(Just an FYI - We are still a work in progress here at Single Infertile Female. A beautiful and complete new layout is coming though - I promise!)
Last Sunday, after writing a post all about how faithful God is, I received an e-mail.
This e-mail was from a fellow endo sufferer. Someone who has been through far more on this infertility journey than I have. Someone who, after all her struggles, had lost all faith in God. Someone who wanted to know how I could possibly maintain that faith after being played some of the cards I had been dealt.
Someone who was looking for answers.
I have never considered myself to be a person who is great at talking about faith. I think I tend to be close-lipped about it in many aspects of my life, mostly because I too have encountered those religious zealots who cram their faith down people’s throats in a way that is both judgmental and forceful. It turns people off. It turns them away.
Once upon a time, it was the exact thing that turned me away.
And in an effort to never be like one of those people, I tend to strive not to step on any toes in terms of faith. I work hard not to ever make anyone feel like I think any less of them based on what they may or may not believe.
I am the first to admit that my faith is a personal thing to me, and I can respect it being the same for those around me.
So in answering her e-mail, I am sure I stumbled over my words a bit. Struggling to maintain what I believe, without coming off as a know-it-all.
Because I am far from knowing-it-all.
In the midst of today’s infertile breakdown however, I went back and re-read my message to her. Re-read the words that I myself had written.
Re-read the faith I had been so strong in just a week ago, but was faltering so greatly in today.
Because of one challenge that I tried to take upon myself rather than giving it to Him.
And it was from that reminder that I decided to reprint those words here.
Mostly as a wake-up call to myself of what it is that I believe.
Even on the days when I have a difficult time remembering.
So here it is (with a few edits, because let’s face it – I write e-mails quickly and without much thought, but I do not write my blog in the same way!) My interpretation of what I believe, and what God wants us to do with our struggles.
Next time I start to have an infertile breakdown, will someone please refer me back here?!?
What I Believe:
I guess I'll start with the fact that I truly think that in order to believe in God, you have to also believe in Satan.
i.e. if you believe there is good, you also have to believe there is evil.
Satan wasn't really an entity I thought about much until the last year. I mean, I grew up in the church but... Satan isn't really touched on in Sunday school.
I still remember having a preschool substitute teacher point to a date on the calendar and tell us that was when Satan would be coming to get us though. I went home in a panic, and begged my parents to keep all the lights on that night.
It was my first run-in with the concept of Satan, and I was terrified.
My parents wound up (understandably) calling the school irate, and that teacher never returned, but… I was left with this overwhelming fear. And the only way I could combat that fear was to convince myself it wasn’t real.
That's when I decided I didn't believe in Satan. It was just too scary to think about, so I didn't.
In the last year however, as I have grown in my faith, I have revisited the concept of Satan. I have thought about him a great deal in fact, and realized that he is an impossible side of the coin to ignore. If there is good, there must be evil. If there is God, there must be Satan.
And in that same breath, God grants us free will.
I do not believe that God is typically behind the bad things that happen to us. I honestly (really and truly) believe those things are a combination of Satan and free will. For instance, if you want to look at my endometriosis; I would say endo (and most debilitating diseases) are the work of Satan. So the disease itself is part of his grand plan. From there, you have free will. The free will of my mother not to share with me that I could possibly have this hereditary condition. The free will of myself to donate my eggs, which in turn just made everything worse. And my own free will now, to choose the plan I’m willing to live with in combating this challenge.
People always say that they don't understand how God "lets" bad things happen to people. That they can't comprehend how he sits by and watches these awful things happen at all. But I don't think it works like that. God never promised to step in and change the course of our lives. He never said that life here on earth would be easy. There was no promise of clear roads ahead. I truly believe that He is here, watching over us and guiding us, but that He can't just step in and save us. Or rather, I believe he CAN step in and save us - but not without taking away free will, which isn't something He is willing to do.
So in reality, it comes down to us to face these challenges and determine how we are going to handle them. Whether we want to face them with God by our sides, or with our backs to him.
For me, facing them head on with Him by my side has always been the easier answer.
And while I do not believe that God creates these bad events in our lives, I do believe that He can build upon them. I believe He can turn them around into blessings if we let him. Because God doesn't WANT us to suffer. He doesn't WANT us to feel alone. And so when we give our challenges over to him and declare that we honestly need His help, He will step in. He will guide us. He will try to point us to the path that will lead to the best possible outcome.
And if we are willing to listen, good can come out of bad.
But it still all comes down to free will. It always comes down to free will. God can point us in the right direction, but it is still our choice which path to follow. And sometimes, taking the other road won't even really lead to anything bad. Because God isn't in the business of punishing us. You may choose the other route and come out the other end perfectly happy. The only difference is, it's not the life God had planned for you. So even if it isn't awful, it doesn't begin to compare to what you could have had if you had taken the other road.
I hope that all makes sense, and doesn't come off too preachy? I'm honestly not super great at explaining my faith, but I do know for a fact that it has helped me to get through. And that some days I really and truly feel God guiding me. Pulling me. Helping me to get to the other side. I think He is out there to offer that to all of us, but it can't be under the guise that He will make everything flawless, because he won't. He's more like the perfect parent. There to guide you and teach you and always give the most wonderful advice, but never intending to force you to do anything you don't want to do. He gives you the rope to choose your own path, and then it's kind of up to you what you do with that.
You can either give it all to Him and follow His lead, or you can forge your own way and hope for the best.
None of it is ever easy, but I do truly believe it can be easier with God by your side.
And as for that friend of mine who was asking these questions?
She wound up praying that night for what she said was the first time in a long time.
And He did answer, with a miracle she was only able to attribute to giving it all to Him.
God is out there. He is listening. He is guiding. And He is waiting.
For us to give all our burdens to Him and enjoy the spendors. He really does have wonderful things planned for us in this life.
And beyond.
If we are only willing to let him guide us.
ADSPACE
