Shopping with my sister in law (a little retail therapy at the stores which unfortunately still haven’t found their way to Alaska yet).
(Courtesy of Google Images)
Time with my grandparents (because my poor grandmother is probably going to have a meltdown if I am here for 24 hours without seeing her).
And dinner with The Devirginator and his new girlfriend (yes new girlfriend – new girlfriend who I must give myself a pat on the back for, because I was totally his love guru when he thought he had blown it with her!) and some old friends from high school.
Instead, I’m having a hard time getting out of bed right now.
Still in a very real amount of pain, and having basically hemorrhaged throughout the night.
Yes, my first morning in my dad's house - I had to do a load of bloody laundry.
Lovely.
It’s days like today when I lose my resolve. Days when I really just want to call up the doctor and say “Take it all out! I’m done! It isn’t worth the fight anymore – endometriosis wins.”
Because this isn’t normal.
And I am not good at being weak.
But then I remember that the only thing that would hurt more than another failed cycle would be knowing. Knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is no hope. That everything is gone, and I will absolutely never carry a child.
Because it’s one thing to say I’ve come to terms with that reality, and another thing entirely to be faced with the sheer impossibility of such a miracle.
And so, I’ll keep fighting endometriosis. Because I don’t really know what else to do right now.
Because I don’t really feel like I have any other choice.
But I’ll tell you what – the timing of this disease is about to piss me off.
Didn’t my endo know I had big plans for today? Didn’t it know that I was on vacation? That there were people to see and things to do?
Right now I am draped across my heating pad and popping prescription strength ibuprofen – hoping that will at least get me to a place of functionality without needing to go on to anything stronger.
Because as much as I prefer the good drugs – they certainly don’t do much in the way of making me more sociable. So I’m trying to reserve those for the evenings right now – when it would be reasonable enough to assume I had simply downed a few glasses of wine, rather than a few pain killers (which make me equally as loopy as wine any day).
I had big plans for today.
But I may end up spending it on the couch with my family instead.
And the heating pad.
And the good drugs.
Big plans I tell ya.
Big plans.
