There is an amusing conversation going on over at the community right now regarding Church Boy and the fact that according to Murphy's Law, he will approach me today since I am now currently totally smitten with Mr. Fix-It.
Unfortunately, I'm not going to be able to put that theory to the test.
I have to admit that since reading that warning last night, I have been a bit of a train wreck of nerves. There are these questions going through my head right now regarding how far I really am willing to go to have a child. Poor effects to me and my health are one thing, but increased risks of issues for my children? My mama guilt is in full effect right now, and I'm having a hard time dealing with that. Knowing I want to be a mother more than anything in this world, but wondering; at what cost?
Obviously I am still going through with this cycle. I've already come this far, and I'm not going to back down now. Those two ice babies of mine deserve a chance at life, and this is the only way I can give it to them. I really have no other choice. The only way to sustain a frozen embryo transfer is with progesterone. So I will do what I need to do.
But still, my head is running a million miles a minute and... I'm questioning every decision I've made in the last year right now.
I woke up this morning with the intentions of going to church. I got up, I showered, I ate, I put on makeup and got dressed, and then... it hit me.
Anxiety and stress and concern over the million and one things I have to do before I leave on Wednesday.
As any good Christian will tell you, the best place to possibly go in the middle of that kind of stress is church.
Unfortunately; sometimes I falter at being a good Christian. And the idea of being packed into that room with hundreds of people as I try to let the message drown out the anxiety that is currently flooding my head; it's suffocating.
So instead, I'm going to hang around the house today. I'm going to attempt to get things done and ease some of this stress over "everything I need to do". I'll read a few bible passages and hope to soothe my spirit that way. I will probably even play today's sermon on the telecast. But... there will be no Church Boy updates.
Which is fine with me really. I'm not even sure I could give Church Boy the time of day at this point. I would probably wind up being extremely rude even if he did approach me.
I never have been a girl who could juggle more than one boy at once. Not even with simple crushes.
In the meantime though, I need you to bear with me here.
One of the things on my list of things to do has been a blog re-design. I've been working with Barbara Dilisio on my new design, and she finished it up today leaving me totally anxious to get everything in place now. Because we all know how I feel about leaving projects unfinished! For the record - I honestly cannot say enough nice things about Barbara. She has been incredible to work with, and has managed to capture my vision in a way I can't even explain! Plus, she is running some amazing specials this month - making her that much cooler in my mind!
So, for the next few hours have some patience with me and the blog. In my anal retentive state, I said thank you for the design, but then requested the chance to implement it myself so that I could organize all the other aspects the way I wanted. Meaning.... this could be interesting.
And yes, I recognize that I skipped church to work on my blog. For the record, I also have to start packing, clean around the house, do the laundry, and start re-organizing now that new roomie is officially off on her own and I can spread out in my space again.
Also in my defense; I'm not sure anyone would want me there in the train wreck state I'm currently in. At least now, I have a project.
A project that will hopefully keep me fully distracted until I get over this fear of destroying my as of yet unborn children's lives.
Any help with that one, would be fully appreciated.
ADSPACE
