(Courtesy of Google Images)
There is nothing I hate quite as much as slipping and sliding all over the road.
You would think with this being my 3rd winter and all, I would be used to it by now. But I am not. I do not think I will ever be used to it.
It is easily my least favorite part of living in Alaska.
There is just something truly anxiety inducing about turning your wheel one direction only to feel a pull in the other. Or tapping your breaks, only to realize that you couldn’t stop right now if your life depended on it.
It makes me super uneasy to feel so unsteady.
And I have to say; my life right now feels very much so like it is matching those roads.
I am at a moment in time when everything is up in the air. When my life could go so many different directions so fast. Some good. Some bad.
Some forever altering.
Wednesday, I will leave for Seattle. Thursday I will have my transfer. Since these are day 6 embryos that are going in, it is at least feasible that I could know whether or not this transfer worked by this time next week.
It may very well take a few days more than that, but the fact remains:
Sometime next week I will either find out that I’m pregnant.
Or that I never will be.
And nothing I do at this point can have any effect at all on what that outcome will be.
I’m simply sliding on the road, waiting to see where it is exactly that I’m going to end up stopping.
Then you have Mr. Fix-It. A guy who I didn’t even know at this point last week, but who I haven’t been able to stop thinking about since I met him.
I have butterflies. I am giddy. I am smitten. I am twitterpated.
Pick your romantic term; I’m it.
I’m also standing on the edge of a cliff regarding him though. Wondering how things are going to turn out when he has a full understanding of the magnitude of my situation right now.
Curious just how much it would take to make him bolt.
Not sure if he could possibly like me enough (so early into knowing me) to stick this next bit out and see where we end up landing.
Together.
Because in this aspect as well, I am slipping and sliding. With no clue whatsoever how things are going to turn out.
And very little I can do to control the situation.
There are other things as well. Things I probably shouldn’t talk about here (as they pertain to my job, and – we all know what happened to Dooce!) But needless to say, things are up in the air. Big changes currently in the works that may or may not effect my current employment.
Life, in general, feels like its a bit on hold. As I slip and slide on the ice, waiting only to come to a stop so that I can assess the damage.
Or lack thereof.
And as anxious and on edge as all of this should make me, I honestly feel a bit at peace.
Calm even.
Determined to face whatever life hands me head on. With no regrets, and no looking back.
There is almost something exhilarating about slipping and sliding. Something exciting about having no idea at all what the next week could hold for you.
Or next month
Or next year.
There is no amount of planning I can do right now, because I haven’t a clue what tomorrow may bring for me to plan around.
And maybe there is something freeing about that.
About letting go of the wheel and allowing yourself to come to a stop wherever that car takes you.
In a completely theoretical sense of course.
Because I can guarantee that as I maneuver the roads of Anchorage over the next few days, I will definitely still be white knuckling it. Holding on for dear life and hoping that my car will just listen to what I’m telling it to do and do it. Praying that I don’t end up somewhere in a ditch, or rammed up into someone else’s fender.
I will not be letting go of the wheel in the middle of all this snow, that much is for sure!
But as far as the other aspects of my life right now? The ones that currently have me slipping and sliding around on the ice, completely unsure of where I’ll land?
I think I’m finally ready to let go.
To stop struggling.
To see where all these pieces take me.
And to pray that I don’t get too banged up in the process.
