What's Different?

The past few days, I’ve had a lot of people commenting on my mood. Telling me that I seem so different this round. So much more grounded.

I was talking to a good friend last night, and she said she could see it in every aspect of my life right now.

Even here, I’ve gotten comments about how much more calm I seem.

And the truth is – I am. I am more calm. I am more at peace with whatever happens. I am more level headed.

I just am.

And it’s a good thing. A good feeling. I am happy right now. Not anxious or worried or scared.

Just happy.

And sure that no matter what; everything is going to be OK.

I left for the clinic this morning an hour and a half earlier than I needed to. My plan was to get downtown and find a Trader Joes to pick up some groceries before my appointment. Had I not decided to get groceries instead of eating out the next few days though, I never would have left so early.

As soon as I hit the freeway, I realized traffic was bumper to bumper. A complete standstill.

It turned out that a car had gone over the railing. By the time I finally got past it, I only had half an hour to spare.

Half an hour that I spent lost downtown, because... I am horrible with directions.

I managed to pull into the clinic just on time.

If I hadn't randomly decided to leave so early though, that never would have happened.

No matter what; everything is going to be OK.

If you asked me what’s different exactly, I’m not sure I could tell you. I think part of it is probably the medication protocol. Yes, the butt shots blow (in a big bad painful way), but in reality the estrogen and progesterone necessary for a frozen cycle don’t even kind of compare to the onslaught of drugs necessary for a fresh cycle.

I dare someone to go through an egg retrieval and not be the slightest bit agitated! That stuff just makes you a little… crazy.

Not that I haven't had a few crazed moments this cycle, because I have, but... it's been different.

I've bounced back differently.

Even beyond that though, I think a lot of it almost has to do with that last failure.

I went into the last round thinking that if it didn’t work, I wouldn’t survive. I was so sure it would work, that the idea of failing terrified me.

I didn’t think I would make it through if that happened.

And as such; I didn’t allow myself to contemplate the possibility. I just knew, I either had to get pregnant or I would die.

But here I am. Still alive. Still surviving.

Still finding things in this life to smile about.

I didn’t think it would be possible when it happened. I can honestly say that nothing in my entire life has ever devastated me to that degree. And that's saying a lot.

But that failure … it felt like the death of someone dear to me. It felt like a loss I can’t even explain.

Because I was never even pregnant, so to try to compare it to a miscarriage almost seems wrong.

Except… that’s how it felt.

And I didn’t think I would ever recover.

One of the best things I did for myself was getting into therapy after that. There were days where I simply could not stop the tears. Days where I went through all the motions of life, but couldn’t tell you as I was going to bed who I had talked to or what I had done in the last 12 hours.

I was on auto pilot.

And therapy helped me find my way back. It helped me to remember who I am. The strength I pride myself on.

More than anything though, going into this round I truly believe that I have had God on my side. Pushing me forward and helping me to come to a place of peace; no matter what the outcome here is.

I truly believe that for the first time in my life; I have given it all to Him. I have thrown it in the air and acknowledged my inability to control the situation, and I have to say; I finally feel like I can breathe again.

I know that if these two ice babies of mine choose not to stick around, I am going to be devastated. I know it’s going to be extremely difficult for me to deal with, and that it will take time for me to heal.

I know this.

But I also know that I will heal. That no matter what, I will be alright.

And at some point, when I least expect it, there will be a twist in the road that gives me something I never could have planned or hoped for.

Something that will help me to understand why it is that all this had to happen.

Something that will make it all worthwhile.

And that is what’s different.

The knowledge that whatever is waiting for me at the end of this road;

It is going to be well worth the wait.