanded faster than I ever intended.
The comment has been made that if I truly believe this surgery is the answer, I shouldn’t let money stand in my way.
The problem is; I may not have a choice.
So today (as I stood in my HR ladies office and we discussed the information she may need to be able to fight the insurance company on this) I finally let the realization wash over me.
The realization that I have no control.
I am going to get her whatever it is she thinks may help, and I am going to put myself on a budget as well. I’m going to find myself a roommate, and start trying to work my way out of this debt. I will keep moving forward and doing what needs to be done.
But I’m also going to recognize that I can’t force this. That I can’t fight it.
That whatever will be, will be.
I can’t keep fighting. Not any more. Doing so has only left me exhausted, dejected, and broke.
I want this surgery. I believe it could help. I believe it could be the answer.
But I can’t force it.
I am giving it all to God here.
Finally.
If I am meant to have this surgery (if it truly is the answer) then something will happen. Some way to make it work. Some answer that I’m not seeing right now.
Something will happen.
But in the meantime; I need to just let go, and let God.
Because I can’t fight anymore. I don’t have it in me. I am tired.
And I am recognizing that all this fighting I’ve been doing for the last two years has gotten me nowhere.
So, I’m taking on a different approach. Trusting in the ultimate plan. Believing in the life that’s been mapped out for me.
Having a little faith.
I’m letting go. But only because I don’t have any other choice.
Only because I finally realized, I have no control.
I’m back to a point of being in almost daily pain. Sitting at my new desk today, I was aching inside. Both my ovaries throbbing and my low back screaming at me to go back to bed. I don’t think most people realize that. That endometriosis pain can be a daily battle. I think most people believe it starts and ends with bad periods. And when I’ve just had surgery, that typically is true for me. But when things have spread to the extent they have now, it is a constant pain. Yes, it gets worse with my periods, but it is still a pain I feel every single day of my cycle. I get shooting zings down my hips from endometriosis on my nerve endings. That discomfort beneath my rib cage has not gone away. My low back is constantly aching. And my ovaries – my ovaries are always throbbing.
But I cannot force this. As much as I want relief, I cannot bulldoze my way to an answer.
Because at this point, it really is out of my hands.
I made sure of that, by throwing everything I did into the baby making process.
Until I found myself here; with nothing left.
So there it is. I am relinquishing control. I will continue with acupuncture and herbal treatments. Hoping that alternative medicine can provide me with at least a measure of relief. But I’m not going to fight for anything greater. If $10,000 somehow magically lands in my lap tomorrow, I guarantee you that the first call I will be making is to Dr. Cook’s office. But until then, I am going to try to take a step back here.
To breathe.
And to believe.
That whatever is meant to happen next, will.
With or without my fighting to force the outcome I desire.
Let go, and let God.
(Courtesy of Google Images)
That’s where I’m at right now.
Because I have no control.
As much as it pains me to admit it.
I have no control.
