I just couldn’t.
I figured I’d know soon enough anyway, and at this point; why torture myself more than necessary?
At least this way, I can go into that blood test with an iota of hope that maybe something changed between yesterday and today.
The blood draw is at 8, but I probably won’t hear anything back until around 2. Which is good, because by that point if it’s bad news; I can just go home for the day.
I’m hoping I’m wrong. Hoping there is a little one in there, growing slowly but surely. Waiting to join my family. My life.
And the truth is; this morning I'm feeling far more hope than I was last night. I don't even know why, but my hope is returning by the minute.
Which could either be very good, or very bad.
One way or another though, I’ll know before the day is over.
My friend Rachael sent me something yesterday, and I’ve been thinking about it a lot since. Reading and re-reading it. Trying to wrap my head around the goodness that is there.
“I hear religious minded people say all the time with good intentions.
‘God will never place a burden on you so heavy that you cannot possibly carry it.’
Really?
My experience is that God will place a burden on you so heavy that you cannot possibly carry it alone. He will break your back and your will. He will buckle your legs until you fall flat beneath the crushing weight of your load. All the while He will walk beside you waiting for you to come to the point where you must depend on Him.
‘My power is made perfect in your weakness,’ He says, as we strain under our burden.
Whatever the burden, it might indeed get worse, but know this-God is faithful. And while we change and get old, He does not. When we get weaker, He remains strong. And in our weakness and humility, He offers us true, lasting, transforming, and undeserved grace.”
-Greg Lucas
God is good. And one way or another, He is going to pull me through this. One day I will look back on all of this and understand exactly why it happened. Understand exactly what came out of it.
One day, this really will all be OK.
But if the news I get this afternoon isn’t good, I think it might be hard to remember that for a few days.
Hard to concentrate on the one day when it will all be OK.
Because the truth is, with a negative, today isn’t going to be that day.
And tomorrow probably won’t be either.
