My love life, and my fear of dating.
In fact, an entire therapy session with Dr. Headshrink was spent yesterday discussing my dating issues.
That’s right. The therapy I began in order to deal with my frustration and grief over endometriosis and infertility, turned into an hour long reflection about what exactly is wrong with me in terms of my inability to commit.
What did we learn?
The fact that I have never really in my life been shown an example of a good marriage that I would actually want for myself, and as such; I go into new relationships looking for what will break them right out the gate.
Because if I can cut the issue off at the pass, I won’t end up hurt or in a miserable marriage in the end.
The problem? It’s possible I may be a little too nit-picky. It’s possible that in my fear of ending up stuck in a marriage that sucks, I avoid even exploring relationships that could be good.
So yeah, for the last 24 hours this has been on my mind a lot. I’ve been thinking about my need to give a little, if I ever really want a happily ever after.
And then this morning, I opened my door and standing there was an absolutely gorgeous man.
You see, I got a call yesterday that my countertops were in.
And this guy (this beautiful specimen standing on my doorstep) was there to do the installation.
Which is mildly amusing, considering every other contractor who has ever walked through that door since I bought this place a year and a half ago has been… not attractive.
A tidbit which should explain why I felt no need to tidy up ahead of time.
I hadn't cleaned my countertops in weeks, because I knew they were being taken out. My heating pad was sprawled on my bedroom floor alongside a pile of US Magazines that I've never read (I randomly started getting them in the mail a few weeks ago, even though I never ordered them).
Best of all? My IVF calendar was still prominently displayed on the refrigerator at eye level. Thoughtfully accentuated with this:
There was nothing I could do about it at that point though. He was in my kitchen, and it was there, and… Oh heck, he was too hot for me to be worried about much of anything else!
For those who are wondering how it is that I've run into so many good looking men recently, I think you should know; this is Alaska. I’m pretty sure our number one commodity is hot men.
Hot men, oil, and superior fishing. That’s pretty much what we do.
So anyway, Mr. Fix-It had me totally flustered. Like, I couldn’t breathe right kind of flustered.
And of course, I had to leave. I had an appointment with Teeny and had known all along I would leave after getting the guys settled.
But now? Now I didn’t want to go anywhere!
It was almost ridiculous though, because what was I going to do about this anyway? It’s not like I’m bold in any way shape or form when it comes to picking up on men. I wasn’t going to ask this guy out. So why the desire not to leave?
I went to acupuncture and tried to relax. Tried to get my heart to stop pumping so hard.
And Teeny? Well, Teeny randomly started talking about some research she’s been doing on blood disorders and the people who have them. The fact that there is some link showing that many of these people have a hard time opening their hearts. People who will give a little, and let others in a bit, but can never really make that next leap. To true love. Real emotion. Forever bonds.
People like me.
I know, I know – Hocus Pocus.
Except, it kind of applies.
And we all know I'm fascinated by everything Teeny teaches me.
Plus seriously, with Mr. Fix-it back at my house; the timing of this information was pretty incredible.
So, I went back to the house after my appointment. Convinced that I was going to hit on this man.
Unsure of what that would look like mind you, but still convinced I was going to try!
I got back to the house though, and I found those two guys repairing mistakes left over by the flooring contractor.
Mistakes that were totally not their responsibility, and that I had planned on fixing myself this weekend.
My heart just melted. Both because they were doing the repairs better than anything I could have done, and because they didn’t have to be doing them at all.
So at that point, I blurted out “I’m gonna owe you a drink after this” to the older contractor who was putting on the finishing touches.
And from behind me, Mr. Fix-It proclaimed “That sounds great!”
“Holy crap!” I thought. “Did I just ask him out?!?”
I couldn’t tell. I didn’t even know what had happened. So, I ran to my room to contemplate.
And to post a conversation on the community for my 2000 closest internet friends to weigh in on.
Unsure of what my next move should be, it was Sparkle who gave me the best advice.
You see, I really did need to head back to work. I really couldn’t hang out there all day staring at him.
No matter how much I wanted to.
So it made perfect sense for me to write my number down before leaving.
I waited until the older guy headed out to the truck for something, and then I brought Mr. Fix-It my number. I told him it had been great meeting him, and if anything came up at all to just give me a call.
Then I smiled, and ran away.
Trying with everything inside of me to catch my breath because… I just gave a boy my number!!
I ran into the older contractor outside, and relayed to him the same message. But then suddenly, something took over. A voice in my head reminding me to give a little if I want to get a little, and so I said:
“And if your friend is single, let him know he can call me anytime he wants… Just throwing that out there!”
Yes. I said that. I did that. ME! The girl who has never boldly picked up on a man in her life. The girl who typically demands they come to her!
I totally made the first move!
And the old guy just looked at me, smiled and said “I’ll make sure to tell him that…”
I must have shrieked for about 15 minutes in my car before actually making it to work.
Where I sat staring at my computer screen and fidgeting uncontrollably for the next 3 hours.
Until… My phone rang.
A number I did not recognize.
Mr. Fix-It.
I almost threw up. I almost didn't answer. I almost had a complete and total panic attack.
And then; I picked up. We talked for a few minutes. He let me know that they were done and that everything was looking great (I promise a post first thing tomorrow morning dedicated to my new and improved kitchen!)
Finally, he said “And we would love to take you up on that drink if you were serious?”
To which I emphatically replied “Yes!” and we made plans for tomorrow night.
Plans he's going to call me tomorrow to finalize.
Now, I do want to point out that he explicitly said “we”. As in, both he and his partner. I already called Loo, and she is totally up for being my wingman should this turn out to be a group thing. She is also armed and ready to bow out if it becomes more of a one on one session.
Loo is fabulous like that!
But seriously – it worked! It really worked! I was bold, and now I have a date with Mr. Fix-It!
OK, so a quasi date, that could possibly be just him looking for free drinks, but…
I don’t think that’s the case.
The only real problem? Besides the fact that I’m not drinking, which could make going out for drinks a little awkward?
That calendar. That calendar prominently displayed in my kitchen that I don’t think he could possibly have missed.
The one that says things like this all over it:
That's just a small sample. The other side has my name on it (making it clear this protocol is mine, and not the roommates) and states things about vaginal suppositories and menses.
Yeah. That's not humiliating at all.
I honestly don't know how he could have missed it though. I mean, all the work they were doing was in the kitchen, and this is pretty gosh darn obvious.
Does he have any idea what I’m about to do? Does he care?
And should I be upfront if it (or the reason behind my not drinking) comes up?
How do I play this here? I’m honestly at a loss! It’s been 2 years since I’ve been on a date with a guy I was actually excited about. And I certainly wasn’t a week out from trying to get pregnant at that point.
So, what’s the plan?
And even more importantly; what should I wear?!?
