As in, I haven’t even begun to respond to the e-mails or comments that are exploding my inbox with this new twist in the story.
I plan on catching up tonight (promise!) but in the interim, I noticed a few differing opinions in my comments yesterday. I kind of wanted to address that situation now.
Just for the record; I will not under any circumstances be giving Mr. Fix-It my blog link in lieu of an actual conversation.
In fact, the idea of doing so sounds absolutely horrifying to me!
I’m already nervous because I know there are a lot of people up here who read the blog. People who heard about me and my story when the local news aired it on Mother’s Day. People who I may or may not even know about, following along.
People who could at least feasibly know him, while also already knowing a little (or a lot) about me.
And the idea that one of those people could clue him in before I get the chance to really scares me.
Which is one of the reasons I am also leaning towards telling him sooner than later. I would much rather him find out about the baby making plans from me, than from anyone else.
But as far as giving him the link to this blog? That would be a long time out as far as I’m concerned.
When I started writing here, my original intentions were to keep it completely anonymous. Initially, I didn’t even have any pictures of myself at all.
Obviously I loosened up on that stance as time went on and I found myself wanting to share more and more of my life, but one thing remained the same; I kept my first and last name completely out of this space and completely out of the stories that have come out about me since.
One of the reasons behind that is the fact that I do live alone (usually) and that if someone really wanted to, it would be simple enough for them to find me with just that first and last name. I know it may sound crazy, but things like that scare me. The idea of stalkers or home invasions or someone I don't even know finding out where I live, scares me.
There was another reason for the desire for privacy though. I wanted to know that if I met someone tomorrow (be it a romantic prospect or a job interview or just someone new off the street) that they wouldn’t be able to simply Google me and find my life story.
This blog is such a personal insight into my life. It is open and bold and raw. Some of my most intimate thoughts are continuously splayed out for all the world to see.
This blog is my diary. As public and accessible as it may be, it is still my diary.
(Courtesy of Google Images)
And usually, I am completely fine with that. In real life, just as in right here, I'm a pretty open book. I don’t feel like I have anything about my life that I need to hide of feel ashamed of. I think there is great freedom in the ability to lay it all out on the table and be true to yourself at all times.
As such, there are very few people in my real life who have no clue whatsoever about the blog. The ex and his entire family know the link. People at my work were clued in months ago. And my dad and family have been reading along since the beginning, even knowing that I sometimes touch on personal and difficult family issues.
The people in my life have an understanding for my need for openness. They respect it.
But what girl do you know who would want a guy she has just started dating reading her diary?
Never in a million years would I want someone new in my life to get to know me through my blog. Never would I ever want for them to be bombarded with this intense and overwhelming view of my life and who I am. What would be the fun in that? Isn’t part of the excitement of dating getting to know someone slowly? Getting to learn all the intimate pieces of them with time? Having the chance to discover their intricacies on your own?
The idea of him finding this blog actually makes me far more nervous than the idea of him finding out about the baby making ever would.
Now of course, if things progressed and we wound up at a place where we were serious, I would eventually reveal to him this secret space of mine.
Then I would run and hide and hope he had no qualms with me being so on display with the details of my life on the internet!
Until that point though? I would never want him to know about this space. I can’t even begin to imagine how stumbling upon it would accomplish anything beyond scaring the bejeezus out of him!
I am however leaning more towards the idea of telling him sooner than later. I understand the concept of waiting, but… That’s just not me. It’s not who I am.
I feel like I’m lying to him, and I am not a liar.
It was great to have one incredible night where IVF was not a topic of conversation. Great to get to know someone, without them knowing my secret.
But… it’s not reality. This is a huge aspect of my life. It is big. And if I want to get to know this guy and let him get to know me; he needs to know what he’s in for.
At this point, I'm going to play it by ear. I have no real set plans. I’m hoping we’ll see each other before I leave for Seattle, and if it feels like the opportunity presents itself then, I’m going to try to lay it all on the line. But in a way that makes it clear that none of this is his responsibility or problem. That this is my journey, and I’ve got this no matter which way the cookie crumbles.
In such a way that lets him know that right now, in this moment, I need nothing from him beyond an acceptance that I am a girl doing what she’s got to do. A girl who took life into her own hands, because she felt so strongly that that was the only choice she had.
And if the chance to talk about it face to face doesn’t come up but things still seem like they’re going in the right direction, I’m going to e-mail him while I’m in Seattle. I’m almost kind of hoping for that option, solely because I think it’s clear I express myself so much better in writing then I ever could face to face.
Plus, that would give him a few days to process without me around.
And the chance to tell him, without having to see the look on his face.
I honestly still don’t understand how it's even possible he could be so clueless. Between that calendar on the refrigerator, and the needles and drugs in the kitchen and my room (where he spent time by himself as I took a shower) there is this part of me that's starting to wonder if maybe (just maybe) he knows more than he's letting on?
Or at least suspects?
And let's not forget, it was actually one of his co-workers who I announced my baby making plans to when the mold was threatening to push me over the edge.
So even if he doesn't know, it is ridiculously possibly that he could wind up talking about me at work and simply find out.
And that would not be good.
But either way, I’m not really stressing about it right now. I feel like I should be. Like I should be more worried or upset or… something. But I’m not. I’m just happy right now. Happy for the distraction and happy that here I am, just days before transfer, giddy and excited as opposed to stressed and afraid.
I am a complete 180 from where I was at this same time in July.
And that alone is a miracle.
I am calm, and rational, and happy.
I am hopeful that this boy is going to turn into more. That he could end up turning into everything. But even if he doesn’t; even if he runs;
I am going to be just fine.
Regardless of how he handles the news, or whether we are even anything at all to each other in a week’s time; he has served a purpose.
He has distracted me from the true intensity of this cycle to come. He has taken my mind off of the possibility of twins or financial hardships or failure.
He has even distracted me from the pain.
He has reminded me above and beyond all else that I should be dating. That I do deserve to find someone special.
He has served a purpose beyond anything I could have even hoped for.
And for that; I am insanely grateful.
However anything else turns out from here on out doesn’t even really matter.
A happy ending would just be icing on the cake at this point.
