For the last few weeks actually.
Thoughts that are mostly directed towards adoption.
Towards attempting to wrap my head around adoption as my future.
Towards accepting that adoption is likely the only way I will ever become a mother.
I have to be honest; some of these thoughts do not paint me in the best light. There are fears and concerns and discomforts that I have, that I'm not sure are normal. And I can tell you that a post is likely coming that will bring the majority of these thoughts out in the open soon.
Because I have to get it all out.
But it will probably make me look like a truly horrid person in the process.
I can’t help it though.
I wanted to carry a child.
I wanted to birth a child.
I wanted a child that was mine and mine alone from conception.
A child I could care for and nurture from the moment they were created.
I wanted a child that grew beneath my heart.
And in acknowledging that it will probably never happen that way, there have been some growing pains.
And some deep dark thoughts that I am not proud of.
I am angry that things have turned out the way they have.
It's an anger I'm not sure I will escape any time soon.
An anger which has tainted my ability to think clearly about the other options.
That’s not what I want to discuss today though. That post (possibly a series of posts) will come, in it’s own due time. When I find a way to form the words so that maybe they could make sense to someone else.
When I find a way to make them make sense to me.
But in any case, I’ve had adoption on the brain.
And then this morning, I happened upon this article.
An article which was written in response to this article.
Both detailing the argument between IVF and adoption.
For the record, I do not think this is something that should be argued at all.
Both are hugely personal decisions, and I don’t believe anyone can ever say for sure what they would do until they are faced with that choice.
I also don’t think that the best choice for me would necessarily be the best choice for anyone else.
There are just too many factors involved, and it’s not a decision where I think anyone has the right to judge the choice someone else makes.
But it was the argument for adoption over IVF that really struck a cord with me.
Not even because I personally chose IVF (although, I of course found myself agreeing more with the argument for IVF), but because the argument itself was just so…
Wrong.
The author (who admitted early into the article that she gave birth to two biological children) made the argument that there were already so many children in this world in need of love, and that the earth was already overpopulated, so therefore; adoption was clearly the better choice for women suffering from infertility.
Now, I do not disagree with those arguments for adoption as a whole.
They are actually valid points for why we should all consider adoption.
But I cannot even kind of get behind them as arguments for why those suffering from infertility should opt first to adopt, before even considering anything else.
In fact, the mere implications make me angry.
Especially when you add in that these are implications being made by a woman who conceived and birthed two children.
A woman who herself has not adopted.
This is the aspect of the argument that bothers me most.
The fundamental assertion that because I can’t conceive; it should be my job to carry the burden for those who can. It should become my duty to adopt those children in need and reduce the carbon footprint.
It kind of feels like someone pointing at me and saying "Beggars can't be choosers. Take what you can get."
As though it should now be my place to save the world through adoption, without fuss or argument, because I was rendered infertile.
And therefore; I should give up on any hopes and dreams of ever carrying a child.
(Courtesy of Google Images)
But for those who have no problems conceiving at all; the children in need of love in this world and the environmental factors involved shouldn’t be a concern.
Let them go ahead and continue to procreate.
Leave the adoption to the infertile girls.
I’m sorry, but this bothers me.
It bothers me that anyone would decide that it was selfish of me to pursue fertility treatments in the face of so many children in the world in need of love, but that it wasn’t equally selfish of a fertile woman to go about obtaining motherhood the old fashioned way.
I don’t want to be a martyr.
And I don’t want my quest for motherhood to become colored by greater social issues.
Because at the end of the day, my desire to be a mother has absolutely nothing to do with wanting to save the world.
It has to do with a hole in my heart that will not be filled until I have my child in my arms.
It is actually a wholly selfish quest in fact. Centered solely around the fact that I have always known I was meant to be a mother, and nothing else.
And let me make this one point very clear – whatever child comes into my life, whenever that may happen; they are going to be saving my life.
Not the other way around.
But to assume that because I can’t conceive on my own, I shouldn’t conceive at all?
I shouldn’t even try?
It should suddenly become my responsibility to take in the children of this world who have no where else to go?
No. I can’t get behind that. I can’t support it as even kind of OK.
Both adoption and IVF come complete with their own sets of complications and set backs.
Neither is an easy road to walk.
And both need to be entered into wisely. After much thought and deliberation.
After taking into account what each individual family can handle.
I have no doubt that adoption is in my future.
But the assumption that it should have been my first choice right out the gate?
That’s not something that sets well with me.
If it should have been the first choice for me, then it should be the first choice for every other woman out there who has ever dreamed of being a mother as well.
Since it’s not though, it’s a faulty argument to make.
Because it assumes that I don’t have the right to yearn for a child growing inside of me as much as a woman who can conceive with ease.
Beggars can’t be choosers.
But why was it wrong for me to want that child beneath my heart so desperately?
Why was it wrong to desire what seems to come so easily to everyone else?
Why did it suddenly become my responsibility to adopt, the moment I was told I would never conceive on my own?
Anyone who thinks that that news should suddenly have diminished my desire to carry a child, has obviously never been in my shoes.
They have never lived my life.
Or felt the deep pang of realization over what was lost.
I have no doubt that adoption is in my future.
But in the meantime, why was it so wrong to hope for pregnancy?
