I am old.
And every day, I am getting older.
No, I’m not yet 30. I haven’t neared 40, and 50 is still a long ways off.
But I’m still aging. And poorly at that!
As a good friend said to me this afternoon (after I revealed to him my sad news) “Man. You just keep getting less and less sexy. I’m pretty sure no one's ever going to want to marry you at this point.”
I really go out of my way to surround myself with truly supportive male friends.
So, what was this sad news? The information that made me face my own mortality? The revelation that had me sitting in front of the mirror checking for wrinkles and stray hairs?
It turns out, I need a crown.
And no, I haven't been nominated Prom Queen.
I thought I had a cavity. It's been bugging me for a few weeks, and while I normally would have just waited it out until my next appointment - I kind of figured I should be proactive here with an impending pregnancy and all.
After all, I was pretty sure I wouldn't want to be getting cavities filled (and anesthesia injected) while little ones were growing in my belly.
It turns out, it wasn't a cavity though. No, instead it was something much more grievous.
There's a crack in one of my molars.
A cracked tooth! When did this happen?!? When did I become the girl who has teeth just breaking in her mouth?!?
In case you can’t tell, I’m a little upset about this whole situation.
Have you ever seen "Dumb and Dumber"? You know the part where Lloyd proclaims “We got no food! We got no jobs! Our PETS HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!”
Yeah, I was sitting in that chair today thinking to myself “I’ve got no man! I’ve got no babies! My TEETH ARE FALLING OUT!”
You have to understand, I am a girl who prides herself on her smile:
My favorite compliments to get are always on those perfect teeth. After 4 years in braces (I sucked my thumb until I was 7 - tell me that's not a girl with issues!) I feel like I earned those teeth! And now, they're just falling apart? Cracking right in my mouth?!?
I am not a happy camper right now.
Especially when it was explained to me that after insurance, my portion of this will still be $850.
That’s right ladies and gentlemen. Eight HUNDRED and fifty dollars.
And you want to know why? How this happened?
Well, do you remember the whole grinding situation from few months back?
It would appear as though I have been grinding and clenching so bad in my sleep that I literally obliterated my own molar.
So now not only am I old, childless, loveless, and broke; I’m also the neurotic woman who stresses herself out to the point of cracking teeth.
If I had to guess, I would wager that Lupron could have had something to do with it as well. After all, one of the biggest long term side effects of Lupron is bone density loss. It makes sense that your teeth could also be affected by that.
Well done infertility. You win this round. It turns out, you've managed to muck up even my teeth.
Adding to the stress is the fact that dental work really shouldn't be done during the first trimester of pregnancy, and honestly – I’m not sure it’s something I want to risk at all should I manage to pull off a bit of luck next week.
Unfortunately, the dentist’s office is currently all booked up.
I did call after I left, and I begged and pleaded and bargained in an attempt to be squeezed in before I leave for Seattle. They are genuinely going to try, but… At this point my crown appointment (or as I like to call it - my old lady induction) is scheduled for a few weeks from now.
Leaving me with a catch 22 really. Either I get pregnant (but then know I’m going to be chewing only on the right side of my mouth for the next 9 months) or my tooth can get fixed (but I’ll be the old woman sitting in the chair getting her crown put on as she silently sobs about being elderly, childless, and alone).
Those are my choices.
Think I’m being melodramatic?
Well - I think you should know I started looking at cats on Craigslist tonight.
And I don't even like cats.
But I figure if you’ve got to be old and alone, you probably need at least a few of the furry little rats.
Can't really become a crazy cat lady without them.
