And really, I’m not.
But only because I don’t have any.
I feel completely normal. Totally 100% like myself.
Yes, my boobs are sore – but my boobs have already been sore for the last however many weeks thanks to those estrogen patches.
I don’t even own a bra that can contain them anymore.
Beyond that though? I feel like myself. Like my non-pregnant self.
I don’t FEEL pregnant.
Some of you are probably thinking “It’s still early! Don’t be so silly!” but… implantation should have occurred in the last few days (because let's remember - these embryos were 6 days old and hatching blastocysts already) and women feel implantation. They feel it all the time. I even have a friend who told me she was pregnant the day of conception. I thought she was crazy.
Until two weeks later – she showed me those two lines.
Women know these things. The acupuncturist in Seattle told me that she could tell I would be one of those women who “just knew”.
And I have to tell you – I know nothing. Right now, all I know is that I’m home from Seattle and I have laundry to do and a shower to take. Maybe some dinner to make a little later. And a stack of mail to open.
But everything else? Totally normal.
I don’t mean for this to be a Debbie Downer post, and it really isn’t. I really am fine. We’ll see how I feel in a week when (and if) my suspicions are confirmed, but right now; I’m fine.
It’s just – I don’t FEEL pregnant.
Maybe it’s my brain protecting me. Not allowing me to fall into the same traps I did last time. Keeping me from getting hurt so badly again.
But right now – I feel nothing.
And before anyone tells me to be positive, I want to remind you that I was shooting rainbows out of my butt last round and that didn’t work. Being positive doesn’t make you pregnant.
But being realistic might just save me a little bit of heartache.
Meaning; I'm going to be content with realism for now.
So, while I still hope and pray and yearn for that baby inside of me; I am currently preparing myself for the worst.
Because I definitely haven’t felt implantation or anything of the sort. My appetite is still normal, and so is my energy level. I honestly have to keep reminding myself that anything could be different at all – because I keep forgetting about this uterus of mine and all its possibilities.
I feel like if I were pregnant I would know, and even though last time I knew and was wrong; I still feel like this time should be different. Like I should feel something.
And I don’t feel anything. At all.
Now, the only reason I’m telling any of you this is because I am still going to start testing tomorrow morning, and I just don’t want anyone getting their hopes up too high. Right now, I don’t feel like there will be a second line.
Right now, I’m not sure there will ever be a second line.
(Taken while lying with my feet in the stirrups in the procedure
room - so please ignore the lighting!)
I've been wearing my baby dust bracelet non-stop and hoping I’m wrong, but I’ve just got to tell you;
I don’t FEEL pregnant.
