One who pulls herself up from even the most brutal of knockdowns and manages to find the silver lining.
A girl who survives. Thrives. And keeps on fighting.
But I have to be honest – I am feeling less than strong lately.
Today in fact, I am feeling quite weak. Incapable. Hopeless.
I got a call from the financial department at Dr. Cook’s office this morning. They had spoken to my insurance company, and wanted to let me know how much I could expect this surgery to cost me.
A little over $10,000. Out of pocket.
After insurance.
And that's before you figure in the travel costs.
I’m not sure what I was expecting. What I was thinking here. They are an out of network provider (all specialists performing this type of surgery are), so I’m not sure why I expected this to be more reasonable.
But I did. In the back of my mind, I really did. I thought for sure it would come out to be something I could handle.
I have to tell you though; I cannot afford $10,000. Not even close. And that price was only if the surgery remains under 4 hours. If he gets in there and it turns out he needs longer to clear everything out, it could wind up costing me thousands more.
And again; I do not have it.
I don’t talk much about money here, but I am tapped out. Between my 2 surgeries and medical expenditures last year, and my 2 rounds of IVF this year; I am on empty. I have no more expendable funds. I am up to my ears in debt.
And it is terrifying to me. Terrifying that I allowed things to go so far, and terrifying that none of it really got me anywhere.
I’ve been doing this thing where I don’t think about it. Where I pay the bills every month, but I ignore what all that debt means. Where I keep living my life exactly how I would otherwise, because I cannot face how much money has literally been thrown into the wind.
Because at the end of the day, here I am. Right back at square one. In pain. With a severe case of endometriosis. And with no baby in my arms.
I have been running and running and running, and I have gotten nowhere.
(Courtesy of Google Images)
So when the nurse started mentioning financing options, it was all I could do not to throw up.
How much more debt can I really take on? At what point does it hit a place where I simply cannot pay my bills?
If I lost my job tomorrow, how long would it be before I also lost my house? My car?
My dignity?
Even with great health insurance, I have been consumed by medical debt.
And I honestly don’t know how I could responsibly take on any more.
Certainly not so much more.
This surgery isn't even about having a baby. I'm passed that. Working every day on coming to terms with the fact that it will probably never happen for me. Because even with this surgery, the damage that has already been done would not be repaired. I still would likely never conceive on my own. And I would still feel the same way about IVF as I do now.
That I couldn't put myself through it again without some serious guarantees.
Guarantees that will likely never exist.
No. This surgery is not about having a baby. It is about finding relief. About getting a reprieve from this disease. From the constant pain. And the nagging images I have in my head of it taking over. This surgery is about fighting this disease in a way I haven't yet tried. Without feeling like I am losing even more of myself.
This surgery is about continuing to fight without compromise.
But there is this part of me that feels like the thing that has gotten me in the most trouble over this last year has been fighting life’s circumstances. Fighting everything that I don’t like. Fighting to arrange the world exactly how I want it.
Just fighting.
I was watching a movie last night and someone said that true happiness is what you find when you embrace the life you’ve been given for exactly what it is. When you stop fighting.
And I couldn’t help but wonder if there was some truth to that? If there is something to be said for accepting what you’re given and not wanting for anything more.
But how do you do that? How do you just give up on your hopes and dreams? How do you walk away from the life you wanted and embrace the one you were given instead?
How do you do that, especially when the life you were given involves almost constant pain. Pain that you can’t exactly ignore. And a disease that you can’t help but imagine tearing you apart from the inside out.
I am a fighter. I have always been a fighter. I fight for the things I want. For the people I love. For the world to be the way I dream it.
So which way is better? Accepting life’s circumstances just the way they are, or fighting for more; even if it means you lose?
Because if I am being nothing short of brutally honest here; I am tired of fighting. I feel like I have been running an uphill battle to the best of my ability for the last 2 years, and I keep losing. I keep getting pushed back. Kicked to the ground.
At what point do you just give up?
Because I’m not sure I see any more holes to punch my way through. I’m not sure I see a way to keep fighting. A way to win.
And so instead of fighting, I am hiding. Pulling the covers over my head and simply hiding.
I don’t want to go anywhere. Not to church. Not out with friends. Not anywhere.
I don’t want to do anything.
I want to stay in my bed this next 4 days and cry.
Because I am exhausted. And I don’t know what to do from here.
And that is the less than pretty side. The side of me that just wants to give up, because where is all this fighting getting me? The side of me that feels like she has nothing left. The side of me that is broken down and beaten to the ground and doesn’t know how much more she is supposed to put into this battle.
The side of me that wants to quit fighting.
The side of me that is even starting to question God.
I just want to feel better. I want to feel like me again. I want to not hurt so badly anymore.
I just want a fight that I can win.
