That’s what I woke up to this morning.
Or rather, that’s what I woke up to the radio reporting this morning.
Which is why it’s almost humorous that just a few steps out of my front door, I managed to slip and fly.
Yes fly.
You would think I would have been more careful. You would think I would have watched my step.
After all, I had been warned.
But no. I couldn’t be bothered. Couldn’t be forced to focus on the world outside me. I was having a diva moment, and it landed me square on my butt.
And now, here I am, lying in bed. Sent home from work early because the roads are so hazardous (and that is no small feat in Alaska - we don’t just shut things down for any reason!)
I should be packing. I’m leaving for Arizona tonight (assuming the weather doesn’t end up getting worse), but all I want to do is nap.
Because it turns out, I’m a diva.
A diva who has determined she needs middle of the day naps to survive.
(Courtesy of Google Images)
Well, the other night in a less than sober moment, I may have sent him a grocery list.
A perfectly diva grocery list, complete with brown, cage free, organic eggs and thinly sliced Boars head provolone cheese.
I got up and looked at this list the next morning and just about died.
Because seriously – when did I become such a diva?
I’ve determined that the last few days have hurtled me into a world all my own. I have very little patience for people right now. Very little interest in doing anything for anyone but myself.
And the truth is – it does make me feel crappy. I’m not the kind of person who behaves this way. Who thinks this way. Who feels this way.
I am usually the giver in each and every one of my relationships. But right now, I don’t want to give.
Right now, I don’t even have anything left to give.
I clearly can’t even be bothered to pay attention to how slippery the ground beneath me is. Preferring to fly into the air and land on my butt over exerting one ounce of awareness for the outside world.
Being a diva does not suit me. I am hoping it passes soon. Hoping for the day when I stop requiring so much of myself that I have no energy left for the needs of anyone else.
But for now, I am a diva.
A diva about to take a nap.
And then a diva who needs to pack for a flight out this evening (which still doesn’t seem like the best idea.)
Because the truth is, no one should really be subjected to me for long periods of time right now.
Least of all, my kind hearted father who has probably already run out and purchased everything on that diva shopping list of mine.
I asked a friend today when I would stop feeling like this. When I would stop feeling so cold to the rest of the world. So incapable of caring what anyone else needs or feels.
When it is that I will finally get over this. Because it feels like I've been grieving for years, even though I suppose it’s only been days.
It feels like it should be over by now though.
She quoted Sleepless in Seattle to me.
Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out...
So that’s what this diva’s going to do. I’m going to get out of bed every morning, and breathe in and out, until the day comes when I don’t have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out.
And when that day comes, I’m going to formulate a plan. A new plan. A different plan.
A plan fit for someone a little less diva-esque.
Because I am a girl in need of a plan. For this month. For this year. For this life.
But right now, I just don’t feel like working on a plan. Right now, I just don’t feel like I have enough to give.
To a plan, or to anyone around me.
Because it turns out, I’m a diva.
But I won’t always be.
This won’t last forever.
And one day (hopefully one day soon) I won’t need the reminder to breathe.
Or the reminder to pay attention when I’m walking on ice.
