Sometimes life just kicks you down so hard that you don’t even know which end is up anymore.
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Right now, I feel like I'm struggling through quicksand. Have you ever seen those reality TV shows where they put the contestants in a pool of something gross and sticky and they have to maneuver their ways to the other side?
Well, that’s how I feel right now. Only, there is no end in sight. And as far as I can tell, I’m pretty sure I won’t be winning some big cash prize when I finish.
Sometimes, life is just a bitch.
And this is all kind of part of that.
The first night Mr. Fix-It and I hung out, we wound up talking about addictions. We had been discussing my degree in psychology, and the reason why I would never want to get my masters up here. It’s because the program in Alaska is pretty heavily centered around becoming an addiction specialist, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would never want to be an addiction specialist.
It’s not that I lack compassion or empathy, it’s that I lack patience. I have known many addicts in my life, and they all seem to have one thing in common:
Sad, sad stories to tell and a million excuses for why they can’t give up whatever it is they can't seem to give up.
And I struggle. I struggle with patience. I struggle with the urge to shake them and tell them to pull it together.
As I was telling Mr. Fix-It that night; sometimes life just sucks for all of us. We don’t get a choice in the hands we are dealt, but we do get to choose how we play them.
It’s become kind of a running joke between us, the fact that sometimes like just sucks.
But it’s true. It’s true for each and every one of us. And while I know that I am struggling now, and that the next few weeks, months, and even years may continue to be a struggle; I also know that I am not unique in my struggles.
That I am not alone.
And that I am not the only person who has ever been in this place of grief.
I didn’t get to choose the hand I was dealt, but I will be damned if I don’t exercise my right to choose how I play those cards.
And that’s kind of where I’m at right now. Trying to figure out how I’m going to play this hand of mine. How I’m going to come out of all of this as best as I possibly can.
I refuse to use my life or circumstances as an excuse to give up. I refuse to use my empty womb as a valid reason for crawling under my covers and never striving for anything else ever again.
I refuse to be that woman.
I don’t know what comes next. I’m not sure I’m going to figure it out today, or even next week.
But I know I have people behind me. Supporting me. Loving me.
And putting together a plate of all kinds of soft cheese and wine for me to consume tonight as we speak.
Because I have amazing friends who are already intent on reminding me that there is life beyond this. That I will get through this, and they will be there to help me.
Friends who won't care so much when I show up tonight with no bra on and having not showered in 24+ hours.
Friends who get me.
And by golly, friends who understand that if I can’t have a baby I am at least going to spend an evening over-consuming the wine and soft cheeses I would have been giving up for the next 9 months otherwise!
I feel like there are going to be a lot of back and forth’s over the next few weeks. A lot of ups and downs.
I’m still waiting for the rage that has yet to come. The one where I tear through this house and throw away all the reminders of the baby that will not be.
As it stands, my meds are still all on my counter. The picture of the twins is still attached to my freezer. I can’t bring myself to throw any of it away. To touch it at all.
But I know that moment will come. That moment when I’m tired of looking at it. When the tears and anger take over and I just decide I’m done being strong.
I haven’t hit that point yet though. I don’t know if I’m in shock, or if I honestly just did such a good job preparing myself this time that the moment will never hit.
I’m guessing it’s more shock, and that the break is still coming.
But I’ll get through it. I will survive this, just as I have survived everything else in my life. One day I will look back and know that this was the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced, but that it served a purpose. That it led me to wherever it is I’m going next.
Right now though, I’m just trying to pull myself out of the quicksand.
Unable to escape the fact that sometimes, life is just a bitch.
