At their worst that is.
When they do things so asinine and frustrating that all you can do is shake your head and think “MEN!”
Generalized Douchebaggery.
I’m pretty sure it’s a medical condition. Something they can’t really avoid. An ailment built into the Y chromosome.
Generalized Douchebaggery causes men to suddenly become emotionally inept at the worst possible times. It leads to cold and callous behavior and forces them to focus all of their attention onto one specific part of their anatomy, while forgetting the hearts, feelings, and needs of those around them.
Generalized Douchebaggery.
I’ve been saying it over and over again for the last few days. Ever since I spoke to The Devirginator and got his take on what went down with Mr. Fix-It.
You knew I was going to call him, right? He’s my closest male friend in this world, so of course I was going to go to him for a male breakdown of exactly what happened here.
In fact, I have relied on The Devirginator to perform the autopsy on every single one of my relationships for as long as I can remember.
This is not a service that goes only one way mind you. When we were 15 or 16, it was I who tried to talk him out of climbing the tree outside the window of the girl who had just dumped him and proclaiming his love for her. It was then also I who listened to him cry (if he is reading here, I take it back – he never cried) (except, he really really did) when her dad caught him up in that tree and forcefully kicked him off the premises as she stared on in complete and utter fear.
Throughout the years, we have been this to each other. The analyzer of the opposite sex. The therapist and advisor on all dating related issues.
And as we’ve gotten older, we’ve actually learned to listen to the advice we’re given. Realizing that the other person really does know best on these matters.
Not to toot my own horn, but it was actually my advice that helped him land his current girlfriend. After he had thoroughly screwed things up on his own. I sat on the phone with him night after night talking him down from that ledge until she finally came back around.
As I promised him she would.
But really and truly – he was a pathetic sap through most of that waiting. (Again, if he is reading; that’s just some journalistic embellishment my friend. There is nothing pathetic about you at all!)
(Except that when he falls for a girl who doesn’t seem to return his advances – then he really can be a little pathetic).
So yes, this is our bond. The duty we each perform for each other.
The forensic relationship examiner.
And his diagnosis in the case of Mr. Fix-It?
The man suffered from a moment (or possibly several moments) of douche-itis.
He couldn’t quite pinpoint how long-term this diagnosis may last. According to him, I may hear from the boy again in a few days, a few months, or possibly never again. All he could say for sure was that it had obviously come on suddenly and unexpectedly.
Probably to both of us.
He then went on to explain a few of the triggers to me.
And while I was rolling on the floor laughing, I was also left thinking to myself “What the heck is wrong with men?!?”
The first trigger he pointed out to me? The toothbrush. He said that while Mr. Fix-It was laughing and joking about the toothbrush initially, it was probably the thing that originally set his head spinning. The first straw that got this “I don’t want to be in a relationship” stance started.
Apparently I should have continued my poor dental hygiene every time I spent the night over there. It turns out, that would be the preferable option to leaving a toothbrush at a man's house.
The Devirginator then explained to me his past resolution for the toothbrush dilemma.
You’re going to love this.
Apparently, my old friend who I love dearly has in the past practiced the act of purchasing toothbrushes at Costco.
When a new girl would spend the night, he automatically had a new toothbrush on hand. Then when she would leave the next morning, he would promptly throw the toothbrush away.
Even if he had intentions of seeing her again.
His reason? “I didn’t want that thing in my house! Girlfriends leave toothbrushes behind!”
Generalized Douchebaggery.
The next trigger he explained was the friend’s thing (obviously, since that was the moment where Mr. Fix-It became a guy I no longer recognized).
According to The Devirginator, meeting the friends is actually more frightening than meeting the parents.
When I explained that Mr. Fix-It had actually introduced me to some of his friends on our 2nd date, and that he was even supposed to meet my friends several weeks ago (before he got into the car accident) and that it hadn’t seemed like an issue then, he again went back to the toothbrush.
And the fact that Mr. Fix-It had likely already been having relationship anxiety on this particular night as a result of said toothbrush.
Making him that much more apt to fear the meeting of the friends. Even though it had never before seemed like an issue.
According to The Devirginator, friends are more likely to judge the new man in a girl’s life. They are more likely to dissect what they do and do not like about him. Even more likely to influence a woman’s decisions about a future with this man.
Thus, meeting the friends can be more frightening than meeting the parents. And if you aren’t even sure if you want a relationship, why subject yourself to that dog and pony show?
How about because you’re digging on a girl and spending all kinds of time with her, so it’s only logical that you would make that next step?
It’s not like meeting the friends equates to getting down on one knee.
But according to The Devirginator, for some guys it’s just too much pressure.
Generalized Douchebaggery.
“I don’t get it though!” I told The Devirginator. “The guy stuck around even after I told him about all my baby making stuff. Shouldn’t that have been WAY more scary than meeting my friends?”
According to The Devirginator, it’s possible that at that point he felt like he had already put the work in and decided he would stick around long enough to at least still close the deal.
“I’m telling you.” He said. “This one time I was dating a girl who I realized was completely and totally crazy a few dates in, but she was just so good looking that I couldn’t bail until after I had gotten her naked. She was so nuts, that when I spent the night there I would have nightmares about finding her standing over me with a knife. She scared the crap out of me. But I still kept dating her until I closed the deal.”
Generalized Douchebaggery.
And let me just tell you that it was in that moment that I became ridiculously grateful I have never dated The Devirginitor.
At least, not in my adult life.
Because as much as I love that boy with all my heart – man is he a douche!
When I explained to him that I had dropped the baby bomb two dates in, and that Mr. Fix-It hadn’t really laid much groundwork up to that point, we both agreed that this final theory probably didn't stand up to the facts. That it was more likely a combination of the first two, resulting from some issue in that past relationship that I will probably never actually hear about.
I may never really know exactly what went wrong here, or why Mr. Fix-It was suddenly triggered into defense mode in terms of entering relationship territory.
Despite the fact that we were otherwise clearly heading in that direction, whether I had said anything or not.
That was where we were going.
What I do know is that things between us were great one minute, and the next he was stammering and stuttering as he broke up with me in bed.
All because I mentioned meeting my friends.
What I also know is that the last text message he sent me Sunday night only really served to piss me off. Telling me what a “rad” chick I am, and that he hopes I find someone who treats me right.
As if I didn’t already know how rad I was. As if I was sitting around thinking that he was my last chance at love.
(Courtesy of Google Images)
Generalized Douchebaggery. I have no patience for it.
So now, it’s time to move on to the next.
I’m aiming for one with a slightly higher douche trigger point this time.
Because while I know that douche-y-ness will always rear its ugly head from time to time, I want to know it’s not going to be triggered quite so out of the blue. I want to know that the trigger itself is a little more stable.
Generalized Douchebaggery.
Think about it.
It’s a real thing. I'm convinced.
